December 6, 2009

Results Are In ...

NO spinal mass!!!
Such awesome news!

There IS a protrusion there, but the MRI concluded that it isn't a mass... instead it is most likely caused by the vertically herniated disk diverting the spinal fluid flow.

Such a relief!
So it's just the thyroid to worry about. The Dr has said it isn't an emergency, "must remove now", situation as it isn't rapidly growing. Surgery will be sometime soon after the new year.

In other thyroid news ...
I had my annual check up last week (and by annual I mean... this is the first check-up I've had in 5 years! Bad, I know :-P). So, we did the normal stuff. Pap came back fine (something I worry about because of family history, so I am extremely relieved that after 5 years of ignoring my fears, the tests came back fine), and we ran a panel of blood tests just to check stuff out.

I must preface this with what the Dr said to me during the exam...
Upon looking at my chart, she looked up at me with a surprising look and said...
"WOW, it's rare these days that I see a patient in here that is at healthy weight, do you do anything to maintain that or are you just blessed with good genes"?
To which I replied... "I focus a good deal on being healthy"

Ok, skip ahead to the call I received from her regarding the results from the lab work...
"Hi Mrs Paul (wish people would just call me Meli, lol), I just wanted to go over your lab results with you. Everything came back good, except for surprisingly your thyroid levels"!

WTF?! The irony... is it funny to anyone else?

Irony #1 ... we have the thyroid issues just discovered in my husband!
Irony #2 ... "my my, you're at such a healthy weight, it's rare I see that these days"!

Again I say ...WTF!?

She said my levels were high, which indicates a slow thyroid (hypothyroidism). She wants me to come back in a couple of weeks to have my levels retested, see if perhaps it was just a fluke or something, and we'll go from there. I had been under a great deal of stress, not really eating much as my stomach felt so upset, and I haven't been exercising as much as I used to, so it's possible all of that affected the results. Now that Nicks results are in (and the news was AWESOME) my stress level has greatly decreased, and my appetite is back. Coupled with me resuming regular exercise, and adding in some good thyroid rejuvenating foods, herbs, etc ... hopefully those levels will look better in a couple of week!

December 2, 2009

it's not the dreads fault

My dreads are two months old (well, they will be tomorrow). Still very new and ever changing. Making them so easy to pick on. I had a feeling this would happen. Atleast I was prepared for it this time ... Able to recognize and curb the crazy before it took over.

Over the past week I've found myself disliking my dreads more and more. Having urges to fix this or to fix that. Even tempted on a couple of occasions to just take them out ... resigned to the fact that this journey obviously isn't for me. And knowing that taking them out this time would be a helluva lot easier and quicker then it was the first time (they're much older this time, but not nearly as thick, strong, and formed as last from all of my poking and prodding) made it all the more tempting.

But, my dear readers, I am happy to report that I recognized the distress for what it was. Again, not at all about my hair (well, maybe a little... lol), but more about the disarray that my/our lives are in. Knowing how close to divorce we were just a short week / 2 weeks ago. Seeing how that alone has affected our children, and wondering how the sudden merge together again will affect them. Being hit with the news of cancer, but not yet knowing the full extent of it. Waiting on more testing, while forcing ourselves to remain positive and grateful, and not always succeeding in that. Searching for the right way to tell the children when all the answers do finally come in. Really hoping and praying that this is the "thing" Nick has been praying for for years to give him the strength and confidence he needs to turn his life around, but being utterly anxious and terrified that I am walking face first into hell, again... putting my heart and those of my children on the line to be destroyed, again. All the while asking for a level of strength and courage and humbleness that I'm not sure if I posses. It's easier to just throw all of those feelings into, again, my hair. But, not this time!! These are all feelings I need to accept and face, not hide behind. My anxiety will NOT get the better of me this time. I'm on to myself, muah ha ha ha!

The additional testing has been scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully on Friday, early next week at the latest, we'll have more answers. That alone is a relief and something to be grateful for. Soon... soon we'll know.

Where this leaves my dreads ... I may not be overly satisfied with them right now, but I do still love them. I know that patience and time is all that is needed for these bebes to grow into the beauties I know they can be. Until then, all the loose, curvy, loopies are becoming beautiful to me.

November 30, 2009


A week ago today we were hit with some devastating news ... Nick has cancer. Thyroid cancer to be exact, and as he was been told by his Dr, if he were to wish for any type of cancer, this type would be it. Not sure how much easier that made hearing the news, but ...

