October 30, 2011

Halloween 2011

Monk, Barney Stinson, and Sir Vampire

with a Witch... and Satan, too. 

It's not really Halloween today.
But the area is celebrating it anyway.
If a holiday doesn't fit into your schedule.
Don't shift your schedule.
Just move the holiday.
Sounds totally reasonable, right?
Any-Way; trick or treating was tonight.
We opted not to go.
We don't eat the candy anyway.
And I don't need to be tempted; thankyouverymuch.
We were going to trick or treat for unicef again.
But decided not to. 
We went to get lost in a corn maze instead.
And lost we did get.
Even with color coded tape etching out the paths.
How does that happen?
And then it started to rain.
And the wind was already turbo whipping.
And then we were freezing.
We couldn't stop.
Had to find the bridge.
The bridge was so important.
I don't know why.
But it was.
Further and further into the maze.
Couldn't see over our heads anymore. 
Dripping wet.
All turned around.
Good Times!

October 29, 2011

at the threshold

Larson is walking into teenage-dom in just 5 short days. I can't believe it myself; but it's happening regardless. *shrug*  To kick off this huge milestone we dropped him off at an all night skateboarding lock-in. He.Was.Thrilled!!! The title of his blog (skateboarding is my life) should tip you off to the importance of this 4 wheeled sport to him. This was his first solo over-night, so it was a very bitter-sweet moment for me ... but the excitement in his face tipped the scale slightly to the more sweet side 

Getting read to party the night away

Bye Lars; have a great time behind that door! lol

An old warehouse turned HUGE indoor skate park. So cool.

Still smiling after 11 1/2 hours on his board.

Showing off some of his new boarding skills.
He really picked up A LOT in just one night!

Working the bowl.

Back at home showing us the loot he won in a few contests.

October 28, 2011

Late to the Party

We finally put up our Halloween decorations.
Well, the outside decorations anyway.
The inside stuff still sits in a big box.
Better late then never?
Let's get this party started...

October 27, 2011


We were on our way to go apple picking.
Last pick of the season.
Apples almost completely harvested.
We drove over a river.
The scenery took my breath away. 
"How do we get down there".
Turn around.
Turn again. 
"Can we get there from here".
"The apple farm will close soon".
"Should we just forget this river and come back another day".
If we don't make it to the apples, that's ok.
Life's a journey; not a destination.
Embrace life's little detours.
Nick is home. 
Another detour.
Still sorting out my feelings about it.
No words yet.
Just photos of a good day.

Trying to knock down a piece of fruit.
3rd attempt finally got it; but it was rotten.
No Bueno.

Stomping through "the jungle" to get to the river.

The jungle left me with 50 million different thorns to pick out of my clothes.
Seriously. Not an over-exaggeration. 50 million.

Up in a Tree trying to balance his Chi. 

Had to facebook a photo, of course

Trees jetting out over water beg to be climbed.

Such a peaceful spot. I could have napped out on that tree limb, lol. 

With all of the climbing, crawling, and limb balancing going on;
we had only one casualty.
Pretty good.
Rylan thought otherwise.  

October 25, 2011

OMG, Get Me Out Of Here!

Our new house has a pool.
There's no heater in it.
We're in Wisconsin.
It's COLD.
Kids don't care.



October 24, 2011

Holistic Blogging

lake michigan

Some people ask me why I don't keep blog posts like that of 3 days ago private. If I need an outlet for such intense feelings (which I guess is socially acceptable *shrug), why wouldn't I choose to instead write them in a journal, or some other secretive place; just for me (anything else is socially unacceptable I guess *double shrug). Or at the very least ... why don't I just delete the psychotic post once I'm feeling better.

The simple answer is probably because I'm lazy. It's easier to keep everything in one place, right? Less confusion for me. And actually, even if that were the only reason; that would be good enough for me! *Cheers! I'm out!

But... that's not the only reason. *'Nother round, boys.

