... that is what I've lost

I showed up.
I fought.
I lost.

But I loved.
Oooh, I loved.
First love. A love I will never again experience.
Marital love. A love I will likely never again experience.

I believed in marriage. I believe in marriage. From the depths of my soul I believe in it. Two people, working together, fighting through obstacles and overcoming. Waking up, everyday, and choosing each other. Over and over again. Forever. I believe in it. And I can't see myself entering it again. Not to spare myself this kind of hurt; though that seems like a pretty damn good reason right now while I'm in the midst of it. No... to feel that kind of love again I would risk this hurt a thousand times over. That's not it. Knowing that it didn't last forever. Knowing that there is a breaking point. A turning a point. A point in which you actually do walk away. You don't just think about it. Or talk about it. Or threaten it. You actually do it. You walk away, and it's over. I can't see myself entering into it again. I wont have the same passion. The same confidence. The same fight. I can't give half of myself to something I fully believe in. It's not who I am. An obstacle comes up, and instead of every last ounce of my being knowing that we will get through it because our love is strong, our vows are forever, and we don't have the option to bail ... now there will be a piece of me that knows that isn't true. The option is there. It's been exercised. Awakened. Fed. It's there. All of me will never again be able to hold the steadfast belief that it's not an option for me. Because, it already was. Maybe not by my choice. I'd give almost anything to have my family whole again. But my circumstances, my decisions, my actions ... I helped lead us to this. I helped the wheels continue to spin in this direction. I helped make this our reality.

Marriage; I believe in it. I root for it, always. I hold fairytale hopes and dreams about it. I love being a wife. I even love the word "wife". Hearing it fills me with such a light happiness. And I don't think I ever want to experience it again.

And that...
along with my best friend
my childhood sweetheart
my nuclear family
...that is what I've lost.




***I know it's very early in the process. I know I'm making blanket statements. I know my exact reasons for feeling like I couldn't or wouldn't enter a marriage again are the very reasons that may make a second marriage stronger. Knowing it's breakable can obviously make you work harder. I know. But I don't believe it. Not now; and I write in the now***

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Sunday's Songbird ... Hey Hey Hey

It's time for a little bright and sparkly around here. Michael Franti ... he'll bring it!

You know those festival passes I was asking for help in winning?
Yea, I won!

I mean, I came in third, and the contest rules indicated that they were only awarding passes to top two. So I of course assumed I didn't win. Obviously. And it turned out to be for the best when some things came up forcing my finances to be directed elsewhere. And then... then a couple of days ago I received an email saying that I won! Two free full weekend passes.

I won.
They apparently decided to go with top 3!

Now, though, because I reallocated the money else where; now I can't go.
The Gods of Irony are fucking with me SO much lately.
So.Much.
In my dissolving marriage.
In my dissolving bank account.
In my dissolving mental state.
A giant pile of ironic "fuck you's".
Good thing I'm dark and twisty and kind of like fuck you irony.
Heh.
Still; it sucks.

So... Instead of seeing Michael Franti live at the Gaia Festival THIS SATURDAY... I'm bringing him here. To spread a little sunshine and smiles. Mainly for me! lol. But to you, too!

This specific song was really special to me and him. So much so that we chose to highlight some of the lyrics on our Holiday Card this past year. It's bittersweet, and giving me a stomach ache.
But it's also the perfect song for all of the fuck you irony that is working so hard to pull me down.
So I'm choosing to taste the more sweet side right now <3