They don't *think* it's a more aggressive type, so they've given him a 95% cure rate. He'll have to have his entire thyroid removed, and have a round or two of radiation. They're confident that by doing that they'll be able to get it all. He'll have to be on thyroid hormones for the rest of his life.

What makes this more scary... during a scan of his back to locate herniated and torn disks, they also spotted what they believe is a mass in his spine. They have to do further testing in order to get a more clear picture, and figure out exactly what it is they saw on that film. That test should hopefully be done sometime this week ... we're having issues with our insurance company. Infuriating!

The endless scenarios that have run through my head regarding this is enough to make me crazy. The possibility that his cancer isn't isolated to his thyroid, that's it's spread, that it could be in his spine, in other organs, it's ... it's too much to take right now. I am making myself stay positive. We don't have any other information right now, and worrying about the possibilities isn't going to help anyone or anything. We can deal with the things we do know thus far, focus on the good ... like a 95% cure rate. That's high, and we're grateful!

In all honestly, before this news, Nick and I were separated. He moved out, completely. It seemed I had finally reached my breaking point with him. He pushed and pushed and pushed, and finally pushed hard enough. He was done with us, and I no longer wanted to dig for the energy to fight his self destruction. It was over.

This news has brought us together again. He's doing his best to see this cancer as a blessing. As a sign. As the wakeup call he's wished for for years, but wasn't strong enough or confident enough to make happen on his own. He's realizing how much time he's wasted. How much life he's taken for granted. He was finally hit with the sobering reality ... he could die, and our children (the younger two especially) will have never known the great great man he once was. Larson was only 4 when Nick left for Iraq. While he does have some memories of before, none of them really about the drastic changes in his Dad. Rylan was only about 6-7 months old when he left, and Owen was obviously not here yet.

This has been one of the hardest things for me to cope with for years. I cry often about it. About our kids never knowing the man I fell in love with. Our kids being robbed of the wonderful Father he could have (still could be) been. I cry thinking about all the time that has been wasted, and how different it could have turned out. Owen is 5 now, a year older then Larson was when all of this started. I dream of how drastically different our lives would be if he never would have volunteered to go.

The only thing I can do now is hope he's right ... hope he lets this cancer positively influence him. It would be easy to let this be another excuse to self destruct, and he fully acknowledges that it tempts him, but he also says that this news has given him a strength he hasn't felt in a long time. Strength to choose the harder path... knowing the rewards will make the uphill battle more then worth it.

Hope... it's all we have.

October 21, 2009

Here Comes the Sun...

Da Da Da Da...
Love that song!
Sitting outside enjoying the warm warm sunshine today. It's been pretty crisp and chilly as fall approaches ... I am happy for these spontaneous days of warmth. Listening to the kids laugh while they build a city out of dirt. Catching whiffs of my dreads drying the sun (they smell like patchouli today). Watching my dog chase flies, and even she hasn't caught one yet; she refuses to give up the fight.

I feel peace today. A welcome change to my feelings of tension and stress.
I feel alive today. A welcome change to feeling so lost.
I feel happy today. A welcome change to my ever increasing depression and sadness.

It's not easy to express how unhappy I feel these days. Personal reasons. Family reasons. Societal reasons. Depression and Medication go together these days. It's just not "ok" to admit feelings of depression unless you you also admit plans to put yourself on antidepressants. Why isn't it ok to feel sad anymore? Why must we always be happy? Yes, I know happiness is wonderful. It's a feeling we should all strive for. But why such a stigma on sadness? Why does just having that emotion mean we're "throwing up red flags"? I mean, sure, there comes a point in the sadness cycle when if what you're doing just isn't working, you feel yourself getting worse, and so it might be a good idea to seek some alternative options in dealing with it. But, again, why such a stigma on just being sad, and wanting to just allow that emotion to run it's course?

I'm tired of being lectured on the "importance" of antidepressants when I feel sad and depressed. Tired.Of.It! I do get that most, if not all, of these lectures are out of love and care and worry for me. I get that, and I appreciate so much that I have people around me who care so much. But really, what I need to hear is that it's ok to feel sad. It's ok to feel depressed. It's ok to just be.

I do have a lot of wonderful things in my life. Wonderful doesn't even come close to describing what I have. I am blessed in ways I never dreamed possible.

I also have many crappy things in my life... as does everyone, I'm sure. The crappy things seem to be at the forefront, taking up the most energy and so they are influencing my soul more and more.