Some believe I'm just mean spirited and lashing out to hurt others in my time of despair and / or it must be my *unhealthy way of asking for help. I'll call bullshit on both of those blanket judgements. Reality is, sure, sometimes I'm lashing out, and sometimes I may be crying for help. Not in a high school "I'm going to go on my blog and verbally bash him; that'll show him, and THE WORLD, how much he hurt me ... maybe then they'll feel bad enough to actually care and help" kind of way. Please! I don't blog with the intention of lashing out OR crying for help; but in the depths of my frustration, both can come out while writing (or talking, or looking, or... we all do it). All times, though, I am being 100% me. The good and the bad. The happy and the sad. I'm on a journey, and I have chosen to document and share that journey through writing and photography ... authentically. The raw reality of my journey; without censorship. I don't share all of everything, but I do share a little bit of everything; The whole spectrum. It's colorful up in this bitch - you have to give me that!

I can't come on here and share only feelings of happy sunshine and roses; to do so wouldn't be honest, or responsible, or in line with my purpose. And anyway, it would bore me to the point of sticking forks in my eye sockets just for sport. Not cool.

I wouldn't want a woman in despair herself, looking for a connection or understanding, to stumble upon my blog and assume the false impression that I have it all together. That sure, I have xyz going on in my life, but I'm able to maintain a clean home, am raising well adjusted kids who don't have a problem in the world, and have a calm demeanor at all times. I have no desire to portray the picture of strength and class in moments of pure hell. It's not me. It's not my reality. I don't have it all together. Not even close! My life gets messy. Really, really messy. I have intense reactions to intense situations sometimes most of the time. And that intensity can absolutely get explicit. Fuck! It would be dishonest, and even irresponsible of me to pretend otherwise.

I've visited blogs that share stories but not journeys. Example ... A woman who may also be dealing with her husband walking out on her. Oh, a kindred spirit, I'll think ... and I'll immediately feel close to her. Wanting to get to know her. Wanting to cling to a connection, an understanding, a likeness. I'm all vulnerable and sinking, and here's this gift (sick and twisted to call another woman's husband ditching her a gift, I know, but stay with me). This precious gift from the universe of another soul walking this path with me. I'm not alone. I already feel comforted, so I start to read. She writes calm, well written, zen like post after post about her enlightenment and optimism. No mess. No anger. No sadness. No confusion. No worry. No pity. Pure class, 100% of the time. WHAT?! When I'm already feeling so vulnerable and broken and looking for understanding from others who are on the same roller coaster; and those are the only types of blogs I find ... I walk away feeling even worse about myself. A weak failure. I'm struggling to even change my socks on a weekly basis; and here's Miss Zen Poppins (the lesser known of the Poppin sisters) over here all meditated and blissed out. Home is sparkly clean. Kids are not affected by the loss because of her tireless devotion and attention to the little darlings. She doesn't have dark circles or puffy eyes. And there is no way she sleeps in his old t-shirts! What kind of pathetic frumpy loser I must be!

Yea yea yea ... you can't compare yourself to others, blah blah blah. I'll call bullshit on that, too. Because when you're vulnerable and lost and looking for a connection - it's hard to not be affected by a blissed out Poppins, am I right? I mean, sure, it's something we should all strive for; not comparing ourselves to others. The thing is... that can be trying in the best of circumstances; when we're filled with exuberant amounts of confidence bursting out of our ears, and our sense of self is top notch. But in bad moments, really really bad vulnerable sinking into ourselves moments; it's an uphill battle that you wont always win. Try for it, sure, but you wont always make it. So, yes, Miss Zen Poppins on her yoga mat while simultaneously whipping up a batch of "made from scratch" waffles for little johnny while also putting little becky's hair up into a perfect little french twist is, well, fucked up!

That's not me. Obviously. And I wont pretend it is. Not for me. Not for my children. Not for my readers. I am much more drawn to the 100% authentic, raw, gritty, organic blogs that aren't afraid to show their less then perfect sides ... like mine. I'm so thankful I have this space to turn to when the intense darkness starts setting in. It's great therapeutic help. And then to come back to this space and share when I've worked through my despair, and can again see the light. It's the whole; and anything less is not acceptable for me.

