August 22, 2014

Feeling all the feels with Kurt Cobain

I didn't have plans to write what I'm about to write today. I had a different subject in mind all together. Although, no, that doesn't feel accurate. The subjects are entirely related; cousins maybe? Yes, cousins. 1st cousins. Anyway, I was challenged (it was suggested to me) today to quote Kurt Cobain as we drove out of Aberdeen WA, and it was in his words that I felt the shift in this post stir.

The first words of Kurt's that came flooding back to me when this challenge was issued...
"Thank you for the tragedy. I need it for my art"
And oh how perfect those words were for today.

I have felt (still sometimes feel the ping of) great shame and discouragement feeling my artistic soul come alive during times of tragedy; while times of happiness bring an artistic numbness ... a void. This has always been such a source of confusion for me; I couldn't understand that. Or me. Or what that made me. "I'm creative ... but only if someone is mean to me". "I'm a writer ... but only when I'm sad". "I'm a painter ... but only when I'm mad". I couldn't make sense of that, so it caused me great heartache for much of my life.

Now. I love me. All of me. And this little piece of me ... I really love.
I am an empath. I feel the energy of everything around me. And I feel it big. While this has created a lot of big big hurt in my life, both to me and then FROM me; this gift is not something I would ever want to wish away. It is who I am. I found awareness with that part a long time ago. Just knowing that what I had been experiencing my whole life was actually a "thing" was such a comfort to me. I could feel a warm blanket instantly envelope me, and I wanted to learn everything I could about this "empath thing" (*grin).  With the awareness and the research, I am somewhat better at finding the balance between feeling/understanding the emotions & energies of everything around me, and becoming the emotions & energies of everything around me. I'm not good at that balance thing yet, at all, but at least now I know there IS a balance there that I can stretch to reach.

Understanding this piece of me was crucial to understand my artistic muse.
I, as an empath, feel EVERYTHING. Negative emotions & energies are so much more intense for me then positive, so they override. I have often (that sounds like a giant understatement) found myself drowning/sinking/mind spinning madness in a pool of negative energy that was not mine to begin with, but I took it on just the same, from anyone or anything nearby feeling it. This is such an intense feeling. So big. So heavy. My muse pops in during these moments and extends her hand. Together we artistically process ourselves through such darkness. It's my release. It's how I let it all go. It's how I know I will breath again. And once I do, just like that, she gently slips into the distance again... waiting for the next time I am in need of intense support.

That ... is beautiful to me.
And I understand me now.
A clarity so profound that it's hard to understand how I was so confused
This piece of me, as big and blurry as it can feel, makes me all the more beautiful to me.

Oh Kurt, you're still teaching me. Sharing the light. And the dark. Bringing the magic.

August 15, 2014

the seasons are a'shifting

Ahhhhh ...
Stretching into this space again.
Feels so good. 

I've been a blogger since before "blog" was really a thing. Back on platforms that were more complicated. Dark. Secretive. Like the seedy underbelly of a city. That's where my online "journalistic journey" was started so many moons ago. I kinda dig that start. A lot. 

And now it's been more then a year since my last post. 

The seasons are shifting again. 
*I* am shifting again. 

I had these grand dreams of my blog taking on new meaning when we started traveling. Dreams of it being far reaching and impactful. I would blog about our adventures, our trials, our encounters. My visions were big, and dramatic, and sparkly ... everything you want in a vision, really. And Ahhhh, yes, magical. Reality didn't quite live up. Unless, of course, that magic was wrapped up in boobs. Now boob; that I've got covered! Internet on the road, on the other hand, not so much. It has been a complicated puzzle, and quite frankly, not one I've been eager to figure out for myself (if someone else wants to get that taken care of for me; I'll have some tea ready for you. And a few carob/goji balls. And a hug. A hug so tight that the color will drain from your face and you'll be left gasping for oxygen). Being a creature of comfort, living in a forever changing environment, lends itself to some introverted internal grounding... often. So much so that by the time I am again feeling my soulful footing,  have re-surfaced to the land of the conscious people, and am ready locate a workable internet source in our current camp/city, it's about the time to pack up, roll on, and start the process alllllllllllll over again.

Until today!

A quick jailbreak of our phone + 
a sloooooooow weak cell signal = 
Meli is ONLINE! 
On her BED! 
Feeling fan-FREAKIN-tastic!

And also tired. 
And having to pee. 
Because just like the Missy of the 80's, the Missa of the 90's, the Melissa of Y2K, and the Meli of, well, right now ... I still Do!Not! like using my valuable time to go sit in a tiny room on a toilet to pee. Crouched down on the grass (or ground, or bed, or tree, or anywhere really), wriggling in pain and rendered immobile because I waited too long is always a much better alternative. Always.

And now that I've spread my wisdom far and wide (see, dreams really do come true) I'm going to go walk with my baby daddy down to the beach. We could use some extra connection today. Maybe sex while we're there, too. 

I should definitely pee before that.