Hey Hey Hey ~Michael Franti & Spearhead

it’s been a long time coming that I had to say
when I wake up in the morning all I do is pray
for some guidance and protection on the streets today
and an answer to the questions I ask everyday
so tell me why do the birds that used to fly here
tell me why do they come to die here
and all the kids that used to run here
tell me why do they load their guns here
i remember, in the days when,
we were one heart; no need to defend
i just wrap my arms around
don’t give up this song is for you

hey, hey, hey, 

no matter how life is today
there’s just one thing that I got to say
i won’t let another moment slip away
i say hey, hey, hey 

no matter how life is today
there’s just one thing that I got to say
i won’t let another moment slip away

i hold on, I’m trying to hold on
i hold on, hold on, hold on

from the tops of the buildings to the streets below
from the Wall Street banks to the empty homes
between the lines of the people standing all in a row
there’s a crack in the gutter where a flower grows
reminding me that everything is possible
yeah reminding me that nothing is impossible
you gotta live for the one that you love you know
you gotta love for the life that you live you know

singin’ hey, hey, hey 

no matter how life is today
there’s just one thing that I got to say
i won’t let another moment slip away
i say hey, hey, hey 

no matter how life is today
there’s just one thing that I got to say
i won’t let another moment slip away

i hold on, i’m trying to hold on
i hold on, i’m trying to hold on

until the morning comes again, 

i will remain with you my friend
and we will ride until the sun 

goes to the place where it begun
and we will live to laugh and cry another day

don’t let nobody ever tell you that it couldn’t be done
don’t let nobody ever tell you that we couldn’t be one
don’t let nobody ever tell you that it shouldn’t be sung
don’t let nobody ever tell you you’re the only one

singin’ hey, hey, hey 

no matter how life is today
there’s just one thing that I got to say
i won’t let another moment slip away
i say hey, hey, hey 

no matter how life is today
there’s just one thing that I got to say
i won’t let another moment slip away

woah oh oh oh, I hold on
woah oh oh oh
woah oh oh oh, I hold on
woah oh oh oh, I’m just trying to hold on
woah oh oh oh, trying to hold on
woah oh oh oh, trying to hold on
woah oh oh oh, trying to hold on

i say hey, hey, hey 

no matter how life is today
there’s just one thing that I got to say
i won’t let another moment slip away
i say hey, hey, hey 

no matter how life is today
there’s just one thing that I got to say
i won’t let another moment slip away

i hold on, I’m trying to hold on,
i hold on, hold on, hold on,
i hold on

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Collision

You know that moment between sleeping and just waking up. The moment you can hear the day being started by those who woke before you, yet you're still living in your dream world. A dream world that feels so vivid, so real that you can't distinguish between the two. The lines between real and fake are so blurred. The moment when the two worlds collide and feel as one. The in-between.

In that moment I can feel so safe. 
So warm. 
So happy.
And I will myself to lie still. 
Be still. 
Don't move. 
Don't lose this moment.
Hang onto it.
Be still.

And then you feel your eyelids getting less and less heavy. The dream you were living in becomes foggy. Distant. The outside noises become louder. Present. The lines between real and fake turn more clear. That moment when you're smacked in the face with truth. With reality.

In that moment I can feel so defeated.
So weak.
So hopeless.
So unwanted.
And I will myself back to sleep.
Be still.
Keep your eyes closed.
Sleep.
Sleep. 

I think I figured it out. That's why I'm having trouble sleeping at night. That in-between, that collision, it feels so real, and I want it. Being slapped with my reality just moments later; it hurts. A lot. And it's repeated... daily. No kidding I'm instinctively working to escape such a constant state of pain. If I don't sleep there are no dreams with which I will be forced to wake up from.

I'm so tired.
Maybe now that I've figured this out; put words to it... maybe I'll be able to work through it. I played the denial and avoidance game; I know it doesn't work. Apparently my instincts. Or my subconscious. Or my self protective shell didn't get the message. Facing the ugly truths, no matter how much hurt they bring. Being present and honest with my feelings. That works. It's long, and hard, and messy, and ooooh so painful. But it's the way.
Not forcing, just listening.
I'm so tired.

