October 21, 2009

Here Comes the Sun...

Da Da Da Da...
Love that song!
Sitting outside enjoying the warm warm sunshine today. It's been pretty crisp and chilly as fall approaches ... I am happy for these spontaneous days of warmth. Listening to the kids laugh while they build a city out of dirt. Catching whiffs of my dreads drying the sun (they smell like patchouli today). Watching my dog chase flies, and even she hasn't caught one yet; she refuses to give up the fight.

I feel peace today. A welcome change to my feelings of tension and stress.
I feel alive today. A welcome change to feeling so lost.
I feel happy today. A welcome change to my ever increasing depression and sadness.

It's not easy to express how unhappy I feel these days. Personal reasons. Family reasons. Societal reasons. Depression and Medication go together these days. It's just not "ok" to admit feelings of depression unless you you also admit plans to put yourself on antidepressants. Why isn't it ok to feel sad anymore? Why must we always be happy? Yes, I know happiness is wonderful. It's a feeling we should all strive for. But why such a stigma on sadness? Why does just having that emotion mean we're "throwing up red flags"? I mean, sure, there comes a point in the sadness cycle when if what you're doing just isn't working, you feel yourself getting worse, and so it might be a good idea to seek some alternative options in dealing with it. But, again, why such a stigma on just being sad, and wanting to just allow that emotion to run it's course?

I'm tired of being lectured on the "importance" of antidepressants when I feel sad and depressed. Tired.Of.It! I do get that most, if not all, of these lectures are out of love and care and worry for me. I get that, and I appreciate so much that I have people around me who care so much. But really, what I need to hear is that it's ok to feel sad. It's ok to feel depressed. It's ok to just be.

I do have a lot of wonderful things in my life. Wonderful doesn't even come close to describing what I have. I am blessed in ways I never dreamed possible.

I also have many crappy things in my life... as does everyone, I'm sure. The crappy things seem to be at the forefront, taking up the most energy and so they are influencing my soul more and more.

One of my last blog posts was about perspective, and I know that's all that is needed here... to shift the crappy from the forefront, place the energy somewhere else. I know I have the power to do that. I just haven't yet. It is a harder and harder feat to accomplish as the situations grow crappier and crappier. It takes a lot of inward reflecting and time to dig deep enough to find that pool of strength - time and time and time again, and that's where I am right now. Reflecting and digging. I'll soon dig deep enough, just haven't yet, and I want to think that's ok.

In the meantime... this afternoon, spent relaxing in the sun with my kids, has been perfect. Something of great treasure to hold onto in the darker hours.

October 20, 2009

He's eating my hair!

Meet Jackson, the terror who influenced my dream and ultimately woke me up this morning!

I had just spent a couple of hours surfing the waves off the California coast. I was getting ready to rinse my hair when suddenly I decided instead to smear my head with tuna oil. Why? Because I thought it would be soothing to my itchy and scratchy scalp ... which was becoming increasingly more itchy as the seconds drone on.

Woke up to find Jax noshing on my dreads! I mean, he was reeeally going to town!
(side note - I put a little tuna in their food last night ... make the connection now? lol)

October 17, 2009

An apple a day ...

ok, you know the rest of it! lol.
Of course, eating just one apple a day wont do much of anything for you if the rest of your food choices follow a standard american diet, but there is some truth laced in that old adage.

I am always surprised at how much I love apples. I often turn away from them, and instead grab something else. I'm not sure why, really. I just never see them as appetising, exciting, worth the time. That is until I'm backed into a corner, hungry as heck, and the only thing near me is an apple. I reluctantly give in, take a bite, and more often then not I say the exact same thing ... 'WHY don't I eat these more often"?!?

They're so good (usually, there are bad varieties out there - barf!) and so conveniently packaged, lol.

They contain both types of fiber, helps your heart AND your intestines at the same time. Woot! They are a great blood sugar stabilizer for both hypo-glycemia and diabetes (it makes me sad to know there are so many with blood sugar issues that shy away from fruit because of all the misinformation out there). They possess antibacterial, anti-inflammatory, astringent, diuretic, and tonic properties. They contain all 9 essential amino acids (amino acids are what build protein in the body). Plus all their other vitamin and mineral content, of course. Speaking of, did you know the more tart the apple, the higher the vit c content will be? Fun fact!