I'm calling it holistic blogging. Go forth and spread the word...

October 23, 2011

Sunday's Songbird ... What I Got

We went on a late night pickle run to the health food store last week, because, well ... just because. Pickles and Dates stuffed with almonds, dipped in cashew butter, and then rolled in carob powder are a big part of whats keeping me sane these day. Not because I'm pregnant, thankyouverymuch. Things suck and I like food. So, I was out of pickles; it didn't matter the hour - we had to go get some. Yes, I could just make my own, but as I said ... things suck, and I don't want to. So, with my vinegary dill gold in hand, we left the store and got into the car. This song started playing. I can't sit still while Franti is rocking. I just can't. I think it's wired in me. And actually, that would explain my dream. I dreamt the other night that I was dating Franti (yes, I know; could totally happen) and we were hanging out in the Caribbean, because that's just how we roll. Anyway, we spent the morning swimming in the ocean, and when we got back to our cabana outside of our beach house (I know, right!) he wanted to help me wash my hair. All sweet and sexy "Come here, baby ... let me help you with that". No, not creepy ... sweet! And sexy! ANYway, so this song started playing when the kids and I got back to the car ... we really had no choice but to get out and shake our groove thangs right there in the parking lot. 4 or 5 songs later we were still going strong, but the store closed about 10 minutes prior, so we decided to hit the road before the 5.0 circling the block hit us. Peace *we're out!

I love Franti and Spearheads version (subtle lyrical changes) of this song. And no, not just because we're exclusive; though that definitely helps...

*my sunday's songbird posts always have a video attached, so if you're reading on a subscription feed make sure to click over to the blog to watch!

What I Got ~Michael Franti and Spearhead
Early in the morning (in the morning yall) 
Risin' to the street (up in the streets yall)
Light me up that mary jane 
I got no shoes on my feet (shoes on my feet yall)
Got to find a reason (I need a reason)
A reason things went wrong (why'd they go wrong)
Got to find a reason why my money's all gone (I'm broke)
I Ain't got no dalmatian (yup)
But I can still get high
And I can play that guitar like a mother shut your mouth

Life is too short 
So love the one you got 
You might get run over 
Or you might get shot (you might get shot)
Never start no static
I just get it off my chest (off my chest)
Never had no battle with no bulletproof vest (no bulletproof vest)
Take a small example
Take a tip from me (from me)
Take all of your money and give it up to charity (charity)
Love is in your heart
And in the disco
And the spearhead style come straight from frisco
It all comes back to you 
you finally get what you deserve (deserve)
Try and test that and you're bound to get served (get served)
Love is what I got
Don't start a riot (riot)
You love it when the dance gets hot hot hot hot

Lovin' is what I got so remember that
Lovin' is what I got so remember that
Lovin' is what I got so remember that
Lovin' is what I got I got my mom smokes pot

I don't get angry when my dog runs away (nah)
I don't get angry with the bills I gots to pay (nah)
I don't get angry when my Mom smokes pot (nah)
But I get happy happy when Gab rocks the mic

It doesn't matter when the voice is all chatter
Like the rings around Saturn and there ain't no cake batter hey (batter)
See all that matters is the sound pitter patter of the
Heart's breathing pattern every day is like a Saturday
Could be sadder but conditions much badder for those
Livin' in the savage third planet space anatomy (anatomy)
I got talent and some lyrics that are valid even if my
Vote ballot doesn't even matter anyway
So what you say hey can I bum a penny eh
So that I can generate some food on my dinner plate
I got love growing way down in my inneries
Just to keep my head level that a devil couldn't penetrate
That's love Gab; yo that's love Mike
For the people Gab; for the people Mike

Lovin' is what I got so remember that
Lovin' is what I got
Lovin' is what I got so remember that
Lovin' is what I got I got I got I got

Love for the people no matter who they be
Love for the fishes in the deep blue sea
Love for the birds up in the sky
Love for the planes just flyin by
People over here and the people over there
Sunday morning sittin' in your underwear
It don't matter where you from
We got love for everybody rumpa-pum-pum

October 22, 2011

there's light in this beast's belly...