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Flooding Memories

Memories.
They flood back.
Like fierce waves.
Relentless.
Unforgiving.
They come with pitch forks.
And torches.
Demanding attention.
Demanding a reaction.
There's no way around them.
React you do.
Denial.
They're too strong for that.
Avoidance.
They hide behind corners.
In the dark.
Finding you.
Attacking you.
Anger.
No match.
You succumb.
The sheer volume.
Heavy.
Deep.
Painful.
You start to choke.
Suffocation.
Desperation sets in.
You plead for it to stop.
Make it stop.
Please.
Make it stop.
And then a breath of life.
Lungs inflating.
A smile emerges.
A laugh, even.
Happiness.
There is happiness in some of these memories.
Good.
Filling.
Radiating with light.
And with love.
Lifting you higher.
And higher.
And higher.
Unfortunate.
The higher you rise.
The harder you fall.
And fall you will.
For the happiness is a memory.
A distant memory.
A memory of what was.
A memory of what is no more.
A memory.
It's not present.
It's not here.
It's not coming back.
Not the way it was.
Not the way it was supposed to be.
Forever.
And ever.
Until death does part us.
I do.
Or...
I thought I did.

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Sunday's Songbird ... Never Been Sadder

Amy LaVere ... here she is again!

About two weeks after we saw her in concert, I woke up with this song in my head. It's been there ever since. Dominating my brain. The lyrics spontaneously bursting from my lips; my hips randomly wiggling to the beat in my head. Suppose I'm taking that as a sign that it belongs here. Noted!



Never Been Sadder  ~Amy LaVere
i've never been sadder
never been more sad
feels like the beginning
of something real bad
i tried to be good
good as i could be
i wanted to be free
now I'm alone

but there are no strings on me
just this noose around my neck
the other end is in the tree
where the cradle used to rock
the bough has broken
the branch burnt in the fire
these embers long ago
had turned to light

but the soap i tried to make
it wouldn't wash away
the dirty feeling
like I made a big mistake
but i'm not going to jump
i'll keep my feet on the ground
gonna paint my face up
like a circus clown

la da da da da
la da da da da
la da da da da da da
la da da da da

la da da da da
la da da da da
la da da da da da da
la da da da da

i've never been sadder
never been more sad
feels like the beginning
of something real bad
i tried to be good
good as i could be
i wanted to be free
now I'm alone

but there are no strings on me
just this noose around my neck
the other end is in the tree
where the cradle used to rock
the bough has broken
the branch burnt in the fire
these embers long ago
had turned to light

but the soap i tried to make
it wouldn't wash away
the dirty feeling
like I made a big mistake
but i'm not going to jump
i'll keep my feet on the ground
gonna paint my face up
like a circus clown

la da da da da
la da da da da
la da da da da da da
la da da da da

la da da da da
la da da da da
la da da da da da da
la da da da da

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the details are mine

So I've been getting some emails lately wondering if I'm ok. Not because of what I've been sharing on my blog, but rather the concern is derived from what I haven't been sharing.

I'm a chronic over sharer. That's no secret around here, lol. I've gotten a lot of slack and hate mail / comments over the years because of the way in which I blog. Laying it all out there. A messy chronicle of my life. A dumping ground for intense thoughts and feelings that some believe should remain private. It wasn't too terribly long ago that I addressed all of this in my post Holistic Blogging, so I understand the worry and concern. I appreciate it.

I haven't shared the details here of what happened in my marriage almost 9 weeks ago. I haven't shared the details with many people at all. Less then a handful, actually. The who's, the whats, the whys ... I haven't shared them. For no other reason then it just doesn't feel important to share right now. Unless I'm specifically asked, the thought of sharing the details just isn't there. It happened. Whatever "it" is, it happened. I have my version of the events that took place. He, no doubt, has his version. The versions are ours; the end result is the same; the details are irrelevant right now. Maybe one day I'll feel a pull to express them here, to put words to them, to let the experience root out and ground itself in this community for others to take what they will from it ... but right now it's just not important, and I won't force it.

