February 28, 2010

Funk, Funk, Funk

I've been in such a funk lately.
My anxiety and depression weighing heavily on my heart and soul.
It can be so difficult; trying to live each day fully; when there is such a dark cloud hovering over head.
The waiting for that dark cloud to explode and destroy me is absolutely robbing me of my life. My freedom.
I feel chained to that cloud.
I know I have complete control over this. I know I do. Yet at times, I feel as though I don't.
Like I am stuggling against an unseen force.
A force hell bent on seeing me squirm. Seeing me suffer. Seeing me give up.
And then I realize ... that unseen force is me.
I'm struggling against and with myself.
Pushing myself.
Testing myself.
Waiting for me to give up and fail so I can say "see, told ya you were weak. Told ya you couldn't make it".
Realizing, again, that no matter what obstacle gets thrown in my path,
I am now and always have been my worst enemy.
I'm the one standing in the way of what I want. Of course I am.
I've always believed that. Always known that.
It's just finally to a point where it has eaten away enough of me that I'm raw and exposed now.
I know I've learned this lesson before, but apparently it's one I need to learn again...

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February 20, 2010

The Masses are Multiplying

I should have waited another day before publishing my second to last blog post, No Clinical Significance, because whaddya know ... the masses are multiplying.

They found yet another mass; this time in one of his testicles. He's been having pain for a few months, finally talked to his Dr about it (through my powers of persuasion), and there it was. All mass-ey (yes, it's a word!) and intrusive.

WTH is going on?!
A full body scan is now in the works. Umm, yea, ya think?!

Lets hope this is all caused by the thyroid issue (whatever the *issue* is...)
The thyroid is responsible for a lot of hormones in your body. If it's out of whack, it's entirely plausible that that would be the cause of all these masses. In which case... they wouldn't be harmful, and once the thyroid was put back in check, they'd clear up.

Hope, Hope, Hope! :-)

February 19, 2010

Formspring Me! Go on, do it!

Anything you've been dying to know about me?
Ask away, my lovellies, I'll try to answer as many as I can. When I'm not, you know, busy being Mommy :-)
Hopefully some of the questions will provoke new blog post entries.


February 18, 2010

No Clinical Significance

The concerns surrounding my husbands health continue to widen, for me anyway.

He was unable to make his biopsy appt last week, so that is already being rescheduled. Which still leaves us unsure whether or not there is cancer on his thyroid.

There was also a mass in his spine that was discovered around the same time as the thyroid. Based on further scans, drs came to the conclusion that it was nothing to worry about. I felt relief, immediate and calming relief... but at the same time, how do they know? Just by looking at a picture, how can you really know that it's nothing to worry about?

Just recently another mass was found... this time in his brain. Based on just the one scan, the Dr concluded that it was of "no clinical significance".

I don't know. My trust in Drs, and western medicine as a whole, is non existant. So I have less of an open mind then I would like to have regarding the subject. But honestly, how can a mass be growing in your brain and be of no clinical significance? It just doesn't register with me. I can't put the words "brain mass" in the same sentence with the phrase "not clinically significant". It just doesn't compute. An oxymoron of sorts.

Perhaps masses growing all over your inner organs are extremely common. Perhaps my body is covered in them, but since I don't go around having myself scanned, I'm just not aware of them. Perhaps these drs know what they're talking about.

I don't know. It's possible. I'm just not convinced.
So, please, spare a few prayers, thoughts, good wishes, healing vibes, and hope for my husband :-)

February 17, 2010

Hit the Road!

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do then by the ones you did do.

So throw off the bow lines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sail.

Explore. Dream. Discover.
~Mark Twain

You've all been waited with bated breath to hear a whisper of our plans, right?
Ok, you probably have lives to lead and have since forgotten, but your interest is at least peaked again, right?

There are many dreams that we have shifted to the fore front. Putting focus on. Spinning and churning for ways to turn them into reality. The biggest has to be what the photo above depicts. Can anyone make it out?

Think about it a while.

There isn't much that I am going to miss about military life. Not much at all! There is one thing, though. One thing that would tug at my heart every time I thought about it. So many people in the military complain about this one little thing that I'll miss dearly. So many people getting ready to get out of the military rejoice in the fact they will no longer have to endure it.

The constant moving.