One of my last blog posts was about perspective, and I know that's all that is needed here... to shift the crappy from the forefront, place the energy somewhere else. I know I have the power to do that. I just haven't yet. It is a harder and harder feat to accomplish as the situations grow crappier and crappier. It takes a lot of inward reflecting and time to dig deep enough to find that pool of strength - time and time and time again, and that's where I am right now. Reflecting and digging. I'll soon dig deep enough, just haven't yet, and I want to think that's ok.

In the meantime... this afternoon, spent relaxing in the sun with my kids, has been perfect. Something of great treasure to hold onto in the darker hours.

October 20, 2009

He's eating my hair!

Meet Jackson, the terror who influenced my dream and ultimately woke me up this morning!

I had just spent a couple of hours surfing the waves off the California coast. I was getting ready to rinse my hair when suddenly I decided instead to smear my head with tuna oil. Why? Because I thought it would be soothing to my itchy and scratchy scalp ... which was becoming increasingly more itchy as the seconds drone on.

Woke up to find Jax noshing on my dreads! I mean, he was reeeally going to town!
(side note - I put a little tuna in their food last night ... make the connection now? lol)

October 17, 2009

An apple a day ...

ok, you know the rest of it! lol.
Of course, eating just one apple a day wont do much of anything for you if the rest of your food choices follow a standard american diet, but there is some truth laced in that old adage.

I am always surprised at how much I love apples. I often turn away from them, and instead grab something else. I'm not sure why, really. I just never see them as appetising, exciting, worth the time. That is until I'm backed into a corner, hungry as heck, and the only thing near me is an apple. I reluctantly give in, take a bite, and more often then not I say the exact same thing ... 'WHY don't I eat these more often"?!?

They're so good (usually, there are bad varieties out there - barf!) and so conveniently packaged, lol.

They contain both types of fiber, helps your heart AND your intestines at the same time. Woot! They are a great blood sugar stabilizer for both hypo-glycemia and diabetes (it makes me sad to know there are so many with blood sugar issues that shy away from fruit because of all the misinformation out there). They possess antibacterial, anti-inflammatory, astringent, diuretic, and tonic properties. They contain all 9 essential amino acids (amino acids are what build protein in the body). Plus all their other vitamin and mineral content, of course. Speaking of, did you know the more tart the apple, the higher the vit c content will be? Fun fact!

Apples are great ... go eat one, or two, or seven, and remember to leave the skin on!

October 9, 2009

It all boils down to Perspective!

Feeling much better after my 'bitchin' pity party last night.
No residual hangover or anything!
Sweet! lol

Sometimes it's necessary to just ... wallow. I don't want to have to hide that part of me out of fear, or guilt, or not wanting to look/seem like an inconsiderate, non compassionate, soul-less human being. I don't want to be labeled a complainer. I don't want pity from anyone else. And I don't want to seem ungrateful for all of the wonderful things that are in my life. A bad day that I might feel like wallowing in every once-in-awhile shouldn't impact how I'm seen, it shouldn't define my character... by anyone, myself included (ok, myself mostly!)

It is what it is ... a bad day.

Most bad days I can turn around and remain hopeful, remain optimistic, remain happy; but sometimes I just want to cry, and scream, and bitch, and moan, and well ... feel sorry for myself. I'm giving myself permission to do that without the side order of guilt I usually lay down.

I know my husband is sick, and he can't just turn that off so I am allowed a break. I know he would if he could ... and just knowing that is enough most days. I wont lie, though, sometimes it's not. As irrational as that is, and I know it is, sometimes it's not enough. But that's ok. It's ok if we're not happy and hopeful every second of every day. It's ok if we sometimes mourn days past... an easier time. As long as we're not dwelling on the past, or on what could have been, it's ok to be sad, or mad at the situation sometimes. The majority of our energy is spent being grateful for what we have, not focusing on what we've lost. So, every once in a while, on those really bad days, when you're just zapped of hope and positive feeling - it's ok to wallow!
And, it probably wont last long before perspective comes back to you ...

October 8, 2009

Bring on the Party...

... because I'm about to dish up a heaping serving of pity!

No, seriously, I really am. Nose deep in self pity mode at the moment, and I just don't feel like climbing out of it yet. I want to feel mad. I want to feel sad. I want to feel resentment, and hate, and burden, and every other negative feeling I can think of.

I don't want to feel guilty for wanting to complain. I don't want to "shut up and appreciate what I've got". Not right now, anyway. Right now I want to complain!

