I didn't have plans to write what I'm about to write today. I had a different subject in mind all together. Although, no, that doesn't feel accurate. The subjects are entirely related; cousins maybe? Yes, cousins. 1st cousins. Anyway, I was challenged (it was suggested to me) today to quote Kurt Cobain as we drove out of Aberdeen WA, and it was in his words that I felt the shift in this post stir.
The first words of Kurt's that came flooding back to me when this challenge was issued...
"Thank you for the tragedy. I need it for my art"
And oh how perfect those words were for today.
I have felt (still sometimes feel the ping of) great shame and discouragement feeling my artistic soul come alive during times of tragedy; while times of happiness bring an artistic numbness ... a void. This has always been such a source of confusion for me; I couldn't understand that. Or me. Or what that made me. "I'm creative ... but only if someone is mean to me". "I'm a writer ... but only when I'm sad". "I'm a painter ... but only when I'm mad". I couldn't make sense of that, so it caused me great heartache for much of my life.
Now. I love me. All of me. And this little piece of me ... I really love.
I am an empath. I feel the energy of everything around me. And I feel it big. While this has created a lot of big big hurt in my life, both to me and then FROM me; this gift is not something I would ever want to wish away. It is who I am. I found awareness with that part a long time ago. Just knowing that what I had been experiencing my whole life was actually a "thing" was such a comfort to me. I could feel a warm blanket instantly envelope me, and I wanted to learn everything I could about this "empath thing" (*grin). With the awareness and the research, I am somewhat better at finding the balance between feeling/understanding the emotions & energies of everything around me, and becoming the emotions & energies of everything around me. I'm not good at that balance thing yet, at all, but at least now I know there IS a balance there that I can stretch to reach.
Understanding this piece of me was crucial to understand my artistic muse.
I, as an empath, feel EVERYTHING. Negative emotions & energies are so much more intense for me then positive, so they override. I have often (that sounds like a giant understatement) found myself drowning/sinking/mind spinning madness in a pool of negative energy that was not mine to begin with, but I took it on just the same, from anyone or anything nearby feeling it. This is such an intense feeling. So big. So heavy. My muse pops in during these moments and extends her hand. Together we artistically process ourselves through such darkness. It's my release. It's how I let it all go. It's how I know I will breath again. And once I do, just like that, she gently slips into the distance again... waiting for the next time I am in need of intense support.
That ... is beautiful to me.
And I understand me now.
A clarity so profound that it's hard to understand how I was so confused
This piece of me, as big and blurry as it can feel, makes me all the more beautiful to me.
Oh Kurt, you're still teaching me. Sharing the light. And the dark. Bringing the magic.
Everything you said I can relate to. And recall being this sensitive to others in emotions in early childhood, its taken me a long and painful process to come to accept this essence of me, that I feel and perceive things that both frighten and give me strength, awareness to make choices in the best interest of my health rather than compromising myself as I had done the majority of my life. Trying to blend in when I felt alien. I'm grateful to be this alive even it hurts like hell at times, especially when I blur the boundary of my emotions and others.
ReplyDeleteEverything you said I can relate to. And recall being this sensitive to others in emotions in early childhood, its taken me a long and painful process to come to accept this essence of me, that I feel and perceive things that both frighten and give me strength, awareness to make choices in the best interest of my health rather than compromising myself as I had done the majority of my life. Trying to blend in when I felt alien. I'm grateful to be this alive even it hurts like hell at times, especially when I blur the boundary of my emotions and others.
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