February 6, 2009

Sex and the City ... I want some!

I have a boxed set of Sex and the City that has been gathering dust for a couple of years. I didn't follow the series when it originally aired on HBO (we didn't have HBO, haa), and then when it was syndicated to TBS (back when we still had television programming in the house), I decided to wait until I was ready to watch my boxed set. I wanted to watch it in all it's glory. I didn't want to watch a censored version of a very UNcensored show. I finally had an urge to watch, so that's exactly what I've been doing for the past two weeks.

I fell in love! Yes, I know, I am well behind the times, but I LOVED it!! It kept me thoroughly entertained every night until the last disc of the set was over (which is when I ran out and bought the Sex and the City movie, haha).

As much as I loved the series, it made me a little sad as well. It got me thinking... I completely miss having that sisterhood. That strong connection with female friends. The know everything (well, almost) about each other, the call you up in the middle of the night to cry, the standing weekly dates to chat, the weekend getaways with the girls, etc. Don't get me wrong, I have some wonderful female friends whom I love dearly, but that connection, that sisterhood, I haven't felt that since high school, really, and I miss it! Actually, I don't know if you can truly count high school. I mean, I deeply cherish the relationships I had back then, and I will carry them with me for the rest of my life, but I wasn't really "me" yet, if that makes any sense? I hadn't gone through the process of finding myself when I had that close knit sisterhood. I went through that process alone. I went through becoming a Mother alone. Becoming a wife alone. Learning about my passions, my ambitions, my goals, etc ... I did all of that without a sisterhood to turn to, to lean on, to pull from.

How lonely and pathetic do I sound right now? Haaa

I use the excuse of life getting in the way. We're all so busy with school, jobs, kids, husbands ... life. It's hard, being out here in the adult world, to maintain a level of friendship that seemed so easy in high school.

What it really boils down to is effort. If you want something bad enough, you have to work at it, put effort into it, make time for it. Face it, finding, forming, and hanging on to a sisterhood is work! It's a relationship - and relationships take work!!

Right out of high school I got married, had a baby, and moved away. I wasn't relatable anymore to my old friends, and we just sort of drifted. We still keep in contact, but that closeness is very much gone. We've tried a couple of times to really put in an effort to fix our tattered relationships, but it never lasts. We are each so different, on different paths, too much distance, blah, blah, blah.

I went through bouts of depression and severe social anxiety in my early/mid 20's. It got to the point where I wouldn't leave my house. It was bad, and it surely didn't help me in the sisterhood department, haa. Luckily, I have pulled myself out of that. Leaving the house is great, and love being around people again, lol. Still, though, there is something that is preventing me from taking my friendships to that higher level. I just don't feel safe enough, or comfortable enough, or secure enough, or something to really open myself up to an intense connection with a group of friends. I want to... I just haven't.

Perhaps it's because we're in the military. With friends coming and going ALL the time, it's difficult to really invest in something that you know is not going to be there in a few months, a year, or maybe if you're really lucky ... 2-3 years. Fear of abandonment, maybe? It's a complex I've had since I was little. Perhaps it's rearing it's ugly head, and creating an unconscious wall around me... "if I don't let them in, they can't "leave me". Although, I just don't think that's it. I know the coming and going of military life sucks, but I don't think that's what is preventing the "next step". And yes, getting hurt also sucks, but I don't think I'm holding back for fear of being hurt per say. When and if someone asks me a specific question, no matter how intimate or personal, I'm usually very free and open with my conversations. I don't hold back (even though in some cases I probably should, haha). What I think it is is my insecurity. Not feeling like I'm good enough, or worthy enough to have someone trust me with their inner most feelings and secrets, much less have that other person care enough to hear about MY inner most feelings and secrets. Hell, not even feeling good enough (or smart enough, or funny enough, yada yada yada) to have someone want to spend any significant amount of time with me ... minus a deep sisterhood connection.

I know, I know ... now I REALLY sound pathetic!

Yes, I am insecure, I know. Believe it or not, I have made huge improvements with that ugly little demon over the past several years. Much progress has been made, even if those thoughts and feelings up there don't sound very progressive, haha.

Bottom line, my life has been a hellish roller coaster lately (and by lately, I mean the past almost 6 yrs!). I can put on a brave face, and "pretend" happy with the best of 'em, but inside I am a swirling volcano ready to erupt. I'm often scrambling so hard just to find my footing, and it feels as though I am losing the battle.

I need a sisterhood so desperately. I believe that with a strong support system... a group of woman who know me, and I mean REALLY know me, love me, support me, accept me for who I am, all without judgement. I think if I had that to turn to, it would help me become stronger, and in turn, help me deal with the situations I am facing... have been facing for years. I've been plugging away at these issues for the past six years, and I feel so stuck right now. So isolated and trapped. I am at a stand still, and I no longer know how to move forward. I know I'm a strong woman. I know I can do anything I set my mind to. I also know that as a person, I am only capable of handling so much alone. Everyone needs love and support to grow and flourish; I think I've reached my "alone" limit. I need that sisterhood back... if not for the shoulder, then for the distraction!