I do still very much believe in everything I said in that Holistic Blogging post. I don't believe in sugar coating; my feelings are all here. Raw and vulnerable. Hurt and open. All here. I'm working through this. Some days are better then others, of course ... and I don't feel shame in my weaker moments. I'm not going to hide them. I'm still me. I'm still a chronic over-sharer, and I have no plan to ever stop :-) But the details are mine right now. And his.

I love you guys for your concern.
Super intense hardcore love for ya ... oh yea ;-)

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the other shoe

oh sweet dreads, I loved you so

The other shoe has dropped. Only that would indicate that there are only two shoes. And that can't be accurate. More then 2 shoes have already dropped, so there must be more. These shoes must be being worn by an octopus. Or maybe a centipede. Fuck, I hope it's not a centipede. In any event I suppose I should say another shoe has dropped. Another. That seems to fit better.

Just as I was regaining balance and finding my footing. Two days, infact, from the day of my blog entry talking about being ready to take deliberate steps into this new life ... another shoe dropped.

News came in that took my breath away and knocked me on my ass.
The instant stress has returned.
The shallow breathing and dizziness back in full force.
My world spinning, and I'm struggling to find something to grasp.
Anything, something.
Nothing.

Decisions had to be made. Steps had to be taken. Pride had to be swallowed.
And swallowed Hard.

And now I wait.
Wait for an answer.
Wait for something to grasp.
Wait for that sliver of light to return.

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Sunday's Songbird ... California Girl

Love her. Love her sound. Love this song.
If you've never heard her before you're welcome for the introduction! <3
I listen to and love a wide variety of music, but if you've been paying attention to these songbird posts... a musical style favorite has been made pretty clear, I think. It sings to my soul and touches me so very deeply. Which is very much appreciated ... it's the only thing touching me these days ;-)  haaa.

California Girl ~Tristian Prettyman
i'll let you fall in love with me
show you how easy it can be
california girl of your dreams
sitting by the sea shore
soaking up the summer breeze

never gonna fall, i'm never gonna fall
for that old trick again
never gonna fall, i'm never gonna fall
for that old trick again

i can't believe i even came
don't even know your name
boy you know that ain't my scene
but you gotta play by the rules
if you ever gonna win the game

never gonna fall, i'm never gonna fall
for that old trick again
never gonna fall, i'm never gonna fall
for that old trick again

oh yes my words were true
true to the moment and true to you
but fear will help you make your move
sweet kisses in the summer 
taste soft like honeydew

never gonna fall, i'm never gonna fall
for that old trick again
never gonna fall, i'm never gonna fall
for that old trick again

no i'm never gonna fall, i'm never gonna fall
for that old trick again
never gonna fall, i'm never gonna fall
for that old trick again

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Deliberate Steps... "do it for the vote" tour

Yoga kicked my ass this morning, hard! My legs still feel a bit wobbly... hours later. Doesn't help that I haven't done much resembling exercise in almost 7 weeks. Reeeally doesn't help that I've been comfort eating my way to about 20 extra pounds in those same 7 weeks. My wrists aren't used to holding all of that up; sorry sweet wrists.

I've been being really gentle with myself during this transition. Allowing myself to just be; to feel whatever emotion comes to the surface and sitting with it. Sometimes eating with it, haa.

I'm feeling more and more ready and able, now, to take deliberate steps into my new life. Starting with yoga this morning; and it really truly kicked.my.ass!


Painful and uncomfortable, inspiring and open. I don't scare easily ;-)

Not to say that I've found the "other side" and am emerging through it. I've not really thought about it in those terms. I don't think I am. I don't really know; having never been through something this life altering before, but I'm still really raw, vulnerable, hurt, angry, lonely, and so very disappointed. Disappointed that I wasn't able to figure out a way to hold this family together. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I still wish for that outcome daily, numerous times daily, actually ... this family somehow finding a way to piece itself back together, whole. Maybe. Since I was a little girl, having a strong nuclear family was my biggest dream. And the suffocating feeling I get when I think of that being broken is almost unbearable. So this "other side", while I don't know what it is supposed to look like or how it's supposed to feel; I can't imagine it's this. I'm not there. Not yet. But I am also feeling strong, and capable, and full of love and appreciation. If each day is bringing me closer and closer to my leaving this earth; I want to embrace each one, fully present and open. Letting new dreams fill me up, and taking slow, deliberate steps toward them.

