July 31, 2009

Run Away Train

looking so sweet, calm, and at peace while he sleeps ...
this kid gave me such a scare today when he decided he was just so mad at me for grounding him for "no reason at all"; that he was going to go ride his scooter around the surrounding neighborhoods for a while in order to "cool off".
The problem with that?
He didn't tell me he was leaving!!!
Just took off!

I had no idea where he was. He told his brother he was going to the skate park, however ... he wasn't there. I drove around looking for him, but I couldn't find him anywhere. Called Nick to have him come home. The thought of this situation being turned into DSS had me so extremely nervous and scared that it made me hesitate for a second before calling the MP's (military police). How sad is that? I'm so fucking paranoid about DSS that for a brief (and I do mean brief) moment I thought about NOT calling the police to help find my child! Ugh! People don't realize how much of an effect a poorly misguided report to DSS can cause a family. So careless!

Anyway, tangent there - whew.

So the police were called. Something like 25 officers in cruisers were looking for him, they had bike patrol searching the trails, they notified the gates so they could check cars coming and going. It was family day, where families come on post to watch the graduation ceremonies. It's always pretty easy to get on post, but it's especially lax during family days. Any tom, dick, or harry has extremely easy access to post on said days. Scary. Very scary!!

2 hours later he came home on his own. Nick was here finishing up the police report. I was in the car driving around looking... just happened to be pulling into the driveway as Nicks call came in to tell me he was back.

Thank Goodness!!!

The police reports had to be finished. All our information given. The police were finally asked to leave, and the 2 detectives had to come inside to talk to him. Again, I tensed up, thinking of our experience with DSS. How rude, pushy, intimidating and insulting they were. Fearful we were again going to be under scrutiny, with a malicious hand calling the shots. However, they were so very nice and comforting to Larson. So calm and friendly. I was immediately put at ease listening to their conversation. Larson wasn't readily willing to talk. He thought he was in huge trouble. However, they were quick to put him at ease as well. As easeful (is that a word, lol) as he could be at that point, anyway.

Hopefully this situation is behind us. Yes, paranoia about dss still lingers. I'm sure it forever will. Unfortunately.

Larson is ok - that's what matters!
In more trouble, yes, but he's ok!

July 29, 2009

Dread Dying Woe's

Dyed my dreads blonde a couple of days ago...
and let me tell you, dying dreads is NO easy feat!!!

So, I dyed them blonde.
One box wasn't nearly enough, so I had to rinse and run to the store for more.
Dyed the entire head this time.
Hated the blonde.
Was WAY too impatient to "give it time".
Dyed them back brown.
Two bottles of the brown was NOT enough to cover my hair.
(damn different brands with different sized bottles!!!)
Had a seriously marble looking mop going on.
Hated it... passionately!!!
Crying started. A LOT of crying.
Decided I was just going to chop the dreads off.
Nick stopped me.
Listened to me cry.
Listened to me hurl a few insults at him (poor guy).
Listened to me apologize for being so crazy.
Decided to bleach the color out of my hair to even out the marble look, and better take a full color.
THREE bottles of hair bleaching solution was NOT ENOUGH!!!
Why, oh WHY did the bottles keep getting smaller and smaller?!??
More crying. A lot more crying!
Again, I was ready to chop the damn hair off of my damn head!
Again, Nick patiently listened to my irrationality.
After I came back down to Earth, I decided to just "give it time"

I DID just blog about hoping to learn the art of patience through this whole dreadlocks process, right? Can't really say that I have been a shining student thus far, HAAA, but... that's why they call it a process.

So, right now my hair has sort of a blonde, brown, reddish thing going on.
What a ride! lol
(thank goodness I have dreads, where dry/fried hair is actually helpful ... because wow, there was a LOT of chemical processing going on! And the sad part is - I actually really did like my natural color. Can't figure out WHAT I was thinking!)

July 16, 2009

The Art of Patience

Embarking on this Dread Journey; I know that Patience is going to be a virtue that I am forced to embrace. Haa. Its one of the reasons I wanted to do dread in the first place (one of many). I can be very impatient at times ... I am looking forward not only to watching my hair transform over the next couple of years (and beyond), but also experiencing myself transform in terms of patience (among many other wonderful things).

