June 29, 2012

when the darkness stretches on

Posted by meli on Friday, June 29, 2012 in , | No comments

Night is hard. Day time has not been a walk in the park, and I often find myself lost in thought and/or hyperventilating, but it seems easier to find a distraction during the day. Nothing that will hold my attention too terribly long, but there is always something going on that can and will snap me back to the present.

At night there's just an eery silence; darkness is deafening. And when I can't sleep, and these stretches of void drag on, and on, and on, and on ... it's hard. Night is hard.

I'm watching a lot of movies. Well, actually, that's not entirely accurate. I'm not really *watching* movies ... I'm listening to the DVD commentary of the movie while it's playing. And I think the reason behind that is for the company. And the conversation. How pathetic do I sound right now? I'm listening to DVD movie commentary for the conversation and company. Think I'm almost ready for my straight jacket. But it's true. It's the best night time company I can find right now, and if it helps blanket the dark loneliness, dammit ... I'll take it. Brilliant idea adding commentary to movies, you movie makers, simply brilliant. And I thank you!

I used to clean, but living in an RV my space is tiny. It didn't take long to clean and organize every last item in this place. I felt accomplished for approximately 30 seconds before the sinking feeling set back in.

I've tried reading, but I can't focus on the words. My mind wanders. I'll pick up a book and 3 hours later realize I'm on the same page. Stuck. Not getting anywhere. Perhaps I just need a really, really, REALLY good story line that hooks me immediately. Any recommendations?

I write, but it usually ends up depressing me more. Tears, tears, and more tears until it feels like daggers are ripping apart my stomach and I want to puke. I've found that that feeling doesn't so much help pass the hours.

I draw, but he used to do that; so it's ... painful.

I've thought about taking up drinking; suppose it's a good thing I'm broke as shit and can't afford liquor.

What do you do to help pass the night?


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