There's a music festival in California the beginning of August that Nick and I were hoping to attend with the boys. While I don't want to go there myself with the kids, I am thinking of possibly arranging for the kids to stay back while I go by myself. It's scary, but I know it could be so very good and healing for me. As I may have mentioned in previous posts; I'm broke as shit, haa, so I've entered this photo contest to win a pair of tickets to the festival (which would make my being able to go at least attainable; that is if I'm able to leave the boys ... which is the biggest and hardest obstacle in my way). Sooo, I'd love it if you'd hop over and vote for my photo. It's a Facebook page vote that you can find here. Look through the photos until you see my hooping collage and vote. You can vote once a day, and I'll love you to the moon and back. Share it on your wall, too ... cuz I'm worth it <3

Much love and many hugs to all of you for your kind gentle words and support during this time. It means more to me then I'll ever be able to express, but get anywhere near me and I'll hug the shit out of you <3
I love you all!

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Sunday's Songbird ... If I Didn't Have You

Music and Comedy...
Yes, please!
And more of it!

This dude fucking cracks me up. And because my songbird choices have been a big pile of relationship-y crap lately, I thought it only fitting that I throw this one in the mix. Sure, the reference to childhood sweethearts made my stomach turn and I wanted to puke, but it makes me laugh more then vomit, so ...

And you can't just listen to the song; I chose this version so you get to listen to the skits both before and after the song, too ... because, you know, if you won't, someone else will.



If I Didn't Have You ~Tim Minchin
yeah, yeah
if I didn't have you
yeah

if I didn't have you to hold me tight
(if I didn't have you)
if I didn't have you to lie with at night
(when I'm feeling blue)
if I didn't have you to share my sights
(share my sights)
and to kiss me and dry my tears when I cry

well I really think that I would...
have somebody else

(if I didn't have you)
if I didn't have you
someone else would do

your love is one in a million
(one in a million)
you couldn't buy it at any price
(can't buy love)
but of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves
statistically, some of them would be equally nice
(equally nice)
or maybe not as nice but, say, smarter than you
or dumber but better at sport or fucking tracing
i'm just saying
(i really think that I would)
probably
(have somebody else)

yeah

(if I didn't have you)
if I didn't have you
someone else would do
(someone else would surely do)

if I were a rich man
diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-ee
i guess I would be with a surgeon or a model
or a rellie of the Royals or a Kennedy
or a nymphomonical exhibitionist heiress to a large chain of hotels
if I were a rich man,
maybe I would fiddle
fiddle-diddle-diddle with the rich man girls

i'm not saying that I'd not love you if I was wealthy or handsome
but realistically there's lots of fish in the sea
and if I had a different rod I would concievably land some
even though I am fiscally consistantly pitiable
and considerably less Brad Pitt than Brad Pitiful
am I really so poor and ugly that you think only you could possibly love me?
and I
(really think that I would)
probably
(have somebody else)


yeah

(if I didn't have you)
if I didn't have you,
someone else would do
(someone else would surely do)

and look, I'm not undervaluing what we've got when I say
that given the role chaos inevitably plays in the inherently flawed notion of "fate"
it's obtuse to deduce that I've found my soulmate at the age of seventeen
it's just mathematically unlikely that at a university in Perth
i happened to stumble on the one girl on Earth specifically designed for me
and if I may conjecture a further objection,
love is nothing to do with destined perfection
the connection is strengthened,
the affection simply grows over time
like a flower
or a mushroom
or a guinea pig
or a vine
or a sponge
or bigotry
... or a banana