Apples are great ... go eat one, or two, or seven, and remember to leave the skin on!

October 9, 2009

It all boils down to Perspective!

Feeling much better after my 'bitchin' pity party last night.
No residual hangover or anything!
Sweet! lol

Sometimes it's necessary to just ... wallow. I don't want to have to hide that part of me out of fear, or guilt, or not wanting to look/seem like an inconsiderate, non compassionate, soul-less human being. I don't want to be labeled a complainer. I don't want pity from anyone else. And I don't want to seem ungrateful for all of the wonderful things that are in my life. A bad day that I might feel like wallowing in every once-in-awhile shouldn't impact how I'm seen, it shouldn't define my character... by anyone, myself included (ok, myself mostly!)

It is what it is ... a bad day.

Most bad days I can turn around and remain hopeful, remain optimistic, remain happy; but sometimes I just want to cry, and scream, and bitch, and moan, and well ... feel sorry for myself. I'm giving myself permission to do that without the side order of guilt I usually lay down.

I know my husband is sick, and he can't just turn that off so I am allowed a break. I know he would if he could ... and just knowing that is enough most days. I wont lie, though, sometimes it's not. As irrational as that is, and I know it is, sometimes it's not enough. But that's ok. It's ok if we're not happy and hopeful every second of every day. It's ok if we sometimes mourn days past... an easier time. As long as we're not dwelling on the past, or on what could have been, it's ok to be sad, or mad at the situation sometimes. The majority of our energy is spent being grateful for what we have, not focusing on what we've lost. So, every once in a while, on those really bad days, when you're just zapped of hope and positive feeling - it's ok to wallow!
And, it probably wont last long before perspective comes back to you ...

October 8, 2009

Bring on the Party...

... because I'm about to dish up a heaping serving of pity!

No, seriously, I really am. Nose deep in self pity mode at the moment, and I just don't feel like climbing out of it yet. I want to feel mad. I want to feel sad. I want to feel resentment, and hate, and burden, and every other negative feeling I can think of.

I don't want to feel guilty for wanting to complain. I don't want to "shut up and appreciate what I've got". Not right now, anyway. Right now I want to complain!

I want to cry, and never stop. Well, maybe that one isn't true. I've already been crying a great deal, and I have a massive headache to show for it. I hate headaches.
Ahh, there we go, more hatred!

I am in SUCH a bad mood... I'm sure you could tell.

About what? Well, about everything, in particular. How's that for sweeping generalizations? Ha!

About my husband. I'm just, I don't know... sick of it. So SO sick of it. I want a break. I want him to put his illnesses on hold and GIVE ME A BREAK! Some freedom. Some peace of mind. Some CALM! I know, I know, not possible... but goddammit, find a way and give it to me!!!

I just feel so... stuck with him. How shitty does that sound? See, right there, trying to make myself feel guilty for this bitch fest. I don't want that. I want to EMBRACE this bitch fest! For once I don't want to put a "hopeful" spin on this. I want to feel it for all it's darkness!

Honestly, I don't know if I stay with him out of love or out of fear. I just don't know anymore. It's probably some of both at this point, with no clear winner at any given moment.

It's hard to share this with people. Real, in the flesh people, I mean. They just don't see it. They're not exposed to the darker side. They see a man who is out at the park with his family, smiling, laughing, chasing the boys down the slide. They hear a social man who isn't shying away from conversations with them, but rather engaging in them. They see a man who loves his wife, and bends over backwards for her. And yes, while all of that is true, all of that is just a small small part of him now. It used to be all of him, and now it's just a fraction. A small fraction that I get to see every once in a while. So as much pain as I have inside of me, I hold back from in the flesh people. Fear and anxiety kick in. They aren't going to understand. They wont "get it". They'll see me as such a complainer, when really, it doesn't "seem" like I have much to complain about.

