June 29, 2008

... and the thunder rolls

He's gone - again. Walked out on us - again. Hasn't so much as called to even say hello to the kids - again.

Fuck, what am I going to do?! How, where, and when?

Between the *trying* to hold it together for the kids, the insane amount of crying that has left me so hoarse I can barely talk, and the back pain that has me in bed way more then I am comfortable with ... I'm barely hanging on here.

June 24, 2008

Stumbling through the fog

It's been a while since I've blogged. I wish I could say things are getting better, but in fact, they're getting so much worse. I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll just ... start.

~We are about to foreclose on our house. This sinking economy chewed us up and spit us out. Our mortgage payment went up. We have tenants living in the house right now, and the rent we get from that wasn't covering our mortgage to begin with, and now we have so much more coming out of pocket. It's drowning us. We made the tough decision to just let it go. We put SOOO fucking much money in to that house. Seriously, so much money. We built-in our deck, we put siding and new shutters up, put a privacy fence up for the backyard, a HUGE costco playset surrounded with soft mulch, landscaping, all brand new energy efficient windows, new carpet and hardwood floors, new kitchen and bathroom floors, brand new energy efficient kitchen appliances, refinished the kitchen cabinets, new hardware, new doors throughout the entire house w/new hinges and knobs, refinished all the trim throughout, painted, etc, etc, etc... and most of that work was done ourselves. Nick and I had so much fun (as well as a lot of fights) renovating our first home. I MISS that house terribly. I absolutely hated the area, never wanted to call that place "home" forever, but I loved my house. It just really really sucks that this is happening. If we could hold on just another year or so, give the economy a chance to pick up, we could make quite a pretty penny ... but there is just no way we can continue like this. No way. Makes me sick!! I cry daily because of this...

~I think I broke my hand a couple of weeks ago. We wont get into what I punched in order to cause this injury... but the effing thing is still hurting. It swelled more then twice it's size, and was just one giant bruise. It IS starting to feel better, thank goodness.

~ I think I slipped another disc in my back (although I keep reading that like 95% of back pain is caused by a slipped disc, and this does NOT feel like just your average backache. Perhaps I just collapsed the disc all together? *shrug*). Seriously, painful as SHIT! I don't goddamn get why I'm having such back problems lately (the last few years). I'm only 28 years old, wtf?! Anyway, I'm really in a lot of pain right now. I'm not one of those big whiny babies when I get an "owie". I have a pretty high pain tolerance. Even if I'm in a lot of pain, I don't like feeling helpless and all "pity me", so I'll often just "suck it up" ... but this, fuck, it hurts!!! I even went to the dr!!! For those who know me, you're probably saying "HOLY SHIT", right? lol. I don't EVER go to the dr. I hate those fucks! And you know what? The guy I saw further cemented my hatred for the breed. I got the typical "well, I don't know what's wrong, but here, take motrin, and you should be better in 3 to 4 days". Ok, you fucker, you don't know what's wrong with me, but you're telling me I'll be better in 3-4 days? You know this why? Oooh, right right ... you think you're god, and therefore - you're all knowing, I forgot! It's been FIVE days now, and still hurts just as bad as it did the first day ... so EAT ME! Jerk!

~I have a cut on my forehead, and a few cuts on my elbow. I almost fell through my bedroom window (second story). Thank fucking goodness it's double-paned glass, because my head shattered the first pane, and the second pane held me up. I was standing on the bed getting ready to look out the window when I my back gave out on me, I tipped foreword and smashed my head into the window. My hand came up to try and stop the fall, but it was my broken hand, so the instant I put pressure on it, it gave and my entire body fell forward. Yea, like I said, thank goodness for double-paned glass. Not a big cut on my forehead, but it bled a lot. Poor kids were freaked.

I'm just falling apart here...

~We've decided to add in a bit of cooked food. Still mainly raw vegan, but a bit of cooked here and there (I'd say maybe 75-80 raw/20-25 cooked). The kids have started to reeeally obsess over cooked foods, and so I felt it was time to make a few changes, and see how it goes. I absolutely do not want to give them a complex about food, and the obsession they were beginning to exhibit would have eventually lead to sneaking around and most likely even rebelling against any kind of healthy food choice, period. So, we're trying some things. My kids haven't really been sick during the entire year we were 100% raw. They did catch the ecoli bug that went around with the cantaloupe a couple months back, but not a single cold or flu. That's huge. And I'll be paying close attention to their health now that we've let a few cooked items come back in (mainly beans, rice, croutons w/a few different *vegan* dressings, vegan sandwich things ... condiments, deli slices, and the most healthy bread we can find). That's pretty much it. We're not as strict when we go out anymore, either. The kids have all been pretty happy with the changes... with the bread mostly! lol. And they still have a great attitude about meat, dairy, and eggs ... they want nothing to do with any of it. We'll see how this goes. We're fortunate to live near a few great health food stores, so it's not too difficult finding healthy alternatives. Going into a regular grocery store, I couldn't find a single loaf of bread that didn't contain sugar (plus a slew of unpronounceable ingredients). It's really maddening!!!