and love is made more powerful by the ongoing drama of shared experience
and the synergy of a kind of symbiotic empathy or... something

so I trust it goes without saying
that I would feel really very sad
if tomorrow you were to fall off something high
or catch something bad
but I'm just saying
i don't think you're special
i-i mean, I think your special
but you fall within a bell curve
i mean, I'm just saying I
(really think that I would)
probably
(have somebody else)

i think you are unique and beautiful
(unique and beaut)
you make me happy just by being around
(being around)
but objectively, you would have to agree that baby when I found you
options were relatively thin on the ground
(thin on the ground)
you're lovely but there must be girls as lovely as you
and maybe more open to spanking or fucking table tennis
i'm just saying
(really think that I would)
probably
(have somebody else)

i mean I reckon it's pretty likely that if, for example
my first girlfriend, Jackie, hadn't dumped me
after I kissed Winston's ex-girlfriend Neah at Steph's party back in 1993
and our variables would probably have been altered by the absence of that event
to have meant the advent of a tangential narrative in which we don't meet
which is to say there exists a theoretical hypothetical parallel life
where what is is not as it is and I am not your husband and you are not my wife

and I am a stuntman living in LA
married to a small, blonde Portuguese skier
who, when she's not training
does abstract painting
practices yoga
and brews her own beer
and really likes making home movies
and suffers neck down alopecia

but with all my heart and all my mind,
i know one thing is true
i have just one life and just one love 

and, my love, that love is you
and if it wasn't for you, darling you

(really think that I would)
possibly
(have somebody else)

yeah

(if I didn't have you)
if I didn't have you
do do do do do
someone else would surely do doe do doodle do do ya mother fucker,
yeah

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Boom Boom Pow

Fourth of July Festivities.
We went.
It was fun.
And also not so fun.
More fun, though, and for that we were pleasantly surprised.
I broke one of our hoops (Larson's) while I was coiling it down for travel.

Dammit.

Still, we had fun.

We decided to head to Tacoma for the Freedom Fair. We had plans to leave bright and early (it's almost a 2 hour drive), so we could find parking near the event (that way we could just hop back to the car for food rather then have to lug it all with us). However, none of us heard the alarm we had set, so that plan was a wash. We were going to have to be shuttled in (and it turns out I'm glad for that. The "near event parking" they had set up was just "find a spot on a side street and try to squeeze in", so we would have had to bring everything with us anyway).

shuttle ride... ftw

The event itself was not what we were expecting. I was picturing a huge waterfront park, with lots of grassy areas, stages set up for music that would be easily identifiable, a kickass kids play area, etc. It ... was not that. The park itself is more of a waterfront walking/biking trail ... really pretty, but no real big grassy areas. Just a lot of sidewalks and cement and parking lots. This made the event very looooong and spread out.

enveloped in love

We walked and walked and walked trying to find the kids zone area that the flyer raved about, and when we finally stumbled upon it, there were 3 inflatable bounce houses/slides that cost 10$ a kid. That was it. The entirety of the Kids Zone = 3 blow up houses. That was a disappointment.

The good news was that we didn't have to walk much further (still carrying all of our crap, because there was no grassy area to stake a spot and set up camp before walking around to explore) to find the BMX set up. Woot for that; our food bag was heavy, yo! The boys LOVE to watch BMX riders. They had a show set to start in about an hour, so in the meantime the radio station was entertaining the crowd with some sweet tunes, and we decided to hoop a little. It took about .5 seconds before people were lining up to try the hoops. One person insisted the kids take a little money for letting him use our hoops, and this gave the boys their next money making idea ... they grabbed a cup, and started hooping for the crowd.

can you see their money cup? <3

They hooped the hour before the BMXers were to go on. We were up front and center for the show, but the airshow ran longer then expected, so the bmx show was delayed by about an hour. The gathered crowd wasn't leaving, and the kids didn't want to lose their spot, so we stood there for the hour. I completely forgot to grab our sunscreen before we hopped on the shuttle, so while I was able to shield the boys' necks, shoulders, and arms while we stood there, mine didn't so much stand a chance. Ouch! and OUCH!

these fuckers are a blast to watch

The BMX show was great, and then they hooped for another two or three hours after. They made 15 bucks from the crowd. Sweet little entrepreneurs. And they spent almost all of it on baked popcorn. Haa! They can't hold onto money to save their lives.

kinda hard to see dude's sunglasses ... look hard. 