I want to cry, and never stop. Well, maybe that one isn't true. I've already been crying a great deal, and I have a massive headache to show for it. I hate headaches.
Ahh, there we go, more hatred!

I am in SUCH a bad mood... I'm sure you could tell.

About what? Well, about everything, in particular. How's that for sweeping generalizations? Ha!

About my husband. I'm just, I don't know... sick of it. So SO sick of it. I want a break. I want him to put his illnesses on hold and GIVE ME A BREAK! Some freedom. Some peace of mind. Some CALM! I know, I know, not possible... but goddammit, find a way and give it to me!!!

I just feel so... stuck with him. How shitty does that sound? See, right there, trying to make myself feel guilty for this bitch fest. I don't want that. I want to EMBRACE this bitch fest! For once I don't want to put a "hopeful" spin on this. I want to feel it for all it's darkness!

Honestly, I don't know if I stay with him out of love or out of fear. I just don't know anymore. It's probably some of both at this point, with no clear winner at any given moment.

It's hard to share this with people. Real, in the flesh people, I mean. They just don't see it. They're not exposed to the darker side. They see a man who is out at the park with his family, smiling, laughing, chasing the boys down the slide. They hear a social man who isn't shying away from conversations with them, but rather engaging in them. They see a man who loves his wife, and bends over backwards for her. And yes, while all of that is true, all of that is just a small small part of him now. It used to be all of him, and now it's just a fraction. A small fraction that I get to see every once in a while. So as much pain as I have inside of me, I hold back from in the flesh people. Fear and anxiety kick in. They aren't going to understand. They wont "get it". They'll see me as such a complainer, when really, it doesn't "seem" like I have much to complain about.

Rationally, I know these are all my own issues. My insecurities and anxiety. I hold back. Don't let anyone get too close. Don't want to feel like a bother or a burden. Don't want to be seen as, like I said, the complainer, fear of rejection, etc... it all holds me back. How can you complain about feeling so alone when you wont let anyone get close? Good question! I might not have reason to complain ... but I'm going to continue to do it anyway!

Speaking of in the flesh people, this sisterhood that I long for... I just don't see it happening any time soon. I don't have enough me to invest in one. I know I am a good friend. I know I am. But I haven't been one lately (and by lately, I mean yrs). I don't have the time or the commitment to give right now, and friends deserve nothing less.

Nick takes so much time, and energy, and planning. With kids to think about... I'm reluctant to make plans for fear I'm going to have to flake, and consistent flakiness does not a good friend make! I hate that flakiness has been used to describe me! Hate it!! It's not really possible for me to commit to much of anything, and when I do, I ended up feeling like a horrible friend, because I'll often have to cancel.

How is Nicks mood? Is he patient enough to stay with the kids tonight? Is he showing signs of his ptsd flaring? What about his sleepiness, how much time before the kids go to bed, does it seem as though he'll make it till then? How have the kid been today? Will their antics flare up Nicks anger?

The questions are endless. Even if everything lines up perfectly, and I feel confident in leaving him with the kids, there's always that fear. I know he can change in an instant. It doesn't matter what kind of signs he's showing (or not showing) before I leave, because as soon as I pull out of the driveway, they could vanish and be replaced by anger, and meanness, or a complete narcoleptic episode that the kids can't wake him from. And quite honestly, it often is. I often come home to learn there has been some big blow out over something or another, and then I feel an immense amount of guilt for putting any of them in that situation. It's becoming not even worth it anymore.

So where does that leave my friendships? Well, I don't know. Not very good, I'd say. It's seeming to be too much, really. A sisterhood someday, I hope... but I'm beginning to see why it hasn't worked yet. Let it go.

Why did this come about tonight...
My favorite band is in town tonight for a concert. A really dirt cheap concert, mind you, and I had SO been looking forward to this night for months. However, my inability to create many meaningful friendships equalled that even if I had felt confident in leaving the kids with Nick (which, now that it's here - it wouldn't have happened. He is passed out asleep, unable to wake himself for the 2 minutes it takes to listen to one of his children tell him something)... I didn't leave myself with anyone to go with. Spectacular lonely little life I've given myself.
Second helping of pity, please, with a side of cheese!