Rationally, I know these are all my own issues. My insecurities and anxiety. I hold back. Don't let anyone get too close. Don't want to feel like a bother or a burden. Don't want to be seen as, like I said, the complainer, fear of rejection, etc... it all holds me back. How can you complain about feeling so alone when you wont let anyone get close? Good question! I might not have reason to complain ... but I'm going to continue to do it anyway!

Speaking of in the flesh people, this sisterhood that I long for... I just don't see it happening any time soon. I don't have enough me to invest in one. I know I am a good friend. I know I am. But I haven't been one lately (and by lately, I mean yrs). I don't have the time or the commitment to give right now, and friends deserve nothing less.

Nick takes so much time, and energy, and planning. With kids to think about... I'm reluctant to make plans for fear I'm going to have to flake, and consistent flakiness does not a good friend make! I hate that flakiness has been used to describe me! Hate it!! It's not really possible for me to commit to much of anything, and when I do, I ended up feeling like a horrible friend, because I'll often have to cancel.

How is Nicks mood? Is he patient enough to stay with the kids tonight? Is he showing signs of his ptsd flaring? What about his sleepiness, how much time before the kids go to bed, does it seem as though he'll make it till then? How have the kid been today? Will their antics flare up Nicks anger?

The questions are endless. Even if everything lines up perfectly, and I feel confident in leaving him with the kids, there's always that fear. I know he can change in an instant. It doesn't matter what kind of signs he's showing (or not showing) before I leave, because as soon as I pull out of the driveway, they could vanish and be replaced by anger, and meanness, or a complete narcoleptic episode that the kids can't wake him from. And quite honestly, it often is. I often come home to learn there has been some big blow out over something or another, and then I feel an immense amount of guilt for putting any of them in that situation. It's becoming not even worth it anymore.

So where does that leave my friendships? Well, I don't know. Not very good, I'd say. It's seeming to be too much, really. A sisterhood someday, I hope... but I'm beginning to see why it hasn't worked yet. Let it go.

Why did this come about tonight...
My favorite band is in town tonight for a concert. A really dirt cheap concert, mind you, and I had SO been looking forward to this night for months. However, my inability to create many meaningful friendships equalled that even if I had felt confident in leaving the kids with Nick (which, now that it's here - it wouldn't have happened. He is passed out asleep, unable to wake himself for the 2 minutes it takes to listen to one of his children tell him something)... I didn't leave myself with anyone to go with. Spectacular lonely little life I've given myself.
Second helping of pity, please, with a side of cheese!

So, ok, why not get a sitter for the kids, and go to the concert with your husband? Sounds like a good solution, right?
Umm, yea, no thanks!!!
I'd like to do that about as much as I'd like to stick a cattle prod in my eye!
Nick can't handle crowds. He doesn't like tight places packed with people. His anxiety goes into over drive. He becomes super vigilant. His jaw becomes clenched, his temples vibrate, his eyes become darty, his hands ball up. Not a real fun energy to be around. It's miserable. He doesn't want to be like that. He wants to be in crowds and have a good time. He becomes intensely defensive if I mention to him that he seems tense, and we end up fighting. Just so not interested in that scene.

So, I miss out, again.
Feel trapped.
Resentment boils
And here I am ...
drove myself to the middle of Pity Town, USA!

Such is life.

*because I just can't stand it...
I am usually an optimistic, hopeful person.
This isn't normal for me, and it's certainly not normal for one of my blog post. I often start out complaining, but usually my hopeful nature kicks in, and I can see the bright side, the silver lining, the good. I know I could get myself there right now if I tried ... but I don't want to. I just want to wallow for a little while. Is that so wrong?

October 7, 2009

Lets Talk Swine Flu Vaccinations

After reading and seeing so much propaganda about the swine flu vaccination, I decided I needed to blog about it. The hype is ridiculous. The scare tactics being used are ridiculous. The idea that school children should receive FOUR inoculations this fall for the flu is ridiculous.

Did you know there was a BIG swine flu scare back in 1976? 60 minutes did a show on it because so many people fell ill. Know what the findings were? The vaccination was the cause, not the flu itself.

Here we are again, in the same boat. History has a way of repeating itself, doesn't it? Do your research, arm yourself with knowledge.

