My bed is the one place I used to feel safe. And warm. And comforted. And now it's the place I most dread.
I'm sitting here. In my bed. Shaking. And crying. I was having an awful dream. I could feel my entire body fighting; kicking, punching, lashing out. I could feel myself choking out sob after sob. My eyes pouring tears. One giant loud scream and I was awake. Sitting straight up in my bed. My face hot and wet. My blankets a mess. And everything I stack on one side of the bed, to weigh down the blankets on that side and create the illusion that I'm not alone, obviously kicked and pushed all over the floor.
Pathetic, right? Stacking shit on your bed for "company". But it works for me. I like to feel the weighted tug from the other side. And now it's all over the floor. So fucking fitting.
My sweet babes used to love to sleep with me, but it seems they have mostly out grown that. And as much as I want to cry and beg and bribe them back ... I won't. I'll let them fly. Although there has been a time or two where I've just happened to pop in a well loved movie up here, and if we happen to fall asleep while watching, well....
I will, however, guilt my cats and dog to stay with me, and I have no shame about that. None, whatsofuckingever! Even if it means chasing them around the house to bring them back!
I stated in a previous post that I was feeling better. Doing better. But there was something on the horizon that had the potential to knock me back to square one. I also mentioned in an even more recent post about the impending visit from Nick for Rylan's birthday this week.
Yea ... those two things go together.
Oooh, and the cake topper! PMS! As if I needed an extra surge of hormone right now. Wasn't enough hot mess crazy going on already. Clearly I'm giving some twisted universe fuck a good laugh.
A blogger friend put out a challenge months ago for each of us to pick a theme song for the year. This is the song I chose.
I didn't have a peaches and cream childhood. My marriage wasn't full of roses and rainbows.
For much of my life I let others tell me I wasn't good enough; I let them define me. Intentional or not on their part, I let the words, thoughts, and actions of others label who I am. My entire being was neatly folded into tiny, stifling little boxes that were assigned to me.
The things I went through and saw in my childhood shaped me, obviously. Growing up I always felt, on the inside, that I was this vibrant, happy, extroverted girl ... but in reality I was quiet, and reserved, and full of so much self doubt. Locked up in the boxes I was shoved into. When I became a teenager, the struggle inside of me to break out of those boxes grew into self destruction that carried through into adulthood.
Just when I felt I was finding my footing... my world was turned upside down. The circumstances surrounding Nick leaving for Iraq 9 1/2 years ago rocked me to my core. It was an experience that, when I write and/or talk about, it doesn't seem that catastrophic. But it hallowed me out. Nick was the one floating vessel I found that I could hold onto in a world that I felt was trying to drown me. It was his love and patient understanding that gently guided me through my self destruction early in our relationship. And the way in which he left was a huge sucker punch that I never, in a million years, would have guessed was coming. Suppose that's why they call them "sucker punches", eh?! It chewed me up and spit me out. And while I was there, on the ground, all broken and writhing, I had a breakthrough. I was strong. I was capable. I was more then enough, on every level imaginable. I had proven that to myself countless times throughout my life, but I never noticed it. Not until that moment did I feel it inside of me. The shit I went through as a kid sucked, yes, but it gave me this undeniable strength. An incredible amount of compassion. And a steadfast determination that I was just in that moment recognizing. I finally released all of the pain and anger I was still carrying with me from my childhood, and I found forgiveness. I found gratefulness, even. While Nick was gone I started to find myself; redefine myself... on my terms.
Little did I know that the way in which Nick left for Iraq was just the tip of the iceberg for sucker punches I would absorb.
He came home. With all of his ptsd and brain trauma causing severe personality changes. His issues took over our lives, and every last ounce of energy I had went to helping him. I thought I had made enough internal progress with myself that I could handle taking a step back, and not let it affect me. I, once again, took a backseat. Fell into the selfless caregiver roll that I was so familiar with from my childhood. And as he self destructed, and lashed out, my new found confidence and strength was being chipped away at. Daily. I found myself hopping back into the boxes he needed me to be in for his "recovery". I kept telling myself that I was strong, and fully capable of dealing with this. This situation was temporary. A temporary sacrifice for a man who gave so much to me. He was my husband. For better or worse. And I was strong enough to carry us through this stretch of worse. I believed that with every ounce of my being. But then days became weeks, weeks became months, months became years. And the lines between who I knew I was, and who I was letting myself be for Nick became blurred.