I'm not there yet. I want my dreads all locked up and formed, and I wanted them formed NOW! Well, ladies and gents, that isn't going to happen. It's called a "journey" for a reason, and it's going to be a loooong one (especially since we weren't having much luck with the crochet method, so we stopped trying and stuck to just backcombing). I am really excited about and looking forward to experiencing it, even though, at this moment, I just wish the dreads were "cute already")! lol. So much so that I have already loosened them up to redo them FOUR times already! LOL. In my defense, I plan to have these dreads for a very very long time. I want to make sure the style (thickness and placement) are how I want them now - instead of having dreads that I completely hate down the road, right? My biggest thing was/is thickness. I don't want thick, fat dreads. I want smaller more flowy ones. I think the fourth try did the trick ... we'll see

July 12, 2009


I've been thinking about dreads for a little over a year, and I just recently decided (3 days ago) that I was ready! Since I'm not one that has much patience once I've decided on something ... tomorrow is the big day!

I'm SO excited!!!

I really wanted to find a "loctician" with an artistic soulful vision/expression to help me create the perfect set, however, all attempts to locate someone somewhat near to me were futile. So, a friend of mine just got hers done today, and she's graciously offered to help with mine tomorrow.

It's quite funny, actually. I photo blogged about my dreads the other day here, and the very next night I got an email from my friend saying that she had been thinking about dreads, finally got her husband on board with the idea, and Sunday was the big day for her. She hadn't seen my photo blog yet, nor did she know I had even been thinking about them, so it was just pure coincidence that we both made the decision at the same time!

I found the above photo posted by another blogger who is going to get dreads, and I fell in love with it! It's very much like the style of dreads I want ... smaller, flowy, wispy.

I posted this on my photoaday blog for today, but I'll post it here as well ... will be one of the last shots of my hair before the dreads go IN!

July 9, 2009

Dread baby Dread

I've been contemplating dreads for a little over a year, and I am finally ready to take the jump! Eee, so exciting!

Now just to work out the little detail of finding someone who will create the perfect set for my head!

I think I want smaller, more flowy dreads, done crotchet style. Any takers? lol

Love Em! Can't Wait!

Mama, I'm comin' home ...

Ahh, yes, that graphic perfectly sums up my feelings at this very moment. There's almost no need to actually blog! lol

I said almost...

I need to start blogging again. Yes, NEED! And no, that is not dramatic in the least, :-P

So much is going on in my life, so much that I can't control, so much that I can't make sense of ... my mind is beginning to give up. Can't let that happen. I need this space to purge my thoughts, my feelings, my sense of being. Need it, Need it, Need it!!!

I guess I'll start with Nicks work situation, since that's where my last blog post left off...
He got his rank back. We had a mtg with his dr and some of his work people. The decision was made in that meeting that Nicks rank had been taken away unfairly, without knowing his full medical history, and they would immediately overturn the demotion. So, he got his rank back ... however, our pay is STILL fucked up!!! Yea, it took them NO time at all to process the demotion paperwork in order for them to pay us less, but when it comes to processing the paperwork to restore rank, and up our pay again, well ... that "takes time". Fucking punks! Ugh. I am so sick of the military controlling our lives. Sick.Of.It! So, we're really struggling, financially, right now. Sucks! But, whatever, we'll get through it. It's only money, right? We'll be getting back pay for all of this when they finally do get it sorted out, so that will be nice. I already have that chunk of money spent in my mind (ahem, dreadlocks, ahem)! lol

OK, now onto the real struggles I'm experiencing right now. Nick and I, we're not doing too well. Found out last week that he is still stealing our money and lying to me. As much as my gut was telling me that was exactly what was going on, I made myself shrug it off and give him the opportunity to show real change.

Such a fool!

Me, I mean.

I just don't know where my head is regarding any of this right now. I can't make sense of it. I'm all over the place. One minute I hate him to his very core, and the next I want to wrap my arms around him and hold him tight. Neither one of those extremes feel real, they don't reflect what I'm living, what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling.

He is so very depressed. And I know how depression works. I really do. When I step back, take myself and our kids out of the equation, and look at him completely objectively - my heart aches for him. He is hurting so much. Stumbling around in the dark, not knowing his way, not being able to trust anyone - especially himself. I know how those feelings can lead you to self destruct in so many different ways. Objectively, I know that him stealing money and lying to the people who love him has absolutely no relation to how much he cares for said people. Objectively, I know that his love and care isn't in question by his depressed, self destructive actions. However, when I see the situation wholly, me and kids included, I get so so SO upset! We have lived this exact same scenario for so many goddamn years now. It gets harder and harder for me to convince myself that he does, in fact, still love our family. That he does, in fact, still care. I just don't feel it right now, and I am struggling hugely with that.