This too shall pass. Still in the midst of this family storm, and probably will be for quite a while, but I can see a rainbow today. Some beauty and magic in the depths of despair.  (all figuratively speaking... these rainbow photos were snapped a coupla weeks ago. There was actually a double rainbow that day. Magic indeed!)

I'm feeling better. Still really, really hurt, but the intensity of yesterday (a brief period of yesterday, that is) has passed. As it always does. Sometimes while you're in the thick of it; it's hard to imagine it passing. The enormity of the feelings seem so permanent. The situation becomes so overwhelming that you feel consumed. Wrapped up in the belly of a beast, and you can't see any way out. Just darkness.  

I miss him. I don't care how stupid, or naive, or ignorant, or weak that sounds. I miss him. That's why I'm in so much pain. If I didn't care about him, about our marriage, about our family ... it wouldn't be so hard to come to grips with the fact that it's all over. That he walked out and wants nothing to do with us. Our lives have been hell for 90% of the past 8 years - and that really isn't an exaggeration. But he's my husband. My marriage meant something to me. And my family was worth sticking it out and saving. So I stayed through all of the heartbreak and sadness. Through all of the lies and betrayal. Through all of the abandonment and instability. I stayed and I fought. But I was in the fight alone; so it was futile from the start. Hindsight. If only hindsight were foresight; I may have been able to protect us all from such crushing pain. But it doesn't work that way. And my heart is not letting go yet. And even if it did work that way; hindsight may have given my brain much needed information for protection... but my heart wouldn't have listened. And I would have followed it. As I always do. She leads me into a fiery hell time and time again, but I still follow her. I miss him. I wish it were different. I wish like mad that things could be different. I wish he were here raking leaves; while our children jump like wild monkeys scattering them again. I wish he were here to rub my arms the way he used to to warm me up; and then hold my hand as we watch our kids throw around his pile of leaves. I wish he were here to hunker down in our fort of blankets and watch a family movie with us. But things aren't different, and he chooses not to be here. Eventually I'll accept that, but I'm not there yet. 

Without the foresight, and without any closure ... it's hard and painful and scary and paralysing to let go. But, atleast for today, I can see light shining down into this beast's belly. That makes all the difference. And the fact that my genius son got the lawnmower to work, and mowed the entire yard yesterday while I was inside cursing and crying ... yep, that helps, too! ;-)

It's only out of a storm that the beauty of a rainbow shines ...

October 21, 2011

Light as a Lawnmower

It's been a beautiful day. The sun is shining. The weather is tolerable. We went on a walk to the gas station (had to get more gas for the lawnmower) because we just couldn't waste this gorgeous day in a car.

And then; out of nowhere; I snapped ...

It's about to get really bitchy and curse filled up in here; I'm mad as shit right now! And I curse when I'm mad! Alot! I'm on the verge of a break down, and I'd rather explode all over this blog (yea, don't care if it offends certain readers); then explode at my kids, or my pets, or the fucking lawnmower that is seriously going to get a metal bat slung in her face over and over AND OVER!

I hate this lawnmower!!!

Total projection ... It's my bastard of a husband; estranged husband? soon to be ex husband? dead husband? You know, he might be, I have no idea. He's made sure to make it look to me and the kids as though he basically fell off the face of the earth. Anyway, it's him that I am SO fucking mad at. I knew it would be something little that tipped the scale to my complete breakdown; the feather that broke the camels back so to speak... and my inability to start this fucking broken piece of shit lawnmower did it! Why can't I get the thing started? WHY! I'm smart. I'm strong. I'm capable. What the hell is wrong with me that I can't start a damn mower?! SHIT!

Ahh, yes, back to the culprit. A man who walked out on his family. On HIS KIDS! One who is getting ready to celebrate his 13th birthday, and every time he thinks about the impending day, he starts to cry. The poor sweet kid can't even get excited about turning 13, because the only thing he can think about is how this will be the second birthday in a row that his Dad couldn't bother to show up for. He's already trying to prepare himself for the fact that his Dad also probably won't call, because, let's face it ... he wont. Doing so might bring him guilt, and frustration, and sadness, and anger ... and please, he needs to spare himself such feelings! He comes first. Protect himself first. Always. We haven't heard from him up until this point; there's really no reason to think that a huge day for his son will actually bring him out of hiding ... or wherever the hell he is. And actually, him calling on just that day will probably be so much harder on the 4 of us anyway. It'll scratch and poke at already sensitive gapping wounds. We'll all sit around and contemplate what that one and only phone call means. Will there be more. Does he still love us. Are we going to see him. When. On and on it will go. It's hard. And not fair. So as much as Larson wants to be near him... if he can't make contact with us PRIOR to the big day; then I hope we don't hear from him at all. Larson has already asked that if we don't hear from Nick on his birthday, if it would be ok for him to call the hospital to talk to his dad. I wont stop the kids from contacting him (or trying to). I'm afraid, though, that Nick isn't there, and Larson is going to be so much more heartbroken and worried once he learns that. Right now, we don't know where the hell he is, or what he's doing. The kids have an idea that he's at the VA. Safe. Getting help (like Nick can actually be helped in a system that makes it ok to run away from problems; advocates for it, even). Once Larson tries to make contact and learns that Nick isn't there (or has already left) ... what then? Worry and fear. Further abandonment and confusion. That's not fair!!! So then I think I hope we do hear from him, even if it does bring us more questions, confusion, and pain ... it's the lesser of the two monopolizing evils, isn't it? It breaks my heart to watch my children cope with this loss. They all love their Dad so so much. And Larson wants nothing more then for his Dad to be part of this HUGE milestone birthday for him. I don't know what to say or do to help him navigate through this. Any of us for that matter. Atleast last year we knew Nick was still alive, right? But actually, I don't know if that makes it easier or more difficult? The jury is still out.

Denial is gone. (I think... unless I'm in denial about that, too. Probably am).
Grief comes and goes.
Anger is here visiting at the moment.
I may not be going through the steps in order; but hell... I've never been one to follow the conventional path anyway; screw order!

And screw Nick!

  • My washing machine was broken in the move, and I don't want to deal with a repair man, so I keep putting it off.
  • My landlord (owner of the house AND a realtor herself) is a lying loon. Her house is falling apart; and she wont fix it. Never mind the fact that no doors in the house lock. I've since fixed the locking issues (mostly) ... but I'm still freaked the fuck out every . single . night . in this house alone. 
  • I have no idea if the VA disability rating has come back yet ... by which giving my kids (and me; for the time remaining in our marriage) health insurance plus extra income that we banked on when renting this house.
  • And I also have no idea if or when he will redirect all money out of my account and into his ... so I'm feeling super stable on the financial... being able to house and feed my children... front.

SO MAD! Just doesn't capture the feelings I have. Probably because anger is usually a mask for pain and hurt. And If we're stripping the anger defense, and being bare bones honest here, I am so very hurt. Completely and utterly heart broken. I feel used. I feel taken advantage of. I feel like 13 years of my blood, sweat, and tears meant nothing to him. I feel as though I meant absolutely nothing to him. He got what he needed from me (my knowledge and tireless determination to get us him out of the military honorably and financially set; if he were left to do it on his own, he would have gotten his ass kicked out with nothing) and then threw me away. And our children. Our sweet sweet children, who just want to be near him, were they just the collateral damage? Did they  mean anything to him? My heart is breaking for me. It's breaking so very much more for them. I can't stop crying now. Great!

Back to grief? Goddammit!

I think the cleanse I'm doing is releasing toxins (which is pretty much the point, right) ... because I feel it. I feel weak and tired, cold, heavy, kind of flu-ish ... and my emotions are all . over . the . place!  I go through some pretty hard core emotional detox while I'm cleansing. That's probably it. That's probably why a stupid stupid STUPID lawnmower sent me over the edge. God, I hate that mower!!

I hear it!! I think Larson got it started!
Oh holy crap ... I love that kid!!!

October 20, 2011

Seborrheic Dermatitis VLOG

ok, seriously... lol. I couldn't figure out why my "props" looked off while showing them. You can see the confusion in my face with that box, right? lol. Not until I watched the video playback did I finally see that they were all backwards! Yea, I'm tired as all get out! Sorry peeps. Wouldn't know how to fix it for next time anyway. Used the apple photobooth ... why is it backwards? anyone? anyone? bueller? bueller?

couldn't remember the name in the video, but the condition I was originally diagnosed with (way back when I was pregnant with Larson) was lupus. I also forgot to mention that I'm going to be more diligent about taking my probiotics every day. I take them now, have since going raw, but I'm not really consistent. Along with that, I am also going to make sure I'm drinking atleast one ACV drink a day. Have to get my gut all balanced out. Wish a girl some luck ;-)  Will update as soon as there's something to report !

October 19, 2011

*on not wasting the sweetness

a tree at the apple farm we recently visited

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
~ Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

I read this passage on a lovely blog I frequent, and it moved me so much. Actually, I think that's the exact line she used when sharing this, too. There's really no other way I would describe it. Moving. The things going on in my life right now are pretty heavy. Broken, betrayed, left, hurt, and even death in a sense - all so near to me right now. It would be easy to throw up walls and close myself off, but I don't. I wont. This thing called life is so very short; I'm not about to waste the sweetness. 

October 17, 2011

Autumn Colors and Muddy Buns

It's been pretty Gloom and Doom around here lately.
Need to balance that out with some Sun and Fun.
Sooo, a happy post (*with a home video at the end) ...

The boys and I had a park picnic last weekend. 
The weather was warm. 
The colors were gorgeous. 
The park begged us to enjoy her. 
We obliged, of course. 

I really have missed Autumn in Wisconsin
Although, reading over that post again, I would have to take back the part about  Wisconsin Autumns being the most beautiful in the country. Nope. Not even close. That must have been my home-sick-ness talking, lol. 
The colors here ARE gorgeous, though. 
I love them! 
So vibrant and warm.
Set against a bright blue sky.
and I love the crunch, crunch, crunch under my feet when I walk.

and then Larson 
being 100% Larson 
decided he could and would jump 
from one rock to another 
over a muddy swampy area
and being the ever supportive Mama that I am
...i asked him to wait while I reached for my flip video camera
i did say he was being 100% Larson, right
this would need to be captured on camera
just when you think it's over...
it's not

*VIDEO... if you're reading on a subscription feed; make sure to click over to the blog to watch!

October 16, 2011

Sunday's Songbird ... You Really Got a hold On Me

Revival of Sunday's Songbird. 
Pathetic choice, I know, but it's what I'm feeling these days.
I love She and Him.
I love Zooey Deschanel.
I love this song.
So, I'll accept the pathetic-ness that is me right now.
I'll even sing at the top of my lungs,
and dance all over my bedroom
fully submerged in the pathetic-ness.
Atleast I accept it, right?
Join me, wont you...

You Really Got a Hold On Me ~She and Him
I don't like you, but I love you
Seems that I'm always a thinkin' of you
Oh oh oh...
You treat me badly
I love you madly
You really got a hold on me
(Really got a hold on me)
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)

I don't want you
But I need you
Don't wanna kiss you
But I need to
Oh oh oh
You do me wrong now
My love is strong now
You really got a hold on me
(Really got a hold on me)
You really got a hold me
(You really got a hold me)

I love you
and all I want you to do
is just hold me
hold me hold me hold me...

I wanna leave you
Don't wanna stay here
I don't wanna spend another day here
Oh oh oh oh
You do me wrong now
My love is strong now
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)

I said you really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold)
I love you
and all I want you to do
is just hold me
hold me hold me hold me...