I made small steps for myself, but they were cautious steps. Very meek; mild. Everything I did, or didn't do, was carefully thought-out and weighed against any potential effect it would have on the healing process of Nick. My mind was constantly "on". It was exhausting. I was exhausted. It just didn't seem worth it. I pulled away from all of my friends. I dropped all dreams I had for myself. I stopped trying. I gave up on me.
It was the very last day of last year that something shifted inside of me. I had felt myself slipping further and further away for months. Closer and closer to that depressive, suicidal, self destructive girl I used to be. I wasn't going to let that happen. I was finally honest with myself about the fact that there was nothing I could do to help Nick, but there was a whole helluva lot I could do to help myself. I shaved my head. Chose the word "trust" as my power word for the year. And I worked my ass off to overcome fear, and rediscover myself. I stumbled some, and fell back into the same self sacrificing roll I've been known for my whole life several times. It was a messy process, but I didn't give up. It was a hard choice to make... picking me. I knew doing so would likely end my marriage. But I held onto hope, knew I was worth it no matter what, and I chose me. I do wish that he would have stuck around to see that by choosing me; I was also choosing us. I couldn't help him, or give fully to our marriage if I wasn't whole first. But we didn't make it through the messy transition. Even knowing that... I wouldn't change the choice I made. I still choose me.
This separation leading to divorce has tested me. Of course. Through it all, though, I never felt I was losing touch with myself. On the contrary, I have felt a deeper understanding of who I am during these past few months. I've broken through a few hidden boxes I didn't even know were there. Going through something so gut wrenchingly painful can bring such an amazing sense of self awareness if you're listening. Open. Full of trust.
I've listened to this song almost daily since that challenge to find a theme song. And I hoop my ass off to it constantly. It sings to me. Reminds me ... Don't give up. Don't let others define you. Rock your shit your way!
I figured out how to take the negativity and turn it all around.
Check the Level ~The Dirty Heads Her name was Lily his was Todd She was tall and he was odd, And all the other girls said she was too fat for the squad She just wanted friends yo And he just wanted broads I'd do anything for pussy, change my ways, I swear to god He needs to straighten up He isn't smart enough I wouldn't be his date He doesn't dress like us Remember all the times that he got beat up on the bus But what he learned from that was to be careful who you trust He knew that they were wrong, so he took it with a yawn He knew his time would come, yo, and he'd be moving on So he locked himself inside a room, and started writing songs You could catch him in the back of class singing all along like
Check the level cause somethings coming over me
Check the level cause somethings coming over me
Check the level cause somethings coming over me Somethings got a hold of me always controlling me
It's in the audio
It's in the air
It's in the way you move It's everywhere
It's something beautiful
That you don't know So feel the audio
And let it go
Yo, well back to miss lily when she used to let the days pass Sitting home alone sucking food up off her place mat They used to call her fat, so she started losing weight fast Got sick in debate class, to throw up what she ate last She didn't know that the things they said that left her hurting Would actually turn out to make her a better person She locked herself inside her room got to the rehearsing Walking down a runway in a dress she made from curtains So she was slimming up She was tall enough She became a model, she was paid, and she was loved See what they thought they knew about these two was givin up Cause no matter what they said these two just didn't give a fuck
They had it all along they just figured it out How to take the negativity and turn it all around Now lily's turning heads up on the runway in Milan And Todd is selling millions while his fans sing along like
Check the level cause somethings coming over me
Check the level cause somethings coming over me
Check the level cause somethings coming over me Somethings got a hold of me always controlling me
It's in the audio
It's in the air
It's in the way you move It's everywhere
It's something beautiful
That you don't know So feel the audio
And let it go
It's the six string slayer, the rhyme cultivator Picking home grown rhyme straight out the incubator Cross fade to the right while I slide to the left There's something coming over me controlling every breath Gasping for air my fears burn through If there's something in the audio then what they said was true Full speed ahead code red phase two The sound waves control the minds of me and you
I keep looking at the calendar. Watching the days tick away. Bringing us closer and closer to a whirlwind of activity.
I keep looking at my "to do" list. Thinking I should get started with the tasks at hand. Choosing instead to just add more things to it and walk away.
Music and Hooping. It's all I want right now. So I tell myself I'll hoop for a bit and then get cracking.