I am an extremely emotional and compassionate person. A natural caregiver. I take on everyone elses problems so deeply and passionately. When I can't help, I often internalize and feel guilty. Good and healthy for me? No, not at all... but it's me.

So, Nick isn't getting better, and I am picking myself apart for all the things I could have/should have done differently over the years. Blaming myself. And quite frankly, that is PISSING ME OFF!!! But do I stop? Nope! And that's not all of it ...

More negative self talk that is going on ... I have a very strong intuition / gut feeling, and very rare is the occasion where it's wrong. Over the years, with Nick, I have made myself ignore my gut much more then not. Especially as of late (the past year). I'll talk to him about my feeling, he'll, of course, deny any wrong doing. He'll give his plethora of excuses to back up that denial ... all the while raising my suspicions even more ... yet I still decide, time and time again, to ignore my feelings, and press forward. Often telling myself that his shady behavior (nervous demeanor, shifty eyes, red face, tone of voice, etc, etc, etc) was caused by all of the guilt he has inside of himself for all of the years of hurt he's caused our family. When questions are asked that bring back all of the memories of those past mistakes, of course he's going to feel bad and guilty all over again, and those feelings are going to reflect in the way he looks and acts while answering questions. Stupid and naive? Yes, I know.

Day after day, week after week, month after month of my gut screaming at me, and his shadiness, it gets near impossible to shrug it off ... and we'd often end up fighting. Me accusing him of xyz, and him adamantly denying all of it. Big fights. Lots of yelling. Him crying. And it would always end in me feeling SO horrible. Berating myself for being such a bitch. For accusing him without anything to back up my accusations other then some "gut feeling". I would rip myself a new one, each and every time. A little piece of me has been dying, each and every time.

Eventually the truth does come out, and it's proven that he in fact has been sneaking around, stealing, lying, etc. I wasn't wrong with my feelings. I wasn't ever wrong in any of my accusations. Yet, I feel no sense of relief, no calm. The abuse I had put myself through - damage done.

What makes it worse? He knows that about me. He knows what I've been putting myself through. I've verbalized to him many times in the past couple of months how guilty I make myself feel. How bitchy I tell myself I am. How sad and depressed I feel myself becoming. Many of those conversations were had with me sobbing uncontrollably. Did he come forward, during any ONE of those conversations, to say "You know, honey, I know you are beating yourself up for accusing me of xyz, and you don't deserve that. You're not bitchy, you're not crazy... your feelings are real, they're true. I have been fucking up again. Everything you've accused me of is true". Did he do that??? NO! He sat there and let me continue hating on myself, crying myself to sleep, watching it get harder and harder for me to pull myself out of bed. I mean, yes, he did tell me not to blame myself. He did tell me none of it was or is my fault. He did tell me I had every right to accuse him, even without proof, because that's all he's shown me for so many years. Told me he understands why I don't believe him, blah blah blah. But he never confirmed that my feelings and my accusations were real. He just went on denying each and every one of them. He continued to make me believe that I was crazy! Crazy for feeling so strongly that he was destructing, and bringing us down with him again. He knew how I was feeling, and he used to it to his advantage. He used it against me. Ugh, I hate him so much for that!

Again, objectively, I know that all of his crap has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. It's just hard, really hard, to believe that most of the time. I'm not in a good place. I need to do some serious self healing. I've been really inwardly focused these past couple of days, and I do feel progress is being made with my mind, my heart, my soul ... though a long road still awaits me. I'm getting better, feeling stronger. Doing what I need to do to help ME at this point. I've been so focused on helping HIM for so long, and putting myself aside. That self neglect has really taken it's toll on me, and I am now going to work on me. I do have guilt about that, don't get me wrong. Guilt about putting him on the back burner and focusing on me. And yes, I know how silly that sounds. I know that I can be of NO help to ANYONE if I'm not in a good place myself. I know that. Again, it's just tough convincing myself to embrace that fact, ya know. Nick will get better in time, I am sure of it, he's not there yet. Me continuing to neglect myself is not helping, it's actually harming every one. I don't like feeling bad about myself. I don't like feeling guilty. I don't like staying in bed for days at a time. I know I have the strength and the determination needed to pull myself out of this self abusive hole I through myself into ... and I am taking on the challenge.

"Mama, I'm comin' home..."

Ahhh, just writing this as helped immensely. I'm walking away from the computer with smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye.