Light as a Lawnmower

Posted by meli on Friday, October 21, 2011 in cleansing, family, marriage, mental heath, military/retirement | 1 comment

It's been a beautiful day. The sun is shining. The weather is tolerable. We went on a walk to the gas station (had to get more gas for the lawnmower) because we just couldn't waste this gorgeous day in a car.

And then; out of nowhere; I snapped ...

It's about to get really bitchy and curse filled up in here; I'm mad as shit right now! And I curse when I'm mad! Alot! I'm on the verge of a break down, and I'd rather explode all over this blog (yea, don't care if it offends certain readers); then explode at my kids, or my pets, or the fucking lawnmower that is seriously going to get a metal bat slung in her face over and over AND OVER!

I hate this lawnmower!!!

Total projection ... It's my bastard of a husband; estranged husband? soon to be ex husband? dead husband? You know, he might be, I have no idea. He's made sure to make it look to me and the kids as though he basically fell off the face of the earth. Anyway, it's him that I am SO fucking mad at. I knew it would be something little that tipped the scale to my complete breakdown; the feather that broke the camels back so to speak... and my inability to start this fucking broken piece of shit lawnmower did it! Why can't I get the thing started? WHY! I'm smart. I'm strong. I'm capable. What the hell is wrong with me that I can't start a damn mower?! SHIT!

Ahh, yes, back to the culprit. A man who walked out on his family. On HIS KIDS! One who is getting ready to celebrate his 13th birthday, and every time he thinks about the impending day, he starts to cry. The poor sweet kid can't even get excited about turning 13, because the only thing he can think about is how this will be the second birthday in a row that his Dad couldn't bother to show up for. He's already trying to prepare himself for the fact that his Dad also probably won't call, because, let's face it ... he wont. Doing so might bring him guilt, and frustration, and sadness, and anger ... and please, he needs to spare himself such feelings! He comes first. Protect himself first. Always. We haven't heard from him up until this point; there's really no reason to think that a huge day for his son will actually bring him out of hiding ... or wherever the hell he is. And actually, him calling on just that day will probably be so much harder on the 4 of us anyway. It'll scratch and poke at already sensitive gapping wounds. We'll all sit around and contemplate what that one and only phone call means. Will there be more. Does he still love us. Are we going to see him. When. On and on it will go. It's hard. And not fair. So as much as Larson wants to be near him... if he can't make contact with us PRIOR to the big day; then I hope we don't hear from him at all. Larson has already asked that if we don't hear from Nick on his birthday, if it would be ok for him to call the hospital to talk to his dad. I wont stop the kids from contacting him (or trying to). I'm afraid, though, that Nick isn't there, and Larson is going to be so much more heartbroken and worried once he learns that. Right now, we don't know where the hell he is, or what he's doing. The kids have an idea that he's at the VA. Safe. Getting help (like Nick can actually be helped in a system that makes it ok to run away from problems; advocates for it, even). Once Larson tries to make contact and learns that Nick isn't there (or has already left) ... what then? Worry and fear. Further abandonment and confusion. That's not fair!!! So then I think I hope we do hear from him, even if it does bring us more questions, confusion, and pain ... it's the lesser of the two monopolizing evils, isn't it? It breaks my heart to watch my children cope with this loss. They all love their Dad so so much. And Larson wants nothing more then for his Dad to be part of this HUGE milestone birthday for him. I don't know what to say or do to help him navigate through this. Any of us for that matter. Atleast last year we knew Nick was still alive, right? But actually, I don't know if that makes it easier or more difficult? The jury is still out.

Denial is gone. (I think... unless I'm in denial about that, too. Probably am).
Grief comes and goes.
Anger is here visiting at the moment.
I may not be going through the steps in order; but hell... I've never been one to follow the conventional path anyway; screw order!

And screw Nick!

• My washing machine was broken in the move, and I don't want to deal with a repair man, so I keep putting it off.
• My landlord (owner of the house AND a realtor herself) is a lying loon. Her house is falling apart; and she wont fix it. Never mind the fact that no doors in the house lock. I've since fixed the locking issues (mostly) ... but I'm still freaked the fuck out every . single . night . in this house alone. 
• I have no idea if the VA disability rating has come back yet ... by which giving my kids (and me; for the time remaining in our marriage) health insurance plus extra income that we banked on when renting this house.
• And I also have no idea if or when he will redirect all money out of my account and into his ... so I'm feeling super stable on the financial... being able to house and feed my children... front.

SO MAD! Just doesn't capture the feelings I have. Probably because anger is usually a mask for pain and hurt. And If we're stripping the anger defense, and being bare bones honest here, I am so very hurt. Completely and utterly heart broken. I feel used. I feel taken advantage of. I feel like 13 years of my blood, sweat, and tears meant nothing to him. I feel as though I meant absolutely nothing to him. He got what he needed from me (my knowledge and tireless determination to get us him out of the military honorably and financially set; if he were left to do it on his own, he would have gotten his ass kicked out with nothing) and then threw me away. And our children. Our sweet sweet children, who just want to be near him, were they just the collateral damage? Did they  mean anything to him? My heart is breaking for me. It's breaking so very much more for them. I can't stop crying now. Great!

Back to grief? Goddammit!

I think the cleanse I'm doing is releasing toxins (which is pretty much the point, right) ... because I feel it. I feel weak and tired, cold, heavy, kind of flu-ish ... and my emotions are all . over . the . place!  I go through some pretty hard core emotional detox while I'm cleansing. That's probably it. That's probably why a stupid stupid STUPID lawnmower sent me over the edge. God, I hate that mower!!

I hear it!! I think Larson got it started!
Oh holy crap ... I love that kid!!!