Yea, doesn't happen. I have no desire whatsofreakinever to accomplish anything on that to do list. So back to my hoop I go.
Rylan is turning 10 in a few days. My sweet bubsy is stepping over to double digit land. I have decorations to make. And food to prepare. And packing to do for the overnight adventure I have planned for us. We leave for our 20+ hour road trip down to San Diego for Wide Sky Days a couple of days later. Will be a two week trip. I have a crap lot of packing to do for that. And shopping for a few essentials. And food to dehydrate. And have I mentioned yet that Nick is flying in for a couple of days?
Oh, I haven't?
Well, he is. Flying in. Rylan asked him a month or so ago if he'd come to celebrate his birthday with him, so he's coming in for a couple of days for that. Nick. The guy we haven't seen in what, forever (I used to measure time by counting the weeks he'd been gone; and I have no clue what that number is anymore. The day I realized that, I knew I was moving on). Should be a barrel of fun! :-/ The kids are over the moon excited, though, so I'm happy (and I'll have plenty of hard cider on hand, ha).
Basically, Nick will be here on the 29th. Ry's birthday adventure will start early on the 30th. We wont be home from that adventure until the evening of the 31st. And we leave bright and early on the 1st for our epic road trip to an epic unschooling conference (which is a whirlwind all on it's own).
And the only thing I want to do is hoop. And dance. And sing. And make spotify playlists. And go to the park to swing. And dye my hair purple. And snuggle my almost 10 year old. And blog... apparently.
says the drunk girl in the club ... This.Is.My.Jam! My favorite hooping go to lately. And I rock the hell out of it. And like Pink, sometimes I even do it naked. While screaming. And flipping the bird. My hair has not caught fire, yet ... and I'm still contemplating how to hack down that tree in the national forest that has our names etched into it. Because ... So what I'm still a rockstar and I don't need you!
So What ~Pink Na na na na na na na Na na na na na na Na na na na na na na Na na na na na na
I guess I just lost my husband I don't know where he went So I'm gonna drink my money I'm not gonna pay his rent (nope) I got a brand new attitude And I'm gonna wear it tonight I wanna get in trouble I wanna start a fight
Na na na na na na na I wanna start a fight Na na na na na na na I wanna start a fight
So so what? I'm still a rock star I got my rock moves And I don't need you And guess what I'm having more fun And now that we're done I'm gonna show you tonight I'm alright, I'm just fine And you're a tool So so what? I am a rockstar I got my rock moves And I don't want you tonight
Uh, check my flow, uohh
The waitress just took my table And gave it to Jessica Simps (shit!) I guess I'll go sit with drum-boy At least he'll know how to hit(oops!) What if this song's on the radio Then somebody's gonna die(hahaha!) I'm gonna get in trouble My ex will start a fight
Na na na na na na na He's gonna start a fight Na na na na na na na We're all gonna get in a fight
So so what? I'm still a rock star I got my rock moves And I don't need you And guess what I'm having more fun And now that we're done I'm gonna show you tonight I'm alright, I'm just fine And you're a tool So so what? I am a rockstar I got my rock moves And I don't want you tonight
You weren't there You never were You wanted all But that's not fair I gave you life I gave my all You weren't there You let me fall
So so what? I'm still a rock star I got my rock moves And I don't need you And guess what I'm having more fun And now that we're done I'm gonna show you tonight I'm alright, I'm just fine And you're a tool So so what? I am a rockstar I got my rock moves And I don't want you tonight
No no, no no I don't want you tonight You weren't fair I'm gonna show you tonight I'm alright (I'm alright), I'm just fine And you're a fool So so what? I am a rock star I got my rock moves And I don't want you tonight
So what does letting go and moving on look like? It apparently involves skin, and cider, and hooping! Other then that...
I haven't got the faintest of clues.
But here I am, doing it. Happily even. I'm having a damn good time rediscovering myself.
Before we go any further, that cider I mentioned up there? Yea, there's one or two in my belly at the moment. And I'm a drinking light weight. I refrained from drunk dialing; but drunk blogging is apparently something I'm ok with. Good to know ;-)
I had this truth bomb hit my inbox not too long ago...
Bring it up again if you need to. "Closed subjects" and "getting on with it" can kill revelations and breakthroughs. Be the person who circles back.
That... really resonated with me.
I have had a lot of breakthroughs and revelations recently, and looking back I can see the turning point ... like woah!