~A little more then a week ago was the anniversary of Tony's death. He wasn't in my life that long, 5 years about, but I loved him entirely. He was the closest thing I had to a Father. We were SO close. My Mother and I had a really rough relationship during the time he was in our lives, and I didn't feel I could go to her when/if I needed to. He was there for me. He was the person I could talk to. The person I could trust. I really really miss him!!

A little background ... I was (and still am) so very protective of my Mom. From early on - I was put in a Motherly role with her. I would take care of her when she was hungover. I would call her friends when she was so down and self destructive, and I couldn't help. I would call the police when every man she was with (except for Tony) would beat the living crap out of her. I took care of her. So when Tony started to hurt her (nothing physical - all emotional hurt. He had a disease. Alcoholism. He tried so hard to get help for it, but he never did gain control of it), I got upset with him. I wont stand for anyone hurting my Mother. Like I said, I'm very protective, very "mother-like" with her. I pulled away from him. I distanced myself (wasn't hard to do, I was already married with a child, and living on the other side of the country), and stopped talking to him completely.

My Mom broke off their engagement, and said this time was the last time (they'd gone back and forth for a while). She was done with him, and there was no making it better. She still loved him, she just couldn't take it anymore. That was around the beginning of June 1999. June 14th, 1999 Tony took his own life. He shot himself through the heart (though, there is a bit of speculation that it may have been an accident). I hadn't spoken to him for, shit, I don't even know how long...

He had a picture of me from prom in his pocket. My Mom said he always had that picture with him. He loved me so much, and I turned my back on him. He died thinking I hated him. He died thinking everyone hated him. I don't know that I'll ever forgive myself for that!

~Nick and I are going to be separating, and eventually divorcing. 10 years of marriage, 11 years together, and we're done. He has changed so much, as have I - I'm sure. We just can't make this work. I have honestly stayed a lot longer then I thought I would. A lot longer then most people in my situation would have. I have tried and tried and tried to find a way to help our marriage. I told myself that I wouldn't walk away unless I could do it with my head high, knowing that I gave my ALL to try and save this. I have. I know I have. It's just not working. I could go into all the whys, but there really is no point. No point to drag him through the mud. I do still love him. I will always care about him. And I truly truly want the best for him. I absolutely want him to get the help he needs in order to live a happy and fulfilling life.

I'm not yet sure when we'll file. I'm not yet sure where I'll go, or when. Honestly, I am scared to death about this. I married him right out of highschool, and we started our family immediately. I have spent my years following him around this country, and raising our children. Decisions I don't really regret, but decisions that have left me completely vulnerable right now. I have nothing to fall back on. I'm scared beyond words.

My greatest fear is that this decision is the wrong one for the kids. While I can whistle all the good ol sayings with the best of 'em (children would rather come from a broken home, then live in one. children would rather be with one happy parent, then with two unhappy parents. as long as you're happy, your kids will be also ... etc) but that doesn't help! Really, it doesn't help. The facts are what help. And fact ... right now my kids have me. I have been fortunate enough to be a stay at home mommy, and I fully believe in it. I'm here for them when they need me (and I know how to disappear when they don't, lol). We have also been fortunate enough to homeschool our kids. A decision and lifestyle that is SO very important to us. Nick works a lot (though not near as much as he used to), but they atleast always have one parent around. When I move, they wont have either of us, really. Nick will be states away, and I'll have to find atleast 2 jobs just to try and scrape by. How is that better? And why would I be happier with that situation? My kids will have to be thrown into public school, a system in which I couldn't disagree with MORE. And then they'll be with babysitters after school. I might be able to see them an hour or so a day. That's supposed to be better? Why? How?

But on the other hand, I know how important it is to show my kids a happy, HEALTHY relationship. And the marriage I have right now is anything but. I dont know that I can "live like roommates" with Nick in order to continue our stay at home mom/homeschooling lifestyle for the kids. I want them to see and witness a loving marriage. I LOVE being married (as strange as that sounds, seeing as though my marriage is falling apart right now). I do. I love it. I want my kids to see that, to witness that, to have that experience to look up to. That wont be possible unless I leave...

I want to be a positive role model for them. Which of those two crappy choices will give me
and them that??