While they were hooping, I spotted a dog wearing sunglasses. Total Boss ... He was killing it, yo.

Hoopity Bros ... their stage name

When the kids were all hooped out, we walked back up and found a little patch of grass behind the vendor tents. It was right on the water, with rocks and dirt cliffs that the boys could explore. Perfect spot to relax and wait for the fireworks. The kids, per usual, went to work making boats. They do this every time we're near water. I love watching them craft boats out of whatever they find washed up. Once the boats were all made and launched off to sea, the kids took their new found love of minecraft, and started mining the dirt cliffs. Rylan dug out a pretty big fish tooth! They drew and colored, skipped rocks, and made a few friends to explore the rock wall with.

boat building

material gathering

relaxing

drawing

grinding a hole to insert the mast

little artist

The kids seemed happy all day. They didn't talk about him, or show any signs of even thinking about him. I, on the other hand, ran the gamut of emotions. From sadness to love to anger to happiness to loneliness to freedom. I would find myself so much in awe of something the kids were doing, and I'd look over to where he would have been standing to share the moment with him. What would have been another magical "can you believe we made these amazing beings" eye connect moment, instead filled me with such a hollow pit. And other times I'd see all the food carts around and be so very relieved that the stresses of him finding a way to sneak around and lie to me where not a part of my day; were not ruining yet another holiday. I poked around through all of the funky little vendors. I spent about 10 minutes looking at and trying on a dress, finally finding the one that fit just right (handmade clothing sizes aren't always all that accurate. One size small may not fit right, but another is perfect), before realizing "Oh wait, I can't buy this". I haven't been this broke in such a long time, and I often forget that I am. In that moment, the one where I realize I can't afford a cheap little dress; I may not even be able to afford to feed my kids next month ... in that moment I hated him a little. It was an up and down ride, that's for sure, but the weightless freedom and happiness that my kids exuded was and is so very contagious. They are so in the moment, and they inadvertently pull me right back into it when my mind wanders too far.

boom boom pow

And then the sun went down, and the sky lit up with fireworks. With just the first two explosions Rylan looked to me and said "They started off the show with Dad's favorite fireworks, and he's not even here to see them". I put my arm around him and held him closer. When I looked over at Larson, he had tears streaming down his face. I simply said "I love you, buddy", and he ran to my arms, buried his head into my arm pit, and just cried and cried. Owen, who is usually so vibrant during the fireworks display. Pointing, and excitedly asking us "did you see that one" and "wow, look at that one" ... just sat quietly. Sadness in his eyes as he whispered to himself "i can't believe he's missing this".

The show lasted less then 15 minutes (something that we're not used to. We like the ones that last an hour or more). While we were disappointed we came such a long way for a firework display that we weren't impressed with ... we slowly recognized it as being exactly what we needed it to be. It was a very painful experience for my children, and me, too. And while we knew it probably wouldn't be easy, and we toyed around with the idea of just skipping it all together, we all knew we would deeply regret giving up such an important day to us. We went, experienced both joy and pain, and it ended at just the right time.

