We all know there is a fundamental flaw in the way a lot of us think; in the way a lot of us live our lives. So giving of ourselves to everyone around us, and saving nothing left to nurture ourselves with.
Thoughts like ...
It's selfish to take care of myself over others.
It's selfish to take care of myself, period.
My place is permanently on "back-burning" status because I'm a mother.
Because I'm a wife. A daughter. A really good friend. A ...
It's my job to take care of everyone around me.
Sure, I'd like to fit some "me" time in there, but there's not enough hours in the day for that.
I'm so drained taking care of everyone else, I don't have any energy left to take care of myself, too.
I don't have any patience left.
I don't have any money left.
I don't have any (fill in the black) left.
Fundamentally flawed. In order to give to others (in a positive, healthy, and meaningful way), you have to have something to give, right? If you are only giving, giving, giving ... how long until you are completely empty? Sure sleep gives some reprive, but eventually the overextension will catch up to you, and then where will you be? Where will all who have come to depend on you be? You can't possibly be the best person you can be to every other being in your life if you are not taking care of YOU! Your cup needs to be filled, too. Fill the bitch up, and see how much more of you there is to then give to others.
We know that part already. I'm here to talk about something else ... I just take a long time to get there. Haa!
There is a caveat with filling your cup.
It often times involves letting other people into your world.
Asking for, enlisting, and accepting help from those around you, which can offer up a whole slew of obstacles altogether. I don't have the time, nor do I have the attention span right now to get into all of them ... so I'm just going to focus on one that has been playing out for me personally as of late (and on repeat throughout my life).
Obligation.
For a long time I let obligation affect my world so greatly that I took myself out of the game. I was
twice,
thrice, 15 billion fold removed from the asking for/accepting help department - from anyone! I'd offer help like it was going out of style, but when help was offered, I'd politely decline. "I've got it". "No thanks, I can handle it". "Ooh, I really appreciate that, but we'll be fine". You know, standard protocol. I lived like that for a really long time. Hell, who am I kidding ... I STILL live like that far more often then I care to admit (though, I kind of just did, eh?). It's lonely. And depressing. And suffocating. And overwhelming. And draining. And did I mention lonely?
What's the alternative?
Is asking for and/or accepting help from someone really as simple as it sounds? Or does it create this unwritten, steel bound contract that says the receiver of accepted help will owe giver of said help ... any time, any place, for any reason.
Obligation.
But that isn't really in the spirit of offering and accepting help, is it? Unfortunately, all too often, obligation plays a huge role in the "help" department. The sense of obligation is much more likely to come about in the
mind of the "receiver", rather then in demands from the "giver" ... but it's just as deafening.
The person receiving the help can feel as though they are now at the help givers beckon call. The giver may call upon receiver for a "payout" that doesn't necessarily jive with the way the receiver lives their lives ... "
will you just tell this one lie for me to get me out of xyz" ... and the receiver may struggle. Struggle between their personal moral code, and that of feeling like they "have" to because they owe it to the giver, or because they don't want to seem ungrateful or rude.
I let myself fall into the later category recently, and the struggle I went through deciding whether or not I was going to help my previous giver out was nothing compared to the struggle I went through (and am still working through) since making the decision to compromise who I am, at my core, in order to make someone else happy. It was a small lie, as far as lies go ... but I fucking hate lying. I hate being lied to. I hate feeling betrayed. And I hate, hate, hate possibly triggering that feeling in someone else. I am disappointed in myself. I made a mistake, but I'm working through it. I openly outed myself to this other person and I apologized. Now I'll learn and grow from it.
Lies destroy.
And karma has a way of kicking my ass while opening my eyes.
I told a lie for someone that I felt obligated to help. The person I was helping then lied to me. The stakes were much higher in this lie; our relationship is forever tarnished because of it. And with the revelation of that lie came the confrontation of others. Few of which I already knew but chose to ignore "for now", some of which I suspected but didn't pursue finding truth to, and others which came out of left field and sucker punched me. All from people I dearly love and had trusted with the most important pieces of my life. It hurts. Fuck does it hurt. Karma. She gets me every time. Rightfully so.
Obligation can be an ugly parasite feeding off of the help you give and or receive. Infecting and tainting everything it touches. Get it out of there! Surround yourself with inspiring, uplifting people who love and respect you. Offer yourself with no strings attached, and then have the confidence and faith that others are doing the same for you. It really can be just that simple. No need to spin crazy little stories of guilt and fear up in that head of yours. Just trust. Sure, there will be hiccups and exceptions along the way. Trust. Trust the fact that they are the exceptions and not the rule.
As I walk this path of self discovery, nurturing my self love and confidence, I'm finding it easier to put myself in a position of asking for and/or accepting help; and I'm finding it easier to not retreat quite so far, so fast, and for so long when I feel I've been burned. I'm not very good at it, as the story I described above would indicate, but even though that experience put me three steps back on the board, I'll continue rolling the dice and plugging along. Life is a constant course of learning from and challenging ourselves and each other. I don't think I'll ever "be there". I don't think such place even exists. The ride, the journey ... that's where it's at, and that's where you'll find me clumsily strolling along.