Hold me... [x11]

October 13, 2011

When Husbands Leave

It rained on our wedding day.
It rained on our 10 year anniversary and vow renewal.
It's raining today.
The rain is special to us. 
I love the rain.
But today, 
the rain brings nothing but tears.

It's been almost two weeks since he walked out on us. 

Like right out of a movie or something. 
Owen and Larson were already asleep.
They conked out early.
Me and Rylan were snuggling on the couch watching some show together.
Nick was upstairs unpacking the bathroom.

Or so I thought.

Rylan went upstairs to use the bathroom at 10-ish? 
Maybe 11-ish? 
It's a blur. 
Where's Dad?
He's not up there?
I got up to look around. 
This house has 4 levels. 
Boxes everywhere.
Nick falls asleep easily.
Searched every inch of this house.
Three times.
Over and Over.
Assumed he passed out somewhere.
He HAD to be here.
My anxiety becoming more and more aggressive.
My heart pounding faster and faster.
The acid in my stomach moving up to my throat.
I found the toilet.
But never did find him.
He walked out.
No word.
No note.
No clue.
Just a snapshot in my memory.
In slow motion it flooded my brain.
On the couch with Rylan.
Looked over to see him walking down the stairs with a box.
Not unusual
He was unpacking afterall.
Did he walk back up the stairs?
Bloody hell, did he walk back up the stairs?
The memory wont come back.
No matter how hard I plead.
The memory wont come back.
Probably because there was nothing to remember.
He never did walk back up those stairs. 
He left.
Just walked out 
and never looked back.

Who does that?!

I was fine. 
The first week and a half I was fine. 
Hurt? yes. 
Betrayed? yes. 
Angry? yes. 
But I was getting a long fine. 
I know that now.
And then like a ninja in the night...
the grief hit. 
It didn't hit hard and fierce. 
Instead it's creeping in slowly. 
Carefully and methodically suffocating me. 
I can't breathe. 
I need to be held.
His are the only arms I want.
I hate that.
And I hate the fucking rain today!

October 12, 2011

Abandonment or Cannibalism

The female mantis will sometimes eat the male after mating
Maybe she's on to something
It was a bittersweet day
Obviously life doesn't just come to a halt when he's gone
The sun rises
And then it sets
Over and over this happens
Regardless of if we want it to
It just happens
And we can either throw the blankets over our heads
Refusing to be a part of it
Blissful to an extent
Or we can touch feet to carpet
Feel the pain
Swallow the pit down deep
And open our minds to the possibility that each new sun rise brings
A park picnic
A ritual we used to share as a family
Is now being had in spite of said family's broken pieces
Not whole
We march on
Throw down our tapestry
Point our faces to the sun
And smile
Mostly genuine
A little forced
A few choked back tears
What was once 5 strong
Is now just 4
The sun will come up again tomorrow
Until it gets easier
Or maybe
Rewind the clock back 8 years
And eat him after Owen was conceived
Erase the misery
Embrace the freedom
Hats off to you, Mantis
Hats off

October 10, 2011

Tatum Loves Corn

and she eats it much like her corn lovin' mama 
or any other most other corn eating humans, I suppose
using just her front teeth
back and forth along the cob
picking out the kernels
careful not to bite the core
she's freakin' hilarious!

October 9, 2011

2yr Dreadiversary VLOG

It's been two years since I started this whole Dreaded Journey. It's been good and bad; up and down, and I wouldn't change a thing. I love the journey!

This video was so spontaneous and impromptu, and my camera man was continually gesturing to me that the battery light was blinking red and going to die "any second now", (thanks Larson, thanks a bunch ;-)) so I felt extremely rushed and flustered. As such, there was a bunch of stuff I forgot to mention in the video. Sooo, the whole point of a vlog (not having to write/read a post) ... yea, gonna have to do it anyway - lol. I think I'll do bullet points ...