On the walk back to the shuttle Owen asked me how I would react if we ran into him there. This broke my heart. The kids haven't talked to him in 6 weeks; we don't even know where he is. Because of that, I know that each time we are out I find my mind going to a place of "I wonder if we'll run into him". "What will you do if we run into him". "How are you going to feel if we run into him". It doesn't matter how nearly impossible the chance is, not having closure in any sense causes the mind to wonder. It's painful, and to hear Owen talk out the same painstaking process... that's heartbreaking. The only answer I could give him was a giant hug and a twirl. Twirling makes us smile.

tacoma

We made it to the return shuttle on time, and the parking garage we were in was so ... quiet, so we decided to hang on on the roof of the parking structure for a while enjoying the night air, talking, and racing. We're always racing ... "hey mom, count how fast I can run over there". "hey mom, count how many times I go around this". "hey mom, count how long it takes me to get back to you". I love it <3  

The night ended well. And although it was painful and hard near the end, we all were very happy we decided to go. 

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Here Comes the Rain ... NOT!

So, rainy state USA... the ONE day I actually want it to rain you're not going to produce for me? That, my friend, is not nice!

I've been looking at tomorrows forecast all week, and not once has it changed from a big, shiny, smiling sun. Staring right at me. Every other day has shifted from sunshine, to sprinkles, to all day rain, to sunshine, to rain, to... But for tomorrow it shows nothing but sun, baby. That's good, right?

No, I want rain! Lots of rain. Downpour, pelting, zero-visibility RAIN!

I'm having a hard time with the impending Fourth of July holiday. It's the first holiday he and I shared together, just 5 weeks after we started dating. Not only our time in the military, but also the hits our marriage took over these past several years has caused us to spend a lot of holidays, birthdays, special occasions apart ... but something always aligned just right so that we spent every 4th of July together. Actually, July 1998 is one I can't remember spending together, but I can't remember spending it apart either. I was pregnant with our first, and I'm really not sure what happened that year - foggy brain. Since I met him, though, I can't remember spending a 4th without him.

We've had great ones, sucky ones, and every kind in between. He was hit by a car one 4th. We drove to three different cities to catch the big show for another. We were shuttled in one year, and then missed the last bus going out so authorities had to radio one of the drivers (on his way home) to come back for us. We were huddled under bleachers with several hundred military privates one year because of a massive thunder & lightening storm ... the sky was simultaneously lit with fireworks and lightening. It was amazing. We've spent the day with parades, concerts, festivals. We've watched on rooftops, on car tops, on beaches, in meadows, in fields, in parking lots, on the side of roads, in 7 different states. With the decline of our marriage... these past few years we've had some pretty big fights on and around the 4th, but we were always together.

This year will be vastly different, and I'm not dealing with it well. Probably because the kids aren't dealing with it well. They also don't know a Fourth of July that didn't include all of us. They're not sure if they want to even partake in any 4th festivities, or if they just want to skip it this year. I know that if we decide to skip out, we'll probably be sad and disappointed that we missed a day that is so special to us. We love fireworks. We love live music. We love partying it up. We could go and have a fabulous time. We could go and just end up crying the entire day. I don't know.

I know life goes on, and eventually we're going to have to come to terms with that ... I just don't know that we're ready to do that yet. Hence my plead for rain. It's the easy way out, I know, but it would be nice to not have to be in this position right now. I'd like for Mother Nature to go ahead and take care of this shit for me. RAIN, dammit, and then we can stay home guilt free.

Rain! Please rain!

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Sunday's Songbird ... All You Ever Wanted

Gritty, Funky, Raw Blues-Rock with a helluva-lotta Soul.

See them live if you can. And not the Arena Tour bullshit ... this simple two man band screams to be heard outdoors; in a festival setting.



All You Ever Wanted  ~The Black Keys
ain't it just like dying
except you can still feel the shame
all hands on deck now
the sea is getting rough again

you see him out your window
and even when you close the blinds
cause all you ever wanted
was someone to treat you nice and kind

take a step before runnin'
take a breath now before you dive
when you run the streets, darling
make sure your sneaker laces they get tied

i'll be a black bird, darling
hanging on your telephone wire
flap my wings over you
and set your heart afire

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