The desire to settle down somewhere, plant some roots, own a home ... it's just not appealing to neither Nick nor I. We've owned a house in the past. We didn't do it to put down roots and settle, we were knee deep in military life, with no end in sight, how settled could we possible get. We bought the house simply to save money. We paid much less for our mortgage payment each month then we would have had to shell out in rent each month for a similar place. It was a good idea at the time. But, it didn't end well (military was moving us, but the market was too slow and sketchy to sell, so we rented it out when we left. made a very bad decision going with the management company that we did, and in the end the house ended up being foreclosed. that's the jist). We really came to love that house. Together, Nick and I did so much work to the house. We had no idea what we were doing. As much as he wishes he were, Nick isn't very handy, and I've never been exposed to such things, so we were literally learning each step of the way. That made it all the more fun. So many memories wrapped up in that house. And then it was gone, with nothing but long term bad credit to show for it. It was a painful situation. One I don't ever want to find myself in the middle of again. I don't like saying never, but I don't see myself owning another home. I don't have the desire to, honestly. Of course, things change, but that's how I feel right now. Nick does as well. I could see possibly owning land one day, and building some little tiny cottage or yurt on it... so I guess I would technically "own a home" ... but don't get technical with me! lol.

I'm a born tumbleweed. Always moving. I get restless being in one spot for too long. There is a great big world out there, and I want to explore and play in every crevice of it.

I've always had the travel bug, though I pushed it to the back, like a lot of people, and was resigned to the fact that it was a 'retirement dream". After our kids are grown and gone, and after we're done working the majority of our lives away, then and only then will we travel. We'll see the world. We'll be free.

But... why wait? Why put off for tomorrow what we can do today?
I don't want my kids to be grown and gone. I want to experience this WITH them.
I don't want to work our lives away, making money to support an existence that isn't our dream, our goal.

What's the point of that?

Family is what is important to us. Experiencing life together. Not big houses, or new cars. Not fancy clothes (I admit, I do love clothes, but I'm happier thrifting for them!) or designer shoes. We couldn't care less about status. We're not interested in "keeping up with the jones'". Saving up and getting ahead is not something that we strive for. I mean, have a little savings is smart, but putting away big chunks of money for some far off "retirement" is just not of interest.

Carpe Diem... Cease the Day

We're taking hold of our lives and setting out to get as much out of them as we possibly can. Again, why put off for tomorrow what you can do today? We want to travel, well by gosh, we're going to do it! Not in 40 years... NOW! Ok, technically (there's that word again!) not now, we're still in the military, but once they set us loose, we're setting ourselves loose! Loose and free!

Details are being ironed out, but an rv or converted school/city bus is in our future. Full time travelers. First to explore this great big country that we've spent the last 13 years protecting. Taking as much time as we need. Years, even. And then we'll go beyond our borders. Central America has always called to me. Mexico, South America, I want to be immersed. Eventually, one day we hope to ditch the bus, hop a plane, and go explore the other side of the pond.

We're thinking a stop in Nevada straight away, to establish residency right out of military life. Homeschool laws are easy to follow there, perfect for travelers. Plus, we've enjoyed the no state tax thing for so long, why stop now? lol. After that stop, we'll head up to Washington to bunk for a while as we hunt down an RV or a bus... do whatever renovations we'll need (we definitely want some solar power and a veggie oil conversion, inspired by the Live Lightly Tour. Their wonderfully inspiring family is no longer on the tour, but they are back on the road. Their new travel blog hasn't launched yet; until it does, you can find them at Walk Slowly, Live Wildly). Not sure how long all of that will take, we're guessing a year or so, and then we're off. Dust in the wind. Ready to live, to laugh, to learn, to love ... and to visit as many of you as humanely possible!

The only thing that could stop us ... the government!
There are so many unknowns as far as Nicks medical retirement, it's a bit bothersome being so in the dark. Ok, more then a bit. Trying to roll with the punches. It doesn't help to get worked up over something we have no control over, right? Right! It's still annoying, though! lol. Worst case scenario ... I can see the VA telling him he has to stay within so many miles of his assigned Drs while we're receiving benefits. I don't like thinking about that scenario; talk about a kink ... we'll cross that bridge if we have to.

So, did you guess what that picture was up there?
Owen drew it.
Us in our RV/Bus
I love it!
The kids may be more excited than we are! lol.

February 16, 2010

"is it really still snowing"?

I grew up in Wisconsin. There was no shortage of snow around, that's for sure! lol.