So, ok, why not get a sitter for the kids, and go to the concert with your husband? Sounds like a good solution, right?
Umm, yea, no thanks!!!
I'd like to do that about as much as I'd like to stick a cattle prod in my eye!
Nick can't handle crowds. He doesn't like tight places packed with people. His anxiety goes into over drive. He becomes super vigilant. His jaw becomes clenched, his temples vibrate, his eyes become darty, his hands ball up. Not a real fun energy to be around. It's miserable. He doesn't want to be like that. He wants to be in crowds and have a good time. He becomes intensely defensive if I mention to him that he seems tense, and we end up fighting. Just so not interested in that scene.

So, I miss out, again.
Feel trapped.
Resentment boils
And here I am ...
drove myself to the middle of Pity Town, USA!

Such is life.

*because I just can't stand it...
I am usually an optimistic, hopeful person.
This isn't normal for me, and it's certainly not normal for one of my blog post. I often start out complaining, but usually my hopeful nature kicks in, and I can see the bright side, the silver lining, the good. I know I could get myself there right now if I tried ... but I don't want to. I just want to wallow for a little while. Is that so wrong?

October 7, 2009

Lets Talk Swine Flu Vaccinations

After reading and seeing so much propaganda about the swine flu vaccination, I decided I needed to blog about it. The hype is ridiculous. The scare tactics being used are ridiculous. The idea that school children should receive FOUR inoculations this fall for the flu is ridiculous.

Did you know there was a BIG swine flu scare back in 1976? 60 minutes did a show on it because so many people fell ill. Know what the findings were? The vaccination was the cause, not the flu itself.

Here we are again, in the same boat. History has a way of repeating itself, doesn't it? Do your research, arm yourself with knowledge.

Ask yourself a very important question ... Why are medical professionals and virologists (those who study these viruses) so adamant that they do not plan to immunize themselves or family members?

I mean, really, can it be any more clear?

If that isn't enough to get you thinking, how about this one... Is the vaccine even safe?
~The FDA has authorized an expedited approval process for the swine flu vaccine but we don't know yet if it is safe. Even GlaxoSmithKline, one of the vaccine manufacturers has said, "The total population studied in clinical trials will be limited, due to the need to provide the vaccine to governments as quickly as possible. Additional studies will therefore be required and conducted after the vaccine is made available."

Oh, wait, wait ... here's another little tid bit you might like to know:
Big Pharma has been granted immunity from all lawsuits, such as those that resulted from the 1970s swine flu vaccine. You simply have no recourse if you suffer a severe reaction, or even death, caused by complications from the vaccine (a vaccine that was rushed into production and not properly tested, remember). They're free and clear... safe. Does that make YOU feel safe?

A small article by Dr Lipman ... worth checking out.

Do your research!!!

October 6, 2009

Dread-tastic; Leave Them ALONE ...

What a concept. Leave them alone. It's simple, it's clear, it's direct. Leave them alone. It's perfect!

Granted, I am only on day 4 this time, but wow, what a difference a simple action (or non action, really) has ... leave them alone!

I haven't done a thing with my dreads since starting them again, and they're looking and feeling so much better then they were the first go 'round. Haven't checked to see if they're eating each other, so I could immediately separate them. I plan to only do that after each washing (separating and palm rolling). I haven't fussed with the pieces that seem to be getting more loose, or the stray hairs that have found their way free ... no backcombing and crocheting maintenance And absolutely NO WAX this time... a rule I started off following the first time, until obsession and desperation lead me straight to the sticky product. Yelch! I've found that I actually really LOVE the messy, fuzzy, unkempt look that the wax was keeping at bay. LOVE IT!

Can I tell you just how much happier I am this time. More free. More natural. More ME. What could be better?! :-)

(all photos are from Day 2)

October 3, 2009

Revival of the Dreads

and this time I am determined to keep the crazy down to a minimum, lol.
(click here to see more of my Dreadie Journey photos)

They did take an ubber long time to create, and there has already some drama with the process...

Nick wanted to help me, so I told him he could. He's a Virgo... anal perfectionist to the core (on some things).

The sectioning of my hair took such a long time. 4 days the first time (yes, I said FOUR DAYS), before he realized he didn't like the way it was turning out (the sections were really uneven, and he curved upward the entire way up my head). At that point I really wanted to wash my hair again, so I took all of the bands out, and he started again the next day.
The second time it took only 2 days to section ... wow, right? lol. He was pretty happy with himself, proud of the grid work he put down, so yay - good for him.
He counted the sections, and there were exactly 60. Sounded good. I wanted absolutely no less then 60, and hoped for no more then 75-80 or so. 60 would work. The dreading began. Took 2 days to finish. When he was almost done, I asked him to count again, because it just didn't seem right. The dreads seemed thicker, the sectios seemed way big, leaving big gaps. He counted again, and there were only 50! Ugh! All of his anal perfectionism couldn't be put toward a recount BEFORE dreading, right? Or perhaps measuring inch sized boxes, instead of inch and a half sized ones, right? That man!

