Rewind back to Wednesday, April 14th. My Grandfather was arriving Thursday afternoon to get a Uhaul that he was going to drive back, while the kids and I followed behind in our van.I was barely functional. I paced the house endlessly, in a zombie state of mind, not really doing anything that needed to be done. My heart wasn't in it. The move, I mean.
My heart wasn't on board, and being someone who is deeply driven by her heart, I just couldn't make myself ok with the decision I had made. The anxiety I was feeling was increasing by the minute. Tight chest, difficulty breathing, panic attacks. I was a hot mess, and nothing was making it better.
With minutes to spare before my Grampa left his house to head into town in order to catch his flight later, I picked up the phone and made the difficult call to tell my family that I had changed I mind.
It was hard, and I struggled with whether or not I was doing the right thing, but in the end it's my heart that I follow. Always.
I didn't decide to stay because of Nick. We're separated for a reason, and will remain that way. I'm not thinking further then a separation right now. Perhaps it will be permanent, and divorce will be in our future... who knows. I can't think that far ahead, I don't want to think that far ahead. What I want to do is focus on my kids. Focus on me. Focus on our little unit of four. We're all in need of some healing, individually as well as together... and that is the only thing I care to focus on right now.
As such, I couldn't make myself ok with moving.
#1... I couldn't add anymore stress on top of what we're already dealing with. We need time to decompress. We're much better able to do that here, in a "free" house, with access to mine and nicks joint funds (which I transfer the majority of into my soulo account). We're able to take the time we need to just... be. To relax, to play, to reunite as a strong unit of four.
We just moved into this neighborhood, and it has been great. We're on a cul-de-sac road with kids ALL over the place. The boys have made so many new friends. They're outside riding their bikes/scooters/skate board/etc from sun up till sun down. With Nick gone, they're able to just be free. To just be KIDS! Not filled with worry and skepticism. Not having to walk on egg shells, and feel the need to sneak and lie. With him gone, we're able to really gain some clarity on some of our own issues, and work for improvement. If we would have up and moved to the other side of the country, we wouldn't have the time to decompress and heal from our current stressors, before throwing a slew of new stressors on top as well. Finding a place to live, finding a job to afford that place to live, the possibility of enrolling the kids in school, childcare options, finding a new network of friends and support, etc. The worry and stress isn't worth it. It's too much right now. The kids and I desperately need some downtime after 7 years of being on our toes with our guards up because of Nicks combat injuries.
And #2... as much as we need our space from Nick, the boys love him so, so much. I couldn't, in good conscience, put 3000 miles between them. I just couldn't. It was making me sick to think about. Literally, vomiting sick. My kids don't need that amount of space between them. They need to have access to their Dad if they want it. They need to be able to have playdates with him. They need to see that he still cares about them. I work really hard to have an open mind in any given situation. To put myself in the other persons shoes. I couldn't do it, I couldn't put that much distance between them, and still feel ok with myself.
So, Nick has moved out, and the kids and I have been getting on with our lives. Growing together again. It's been amazing. We've had rough patches here and there, of course. They've been through a lot! More than any kid should have to go through. They act out on occasion. But on a whole ... we're all starting to thrive again.
I made the right decision.