I didn't miss it a bit when we left when I was 14. Not.A.Bit!

Over the years, though, I have reacquainted myself with the corner of my heart that really, really loves snow. The beauty of it is so unmatched. It's magical. There's no other word to describe it.

We've been living in areas that aren't too "snow friendly". For example... in South Carolina, where we've been for 3 winters now, the state closes down during the once a year we get a light dusting. I can understand the seemingly drastic measures they go to ... but that doesn't make it any less funny. Again, a Wisconsin girl, "we trekked through 57 inches of snow to get to school ... because as long as you could still see over it, you were GOING to school".

So, as a result of Army placement, we haven't seen much in the way of snow for years. Our Christmas Cabin in the Mountains was our hopeful attempt to capture some of the white magic ... but alas, not a flake.

Imagine our surprise the other day when the snow started falling...
and falling...
and FALLING...

"Is it REALLY still snowing"? Is a phrase that was uttered several hundred times by all, lol. We got over 3 inches, and let me tell you, every bit as beautiful as I remember. Every bit as much fun as I remember. Every bit as good as I remember (I like to eat it, lol, though I had to fight my dog off for it. She was hilarius!).

We played, and played, and played all day long. And then played, and played, and played all evening as well. We finally had to call it a night (morning?) sometime after midnight (what a great airborne toxic event song, btw). Rylans toes were hurting so bad that he started crying, so we had to wrap up the festivities and head inside. I suspect, if he had a more weather appropriate pair of shoes/boots to wear, we would have still been out there playing when the sun came up!

Now, I don't have any desire to ever LIVE in a snowy place again (of course things change, but that's my story right now, and I'm sticking to it!). Once the magical beauty of it wears off in a day or two, it's pretty ugly, actually. All brown and sloshy. Yelch! I never liked looking at it when I was a girl living in Wisconsin. It made me depressed, I don't want to be surrounded by that.
But I love visiting snow.
And I really love when a surprise snow storm hits our home; only to be gone in a day or two... just as quickly as it came.

you can see the rest of our Snow Day 2010 photos here
this are just the photos from my camera, hard to say when Nick will upload and process his...

February 6, 2010

Slow Down, You Move Too Fast

I was reading Boho Girl's recent blog entry the other day, and parts of it really resonated with me. She spoke of feelings that I too have been feeling lately. Feeling the pull to move on while working hard to stay present.

A born dreamer; it's a balance that I am forever working on ... staying present. Not letting these moments pass by in a hurried attempt to "move on" and to "get to where we're going". There are times, each day, that I am failing at this balance. And as the failures mount up, I have become increasingly frustrated and impatient with myself. With a four word phase, Boho girl summed up my feelings perfectly ... "impatient with being impatient". I'm impatient with the slow process in which our lives are in right now. We're in limbo, for who knows how long, and it can be hard to cope with sometimes (especially given that we have no control in the matter). Moreso, I am impatient with the fact that I am so impatient with the process.

Yes, indeed, I am impatient with being impatient. Those four little words are going to serve as a reminder to me. First, it'll help lighten my mood when I'm becoming a bit agitated or impatient. It really does make me giggle. It'll then be a reminder to be much more gentle with myself. I suspect that the more gentle I am with myself, the easier it will be for me to find balance.

We do have big dreams, and I am so very excited to start living them. However, this is where we are, we want to do everything we can to slow down, soak it in, and drink it all up.

February 4, 2010

Happy 4 months, Dreadies

yes, I look awful. exhausted, puffy, dark under eye circles do not a good photo make!

Four months old already, wow!
I have noticed a direct, unmistakable correlation between how I feel about my dreads and how I feel about my life. Thought I had already realized this? Yea, me too! lol. Perhaps this is a lesson that has many layers? Onion Cents: The Thin Line Between Life and Dreads Tell me that doesn't have New York Times best seller ALL over it!

I wasn't really loving my dreads this past month. There were many times, infact, that I really really disliked them. I never got to the point of regretting having them, however there were many times in which I did question and regret the way they were first started... "If we would have done this right in the beginning, I wouldn't be having this problem with them now".

This past month has also brought up a lot of unhappiness and resentment that I feel in my life. 'Nother place, 'nother blog...

There has to be a connection, right?