He felt really really bad. I was trying hard to be optimistic. Maybe it would work. Sure, it looked like crap at the moment, but in time perhaps the size and amount would be perfect for me.
I decided to sleep on it, see how I felt in the morning.
Morning came, and I felt worse. Thicker dreads just wasn't what what I envisioned for me, and I really didn't like the huge gaps of scalp that you could see - lol. I knew it would continue to bug me, daily, until I was an obsessive lunatic again... so I made the decision to pick those dreads apart so we could get it right.

Nick went back to work sectioning my hair.
It took almost 21 hours for him to section, and then 2 nights to dread. We finished early this morning, and I love it!!
I left the front undreaded, so there are 64 dreads (though if I ever decide to dread up these front pieces, there will be 70 total).
When they lock up and fill out, I think they're going to be the perfect thickness for me. They're all scratchy and awkward looking right now, but I love em!

September 30, 2009

I Won!

I entered a photography contest for the Unearth Celebration this year.
Unearth is this week long event showcasing and celebrating artists of all type... signing, poetry, painting, photography, dancing, sculpting, song writing etc ... just a big artistic party, really.

I entered 6 photographs total. All 6 are being displayed during the event, and THREE of them WON!

1st Place in the Adult Black & White Category...
"Carefree Wonderment"

2nd Place in the Adult Digital Creativity Category...
"Conscious Freedom:

3rd Place in the Adult Human Nature Category...
"Stolen Moments"

And the other 3 photos I enetered...
"Inspired Dreams"

"Intertwinded Beaty"

"Burst of Color"

What Fun!!!

August 25, 2009

Divine Sisterhood of the Traveling YaYa's ... (wait, no, that's not it)

Is she blogging about Sisterhoods again?
Yes, my loves, she is!

As some of you may remember from my previous blog post, I've longed for a "deep and meaningful" sisterhood of friends. I miss it, I wish it, I crave it.

I do have some really good friends around me right now. Friends that I know I could call up in the middle of the night if I needed them. Friends that would and have been there for me as much as I would and have been there for them. Friends that I hope to have for a lifetime.

I have different friends, from different circles, and the relationships I have with these women separately are great ... as a whole, however, the void is still there. I haven't yet found that tribe like atmosphere that I long for. That group of strong women who honestly and deeply care about one another wholly. Sure, some in the group may be better friends with others, but as a whole, they all get a long. They share trust, respect, kindness, love... that's my dream. It's what I want.

You have to take the good with the bad ... I've been told. But you know what, I don't want to! Perhaps that makes me stubborn, childish, and a bit of a snob ... but honestly, I don't want to. When it comes to pouring my heart and soul into something, like a sisterhood, I'm not going to do it when there are people whom I don't trust lurking the borders. I'm guarded in that respect. As such, I don't have the level of trust and comfort and self assurance needed for the next level here. And as it stands, I don't know that it's going to be possible here.

As much as I am so absolutely not interested in the petty cat fight drama that can come with groups of women, it seems that I am right smack dab in the middle of some. It's getting so old. Really, so very damn old. So much so that I finally put an end to it, and removed myself from the situation. I've pulled away greatly. In theory, I had no "reason" to pull away. I wasn't the snakey and manipulative one. I didn't betray trusts. I didn't talk crap behind peoples back. I didn't take advantage of some really wonderful people. I didn't seek out ways to hurt. I could have stood my ground, and instead made the other person feel all uncomfortable and awkward, which would have made her retreat, but that just isn't appealing to me. THAT is what would make me feel stubborn, childish, and a bit of a snob. Instead I put some distance up. Distance that isn't fair to the other women in the group, and my heart aches because of it, but distance that I had to put up for myself.

I don't want to be around people like that, I have zero desire to. I mean, if push comes to shove... I am an adult, and I can be cordial if a situations come up, but I'm not about to knowingly and openly invite those situations any longer. This person hurt me, time and time again. This person is going out of her way to continue slinging jabs at me, even now. This person has negatively talked about and manipulatively used and taken advantage of people I care about. She's a self involved liar ... and I have no interest, whatsoever, in being around her.

