When Husbands Leave

Posted by meli on Thursday, October 13, 2011 in marriage, mental heath, military/retirement | 2 comments

It rained on our wedding day.

It rained on our 10 year anniversary and vow renewal.

It's raining today.

The rain is special to us. 

I love the rain.

But today, 

the rain brings nothing but tears.

It's been almost two weeks since he walked out on us. 

Like right out of a movie or something. 

Owen and Larson were already asleep.

They conked out early.

Me and Rylan were snuggling on the couch watching some show together.

Nick was upstairs unpacking the bathroom.

Or so I thought.

Rylan went upstairs to use the bathroom at 10-ish? 

Maybe 11-ish? 

It's a blur. 

Where's Dad?

He's not up there?

Nope. 

I got up to look around. 

This house has 4 levels. 

Boxes everywhere.

Nick falls asleep easily.

Anywhere.

Searched every inch of this house.

Three times.

Over and Over.

Assumed he passed out somewhere.

He HAD to be here.

Right?

My anxiety becoming more and more aggressive.

My heart pounding faster and faster.

The acid in my stomach moving up to my throat.

I found the toilet.

But never did find him.

He walked out.

No word.

No note.

No clue.

Just a snapshot in my memory.

In slow motion it flooded my brain.

Me.

On the couch with Rylan.

Looked over to see him walking down the stairs with a box.

Not unusual

He was unpacking afterall.

Did he walk back up the stairs?

Bloody hell, did he walk back up the stairs?

The memory wont come back.

No matter how hard I plead.

The memory wont come back.

Probably because there was nothing to remember.

He never did walk back up those stairs. 

He left.

Just walked out 

and never looked back.

Who does that?!

I was fine. 

The first week and a half I was fine. 

Hurt? yes. 

Betrayed? yes. 

Angry? yes. 

But I was getting a long fine. 

Denial. 

I know that now.

And then like a ninja in the night...

the grief hit. 

It didn't hit hard and fierce. 

Instead it's creeping in slowly. 

Carefully and methodically suffocating me. 

I can't breathe. 

I need to be held.

His are the only arms I want.

I hate that.

And I hate the fucking rain today!