It was a few weeks ago. I had just gotten done writing a long heart felt message to him (a conversation that wouldn't happen in person because he's nearly on the other side of the country; and not on the phone because he didn't want to talk) expressing to him a few things I have realized about myself during this separation, things I was thinking about that could really benefit us as a couple, and telling him that I was still willing to try a few avenues we haven't yet tried in order to save our marriage; save our family. It was not an easy letter to write. I have abandonment issues. I have rejection issues. I have self-esteem and confidence issues. But, I also have issues with regrets, and I'm not willing to harbor any; even if that means being faced with abandonment, or rejection, or a hit to my self esteem. I didn't want to let this divorce sweep through so quickly without me saying "I love you; I think we can make this work", only to wake up 10 years from now wondering "what if". Perhaps he felt the same way, but assumed I was 100% done, and decided to stay quiet for his own reasons. It was a long shot; it was a gamble; but I was willing to roll the dice. And, as it turns out, he's not interested. For whatever reason (I'm not entirely clear what) he's not interested in trying, so okay.
I braced myself for the fallout I was sure would ensue within me. Ready for the breakdown. The nonstop tears. The screaming. The silence. I was ready to pick up the pieces I was sure I would crumble into, but I remained whole. And happy.
Happy!
What the what?!
I was HAPPY! I mean, it sucked that I would be a divorcee after 15 years. It sucked that I was losing my best friend. It sucked that he didn't even want to *think* about trying. It sucked that my kids would be from a "broken home". It sucked that after 15 years together, the end of us was happening through messages, instead of face to face. It sucked. Big time. But also... I felt happy. Not happy because of his response, of course, every ounce of me wants my marriage to work. But because I didn't realize how much weight I was carrying around already with "what ifs" and silent hope. Opening myself up; speaking that hope instead of letting it remain silent was ... holy shit, it was freeing! I didn't let my fears hold me back from being true to myself. It didn't matter that he didn't feel the same way ... the simple act of expressing what I was feeling was grounding enough that I was able to handle the rejection; and come out the other end feeling happy.
Knowing is almost always better then not knowing, right?
I think so. Knowing we are over; much easier to deal with then that silent hope that was smothering me. It's freeing! And while I don't know what moving on looks like; if it starts with a feeling of happy freedom having broken through self imposed chains ... I've got this in the bag. In.The.Bag!
I've had breakthroughs with my self love and self acceptance. Revelations with my self esteem and my confidence.
Big, huge breakthroughs since writing that message.
Releasing my truth. I've got my arms around myself, and I'm not letting go of me again! I'm pretty cool to hang out with. And grope. Ha!
And then that truth bomb hit my inbox. Like it was meant for me. Written for me. Only I had already done it.
I brought it up again. A "closed subject" ... I brought it up again. I circled back.
Validation that I'm on the path I am meant to be on? Or a sign to circle around again at some point?
Which begs the question ...
How many times should one circle a particular "closed subject" before they just cut ties?
A spectacular meteor shower. Seriously, it was spectacular. The sky was lit up ... in spectacular fashion. I've never seen so many shooting stars in one night. I lost count after 25. Twenty-Five shooting stars! And that's just when I lost count! That's amazing. Big, and bright, and beautiful, and ... yes, spectacular.
this... clearly not a meteor filled sky. I tried to take a photo of the brilliance, but all I ended up with was pitch black shots. Sooo, this is a photo of Friday nights *spectacular* sunset, as seen from the bleachers of the lawn mower races. Heh.
Sitting under the night sky is something that he and I did together almost every night of the first 5 months that we dated; at which time he left for marine corps bootcamp. Before we moved in together (after only 3 months; and 17 years old) he lived only a 5 minute drive from my house, but it was way back in the outskirts of town - isolated from the city. One long, dark road leading in. And we pulled over on the side of that road often on the way to dropping him off at night (he didn't have a car; I drove). We watched the stars almost every night together.
These thoughts were definitely present on Saturday night as I sat under the same sky he and I shared countless times. The memories were right there with me, clinging. I waiting for the sinking feeling to wash over me. I waited for the grasp of loneliness to take hold. I waited for the emptiness to swallow me up. Nothing. Nothing but a smile. I sat in the bed of our truck, looking up at shooting star after shooting star, and I was able to smile over all of the stars shared and wishes whispered in our life together. Sweet memories. Happy memories. And I embraced them.