What does that mean? Just what I started this blog post with ... I am longing for a sisterhood. One with trust, with kindness, with respect, with love. One similiar to this ... a blog I frequent.

Pie in the sky? Perhaps ... but I wont give up the dream!

August 18, 2009

Are Pigs Flying?

Is Hell Freezing Over?

Has Someone Learned the Art of Crapping Money?

No? Really, we're not in an alternate universe?

Then can someone PLEASE explain THIS to me ...

What? Huh? Err? Eh? HUH?!

Let me try to organize my thoughts really quickly about this.
Ummm... it sucks!
Yep, that about sums it up! lol

No, really, I love Favre. Always have ... Always will.
If he still feels he has game left in him, and theres a team out there willing to give him a field to play on, then by all means... Go Get Some, Brett!
But, the Vikings, seriously???
C'mon man!

I'm a cheesehead, through and through. I know everyone says this about their favorite sports team, but they're all liars, and I actually MEAN IT ... The Packers are MY TEAM!!! Good times, bad times... those are my boys, dammit ... MY BOYS!

My Boys have a sour apple in the bunch. He goes by the name of Ted Thompson. The weaselly little fuck of a guy who pushed Brett out... pressured him into early retirement and turned his back on him. I didn't like Thompson well before his and Bretts very publicized debacle occurred ... that dislike grew 10 fold after. It's a full blown hatred now. Though, sports hatred doesn't carry the same weight with it as actual "real life" hatred does, so no, I don't sit up nights wondering how I can get even with the slime ball! lol. Although, I have to say, the thought of Thompson being made to CHOKE on his choices does make me as giddy as a school girl talking to her crush ... and that image could very well play out this season, with good 'ol #4 behind center of the Vikings. The VIKINGS. Arch Rivals of my Pack! Brett could walk out onto that field and mop the floor (ahem, grass/dirt/mud ... or turf, as the case may be) with the Packers. Essentially shoving it straight down Thompsons egotistical throat! How do you like me now, Fucko?! In a very "Kiss My White Ass, Ball" kind of way.

Oooh, happy day!
I can hear the "Fire Ted Thompson" chants now!
Ahhh, bliss!!!

Can you imagine it being the other way around? Brett Favre gets BEAT by Thompsons "new team". The squirrely ass-nugget will be instantly glorified... validated in shoving Brett aside and moving on. Way.To.Fucking.Go Ted, Bravo! Bravo!

Yea, hand me a barf bag please!

#1 ... I love Brett. I hate, absolutely HATE the way he was treated by his former "family". I'm protective of the man (me, protective, hogwash! lol!!!) and I want the person who betrayed him to suffer the consequences of being such a colossal JACKASS! It's only right, right? He was pressured into retirement. Made to feel unwanted. Made to feel he was washed up and needed to call it quits. Made to feel it was time to pass the baton, ahem, pigskin onto his protege and step aside. Yes, it IS just a game, and if Thompson wanted to go in a different direction, then so be it. But fuck, don't play manipulative mind games with a man who gave you everything. Man up, grow a set, and let everyone know that YOU and YOU ALONE made the decision to steer away from Brett and head in another direction with your team. YOU no longer wanted Brett ... don't paint it the other way around. He shouldn't be able to get away with treating someone like that with nothing happening to him. Just shouldn't. I'm all about justice! Karma is a bitch! That Karma needs to strike quickly, before he's able to cause any more damage. Which leads me to numero dos:
#2 ...I fully believe my Pack would be a much better team with someone else up in that fancy office, and I also believe that if the Packers crumble this year, with 2 loses to the "Come Back, Kid" ... Thompsons termination could actually be a very real possibility.

Root against my team for the better of my team?
No, that can't be right!


August 7, 2009

Going Under the Knife *updated*

Surgery day is upon us... any positive thoughts, good vibes, prayers, etc that you can send up for my sweet boy will be much appreciated!
Will post an update here later...


Surgery went well ... Owen is doing good.
He's tired an emotional from the anesthesia, but he's doing well.


For those who have no idea what surgery I'm talking about...
He had surgery on a gliding / undescended testicle and a hernia.