I chopped my bangs off, again, early in the month. I loved them the first day, but since ... yelch! I want the long, more flowy bangs back. I'm glad I made the cut. I wanted to try super short bangs, and even though there was a big part of me that was like "I don't think I'm going to like the outcome" ... I still went for it. I'm really very pleased that I didn't let myself question, doubt, put off, and generally make myself crazy for days over a decision. Which is something I can do when my life feels out of control, and I feel so consumed with stress and unhappiness. I question and doubt myself in everything I do. Growth! It's wonderful.

It's hair. It grows back. Sure, I don't like the super short bangs, but I love what they represent. I'm looking forward to them growing back out, but that's not to say I wont try the super short bang look again in the future. I'm a creature of change.

I've been taking steps in my life to bring about the sort of change I want to see. Starting things that I've wanted to start for years. Making plans for our near future that we once felt were beyond our reach. The sky is more blue, the grass more green, my soul more open ... and my dreads are lovely again!

Let There Be Light... and a Biopsy

I know you all have been wondering about Nicks surgery.
After a little inspiring talk on my part, he finally decided to request a second opinion. They first just referred him a different Dr working at the same hospital here, in the same dept. I expressed to him my concerns (drs tending to adhere to dept policy, so the 2nd opinion would already be a little skewed in bias. It wouldn't be an entirely fresh perspective), and I urged him to push to have the second opinion come from a Dr working at a different facility. It took a while for that referral to go through, but he finally had that appt last week.
So, he's seen 3 different Drs so far, and all three have had differing opinions ...

1st dr ... cancer. biopsy not possible. results wont be accurate. entire thyroid needs to be removed
2nd dr ... most likely cancer, biopsy not probable, can remove 1/2 the thyroid to have it tested. if it comes back not being cancer, "atleast you still have 1/2 your thyroid". if it comes back being cancer (which they think it will) they will have to go back in and remove the rest of the thyroid
3rd dr ... why are we even talking surgery? lets do a biopsy first. we've had great success getting accurate results by testing numerous samples right there in the OR to make sure we get a good one.

Wow, right? Is there any confusion, any confusion whatsoever why I don't trust western medicine? Don't trust it all!

So, the possibility of it not even being cancer is wonderful. He's decided to go with the 3rd dr for the biopsy. It's scheduled for either tuesday or wednesday of next week, I can't remember ... and the results should come back fairly quickly! Will keep you posted.

February 3, 2010

vlog debut!

Here I am... my first video log!
#1, notice the insanely dark puffy under eye circles. I'm absolutely rocking "the cute" these daysl!
#2, think I could I have said the word "awkward" a few more times?!
#3, I still REALLY want that nap! It almost got me, too. I dozed off for a couple of minutes. Watch that come back to haunt me tonight! Damn you Insomnia ... damn you!
#4, love the song playing in the background ... the kids were listening to it. Thanks, fellas, for adding the soundtrack to my production! lol

Hellooooo Wordpress

Alright lovelies, McAfee says that they've "removed the malicious reputation" of this site. So... if any of you have any more problems with it, please let me know so I can take care of it.

Also, I've moved my blog over to wordpress for now. Testing the waters. Really liking some of the extra features on wordpress, but I totally love all the free customizations you can do at blogger (you have to pay for them on wordpress! Not cool...) Anyone have any personal opinions about either site that you'd like to share, I'm all ears!

In the meantime, Blogger should automatically direct you to the new site (the addy is the same as listed in my post below) ... the only thing you'll need to do is update your feeds and bookmarks in order to continue getting my new posts.

My FIRST vlog is coming!
Check It Out!

February 2, 2010


*disclaimer... neither the content nor the hosting of this site has changed yet, just the domain name. I've noticed that the McAfee security siteadvisor has now tested this site as being unsecured and untrusted. Not sure what the issue is, but I'm working with them to try and fix it. Rest assured that the site is fine ... same as it always was. *muah*

Finally carved out my own little spot on the web, and I'm so excited to get this new phase out there. It'll take a bit to pull it all together, but I'm on my way, and that's exciting. I have such big plans. Such huge dreams. So excited to begin turning them into reality.

And that's where my inspiration for this lovely domain name, my new home on the web, came from ...

Dreams are meant to be spoken, heard, felt, embraced; Dreams are meant to be LIVED!

Dream big, Dream wild, Dream free...

Dream With Intention!

Make sure you update your bookmarks so you don't lose me :-)

photo taking at Huntington Beach State Park a year ago ... beautiful