October 21, 2009

Here Comes the Sun...

Posted by meli on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 | No comments
Da Da Da Da...
Love that song!
Sitting outside enjoying the warm warm sunshine today. It's been pretty crisp and chilly as fall approaches ... I am happy for these spontaneous days of warmth. Listening to the kids laugh while they build a city out of dirt. Catching whiffs of my dreads drying the sun (they smell like patchouli today). Watching my dog chase flies, and even she hasn't caught one yet; she refuses to give up the fight.

I feel peace today. A welcome change to my feelings of tension and stress.
I feel alive today. A welcome change to feeling so lost.
I feel happy today. A welcome change to my ever increasing depression and sadness.

It's not easy to express how unhappy I feel these days. Personal reasons. Family reasons. Societal reasons. Depression and Medication go together these days. It's just not "ok" to admit feelings of depression unless you you also admit plans to put yourself on antidepressants. Why isn't it ok to feel sad anymore? Why must we always be happy? Yes, I know happiness is wonderful. It's a feeling we should all strive for. But why such a stigma on sadness? Why does just having that emotion mean we're "throwing up red flags"? I mean, sure, there comes a point in the sadness cycle when if what you're doing just isn't working, you feel yourself getting worse, and so it might be a good idea to seek some alternative options in dealing with it. But, again, why such a stigma on just being sad, and wanting to just allow that emotion to run it's course?

I'm tired of being lectured on the "importance" of antidepressants when I feel sad and depressed. Tired.Of.It! I do get that most, if not all, of these lectures are out of love and care and worry for me. I get that, and I appreciate so much that I have people around me who care so much. But really, what I need to hear is that it's ok to feel sad. It's ok to feel depressed. It's ok to just be.

I do have a lot of wonderful things in my life. Wonderful doesn't even come close to describing what I have. I am blessed in ways I never dreamed possible.

I also have many crappy things in my life... as does everyone, I'm sure. The crappy things seem to be at the forefront, taking up the most energy and so they are influencing my soul more and more.

One of my last blog posts was about perspective, and I know that's all that is needed here... to shift the crappy from the forefront, place the energy somewhere else. I know I have the power to do that. I just haven't yet. It is a harder and harder feat to accomplish as the situations grow crappier and crappier. It takes a lot of inward reflecting and time to dig deep enough to find that pool of strength - time and time and time again, and that's where I am right now. Reflecting and digging. I'll soon dig deep enough, just haven't yet, and I want to think that's ok.

In the meantime... this afternoon, spent relaxing in the sun with my kids, has been perfect. Something of great treasure to hold onto in the darker hours.


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