When he was born, one of his testes was difficult to find. We were told to monitor it, and if at a year it was still undetectable, we'd discuss our options. Well, as far as I can remember, it was found. I know that sounds horrible... "as far as I can remember". I'm his Mother, right? I should know, right? But no, I can't be certain. I am certain, however, that his dr stopped worrying about it, and options were never discussed, so I have to assume that yes, we did find it. Right? Ugh, I don't know. I can't remember. Anyway, we noticed back in December that it was again (or still?) not descended. We had him looked at by a urologist, who found the testicle not too far up in his groin, was able to maneuver it down into the scrotum, but upon releasing it, it would quickly withdraw back up into the groin. He recommended surgery.

Me, being the anti-dr kind of person that I am, started researching. The difference between a gliding testicle and an undescended testicle. From what I read, a gliding testicle is able to be located and maneuvered down into the scrotum. Surgery is not recommended for gliding testicles, as they are only caused by a hyperactive cremaster muscle, and they very often will correct themselves during puberty. Upon further reading, I read that a gliding testicle, once maneuvered into the scrotum, should remain in the scrotum until that cremaster muscle is "tested" (ie... lightly brushing the inner thigh). Owens testicle would retreat immediately back into the groin after releasing it, without triggering the cremaster muscle, so it didn't *sound* like his was a gliding testicle ... but since surgery was involved, I wanted a second opinion anyway.

Second opinion ... surgery was recommended.

Can I just say, as demented as this might sound, I'm kind of glad there was a hernia that needed to be repaired (hernias are very common with undescended testicles). I was absolutely torn about whether or not to opt for the surgery until we found out about the hernia. In my mind, it turned from an optional procedure, into a necessary one... and that made all the difference.

So, now that you're all caught up... onto surgery day!

I was so nervous - Owen was hungry! lol
We had to wait for about 1 1/2 - 2 hours before they called us back to prep.

What do you do with some time to kill...

And when you get tired of doing the pulling...

Of course some pre-surgery snuggles with Mama are always in order...

They finally called us back. We spoke with the Dr. He again went over everything that was going to happen, what to expect, etc.

Owens stats were taken...

He dressed into his hospital gown...

and he took some pics with Mommy and Daddy...

We were in the prep room for about 45 minutes. One by one, we talked with each dr and nurse that would be in the operating room. Procedures explains, questions answered. We talked as a family, joked, laughed, snuggled ...
before one last brotherly hug was given...

and he was wheeled away...

About 2 second after this picture was taken - my tears were finally able to be released. It's not easy watching your baby being taken away. I've always had a compassionate heartache for Mothers that have had to endure such a scene ... it has grown 10 fold. Such strong, strong women!

2 hours. Surgery would take approx 2 hours. What was I supposed to do to stay occupied for TWO HOURS!!!
We went to a different area in the hospital so the other two boys could eat. We sat, talked, worried, and played while we waited for that special little beeper they gave us to go off and give us updates. The first time the beeper went off, I jumped and was looking around like "WTH is that"?! It took a good 30 seconds to actually pinpoint the sound, and make sense of it. 30 seconds doesn't sound like a lot of time, I know, but go ahead and set an alarm off and count to 30. It's not as fast as you'd think! lol.
The first alert was to tell us that surgery had started, and was going well.
About an hour later, right after Nick took the other two boys to the bathroom, the beeper went off again. This time it only took about 2-3 seconds to realize what it was. Progress! lol.

surgery complete, please return to waiting room
is what the msg read.

My heart sank! I mean, it really sank hard.
"it has only been an hour. Wasn't it supposed to take 2?
What was wrong? What happened?
Why was surgery over so quickly?
OMG, what happened?
Nick, where is Nick?
We have to go NOW - where is NICK!?
In the bathroom, he's in the bathroom, Where.The.Hell is the bathroom"?

Yea, so, I wasn't really in a calm and collected state of mind, was I?

Nick and the boys came back from the bathroom, I already had everything packed up, and we went back to the waiting room. We sat in the consult area where the Dr came in to talk to us. He explained that surgery went very well. Owens hernia was quite bad (disected in two places), but everything went better then could be expected, and no recovery problems were anticipated.

Finally, after 20 minutes, they brought us back to our little monkey ... completely conked out. The nurse said he had just woken a minute ago, asked for a little water, and then fell right back asleep (before even getting the water). Poor sweetie. He was mostly sleeping for the next hour and a half in recovery, waking just for brief moments to shift, or see where he was...

It was finally time to go home!!!!!
We set him up in the hospital wagon...

and with Biggest Brother doing the pulling; off we went...

it was a tough ride...

Just a two hour drive, and we'll finally be home
He couldn't wait that long ...