  • it's not really going to be snowing next week (I hope!) ... but it's coming soon. I'm dramatic, lol.
  • yea, you couldn't see any of the loose stuff. lol. The photos down below show the fuzz much better, but they still don't do the loose-ness justice. I'll get another vlog up really soon to show how out of control the loose rebel hairs are, lol. Not that I don't love the look of the rebel hair (I LOVE 'em), but as I mentioned in the video, they're making it really difficult to keep the dreads separate. What I forgot to mention in the video, and one of the reasons I get so frustrated with my dreads (which eventually leads to my desire to chop em off) is that the dreaded roots are coming in SO thin. There are so many loose hairs that aren't meshing with already formed dreads; it's making the new dread growth super thin. So I have thick-ish dreads on the bottom, and as you move up the dread it gets thinner and thinner. I feel like I'm rambling and not making sense? lol. If you don't have, or have never experience dreads, I'm probably NOT making sense, am I? :-/   I've read that in time they will even themselves out, but I think I need a little crocheted maintenance to help them along. 
  • i seriously just said 6 to 12 hours isn't too bad for hair drying, didn't I? What was I smoking? lol. That's A LONG time to sit with a wet head. If I wash them at night, they're still damp when I wake the next morning. 
  • after the dr bronners soap bar, I thoroughly rinse with water before spritzing the vinegar/oil mixture on my hair. For those that think it's weird to rub a bar of soap over your head as shampoo (I know there are a few of you!) I've tried the liquid bronners, but it just doesn't work for me. Works for a lot of dreadheads, I guess, but not me. My hair feels so thick, and sticky, and greasy no matter how long I rinse it. No Likey. No  Thanks.
  • the bottle I use is a bottle that was given to me in the hospital after Rylan was born ... it's a squeeze bottle meant to squirt water and keep your newly stretched/torn/swollen downstairs area comfortable while peeing. Yea, you know what I'm talking about. lol. Works perfectly for my vinegar/oil rinse! I fill and use the entire bottle each time I wash. 
  • a mad hair? yep, totally meant wild hair. same thing, right? lol
  • on teaching me... Camera man's "tick tock/tick tock" motions were really distracting me, so I totally lost my train of thought, and missed most of what I intended to share on what my dreads have given me. They are teaching me SO much. Yes, in all the ways I mentioned on the video, but so much more. Personal obstacles have been kicked over. They've given me ME. They've released me from the layers of guilt, doubt, and fear that were holding me back. They've helped me step into the person that I've always been, but was too afraid/doubtful/fearful/shy to fully live. They've opened me up. By showing me they're not afraid to be different. Wild. Carefree. Born to stand out. They're me, and I'm them. 
  • maintenance. Other then the wetness, the thinness plays a part here too. Because the upper parts of my dreads are so thin, I have to mess with them in order to get them looking fuller in the back. Otherwise they look so flat, piecey, and baldish in some areas. Not attractive. And it can sometimes take a while to fluff them out. I don't like taking much time to mess with my hair, so I often get impatient and just pull them up instead. 
  • gotta love greetings by random dogs, lol. He looks like Tatums brother, right? And when he turned, I totally thought he was going to pee on me (yes, I've been peed on by a random dog before! lol)
  • here's the link to see all my dready posts over the years 
  • i love, love, love seeing dread-heads with gorgeous beads and colorful hemp strings etc in their hair ... so I keep trying with mine. I don't know what it is, but they don't do it for me yet. 
  • yes, I'm always super expressive with my hands! lol
  • and apparently "totally" is totally my favorite word, right?!

October 8, 2011

Apples, and Pumpkins, and Boys ... oh my

Took the crew out apple pickin' and pumpkin field scourin' today. 
Eddie, Julie, and Jayden stayed the night at our house.
Met up with Nikkie and Brad this afternoon to drive up to the farm. 
Outnumbered by boys again.
Good thing I like boys.
Such a gorgeous day.
In the 80's.
Ahhh, how I love the 80's!
Warm weather and the beautiful colors of changing leaves. 
Doesn't get much better.
Except maybe if my husband were there.
And Jenny and Jamie.
Missed them.
One day I'll drag us all together, 
at the same time! lol.