Ask yourself a very important question ... Why are medical professionals and virologists (those who study these viruses) so adamant that they do not plan to immunize themselves or family members?

I mean, really, can it be any more clear?

If that isn't enough to get you thinking, how about this one... Is the vaccine even safe?
~The FDA has authorized an expedited approval process for the swine flu vaccine but we don't know yet if it is safe. Even GlaxoSmithKline, one of the vaccine manufacturers has said, "The total population studied in clinical trials will be limited, due to the need to provide the vaccine to governments as quickly as possible. Additional studies will therefore be required and conducted after the vaccine is made available."

Oh, wait, wait ... here's another little tid bit you might like to know:
Big Pharma has been granted immunity from all lawsuits, such as those that resulted from the 1970s swine flu vaccine. You simply have no recourse if you suffer a severe reaction, or even death, caused by complications from the vaccine (a vaccine that was rushed into production and not properly tested, remember). They're free and clear... safe. Does that make YOU feel safe?

A small article by Dr Lipman ... worth checking out.

Do your research!!!

October 6, 2009

Dread-tastic; Leave Them ALONE ...

What a concept. Leave them alone. It's simple, it's clear, it's direct. Leave them alone. It's perfect!

Granted, I am only on day 4 this time, but wow, what a difference a simple action (or non action, really) has ... leave them alone!

I haven't done a thing with my dreads since starting them again, and they're looking and feeling so much better then they were the first go 'round. Haven't checked to see if they're eating each other, so I could immediately separate them. I plan to only do that after each washing (separating and palm rolling). I haven't fussed with the pieces that seem to be getting more loose, or the stray hairs that have found their way free ... no backcombing and crocheting maintenance every.single.day. And absolutely NO WAX this time... a rule I started off following the first time, until obsession and desperation lead me straight to the sticky product. Yelch! I've found that I actually really LOVE the messy, fuzzy, unkempt look that the wax was keeping at bay. LOVE IT!

Can I tell you just how much happier I am this time. More free. More natural. More ME. What could be better?! :-)

(all photos are from Day 2)

October 3, 2009

Revival of the Dreads

and this time I am determined to keep the crazy down to a minimum, lol.
(click here to see more of my Dreadie Journey photos)

They did take an ubber long time to create, and there has already some drama with the process...

Nick wanted to help me, so I told him he could. He's a Virgo... anal perfectionist to the core (on some things).

The sectioning of my hair took such a long time. 4 days the first time (yes, I said FOUR DAYS), before he realized he didn't like the way it was turning out (the sections were really uneven, and he curved upward the entire way up my head). At that point I really wanted to wash my hair again, so I took all of the bands out, and he started again the next day.
The second time it took only 2 days to section ... wow, right? lol. He was pretty happy with himself, proud of the grid work he put down, so yay - good for him.
He counted the sections, and there were exactly 60. Sounded good. I wanted absolutely no less then 60, and hoped for no more then 75-80 or so. 60 would work. The dreading began. Took 2 days to finish. When he was almost done, I asked him to count again, because it just didn't seem right. The dreads seemed thicker, the sectios seemed way big, leaving big gaps. He counted again, and there were only 50! Ugh! All of his anal perfectionism couldn't be put toward a recount BEFORE dreading, right? Or perhaps measuring inch sized boxes, instead of inch and a half sized ones, right? That man!

He felt really really bad. I was trying hard to be optimistic. Maybe it would work. Sure, it looked like crap at the moment, but in time perhaps the size and amount would be perfect for me.
I decided to sleep on it, see how I felt in the morning.
Morning came, and I felt worse. Thicker dreads just wasn't what what I envisioned for me, and I really didn't like the huge gaps of scalp that you could see - lol. I knew it would continue to bug me, daily, until I was an obsessive lunatic again... so I made the decision to pick those dreads apart so we could get it right.

Nick went back to work sectioning my hair.
It took almost 21 hours for him to section, and then 2 nights to dread. We finished early this morning, and I love it!!
I left the front undreaded, so there are 64 dreads (though if I ever decide to dread up these front pieces, there will be 70 total).
When they lock up and fill out, I think they're going to be the perfect thickness for me. They're all scratchy and awkward looking right now, but I love em!