And I was also perplexed by them; by my reaction to them. Wondering when the gut wrenching darkness would overtake me. Would it be later that night. After I went inside. As I was curling up in bed ready to sleep. Would grief hit me then; robbing me once again of a decent nights sleep. These wandering wonder thoughts never lasted long. Just little blurps in an otherwise very peace filled night. The only reason these blurps were even there, I'm sure, is because I was so curious about this state of peacefulness under circumstances that I could only assume would render me beaten down and heartbroken... again.
Nothing. No stomach churning sadness whatsoever. I lied in my bed that night and felt nothing but contentment.
I've felt a deep sense of self love, self forgiveness, and peace in these past two weeks ... since that huge cry I blogged about here. I don't know why, or how, but there has definitely been a huge shift in me. I haven't put too much stock in it; I've had good days before. I've been downplaying and assuming this is just another part of the grief pendulum I'm swinging on, and I'm waiting for it to swing back down again. But it's real. And even if it does swing back down again at some point, it's here now, and will come back again. I believe that now.
Star gazing. An activity that was so very dear to me and him; it didn't bring me to my knees. The sky was on fire Saturday night; And my soul is on fire, too. If the universe sent this to test the new found level of peace-ness I've found, or to maybe show myself how far I've come; I'm happy to say ... noted!
And just as I jumped over that self assuming hurdle; I find myself face to face with another. Bigger. Much bigger. Loaded with all the capabilities of knocking me back down to square one. Step one. Breath one. Staying present, and waiting to see what emotions come...
Today's songbird post is set to a home video! **and the crowd goes wild** A quick glance at the song lyrics will fully explain my choosing of this song ;-) 'nuff said.
The hoop has been such a therapeutic tool for me as I journey through this separation/divorce; I decided to document a little bit of that with a hooping music video. A hooping video made up of 3 parts bright ass sun (totally didn't know the flare was THAT bright, yikes), 2 parts rocking out, and 1 part hooping, lol! I'm a work in progress and loving every minute of it. Slowly finding my flow inside of the hoop, which hasn't been easy with an extra 15lbs of divorce weight (not so distant relative to the "college 10" I presume, lol) that I'm not used to carrying around and grooving with. We might take the long way, but we're getting there ... this strong, beautiful, capable body and me; we're getting there <3
**again, that sun flare. I wanted a little flare; this monster, though ... yeeeouch, right? lol! My bad. I thought about redoing it, but that just wouldn't capture the same energy, sooo...
Surrender ~Ashlee Simpson if that's the way you want it well there you go baby you can have it all now that you just let me go yeah, yeah yeah, yeah i waited here for so long thinkin' that you'd see you just kept on runnin' away you made your misery my company open up your eyes don't you know you only get one life oh, you drive me crazy oh, you just bring me down look out your window my sunshine's all around all you have to do is just surrender
just surrender all the pain in your heart all the tears in your empty soul and when you're spinnin' round and around i'm the psycho goin' outta control open up your eyes don't you know youre only wasting time
oh, you drive me crazy oh, you just bring me down look out your window my sunshine's all around all you have to do is just surrender
just surrender you know it doesn't matter what you do don't you know i'm so over you open up your eyes don't you know that it's your life oh, you drive me crazy oh, you just bring me down look out your window my sunshine's all around all you gotta do... oh, you drive me crazy oh, you just bring me down look out your window my sunshine's all around all you gotta do is just surrender
just surrender if that's the way you want it well there you go
continuing to stake claim of my face and dotting it's way down my neck ... this is my truth.
I haven't cried too much throughout this separation/divorce transition. Some, but really not too much. Highly unusual for this emotional girl. Kinda weird, actually.
I cried two weeks ago. Driving home from our first CSA pickup. All three kids passed out. I cried. The entire hour and a half drive home; I cried. Not a hard cry. Just tears. Continuous tears falling down my cheeks as I quietly sang along with the radio. And I didn't feel better afterwards. I walked through the remainder of that week, and into the next with a sinking feeling washing over and through me. Feeling a chill run through my spine; stopping me in my tracks multiple times a day. Taking time to embrace myself, literally, to regain some sense of comfort.
I cried last week. In the early morning hours. Kids still asleep. Birds chirping their morning song. I sat in my bed and cried. A really hard, gut wrenching, gasping for breath, dizzying kind of cry. And I felt so much better afterward. I have grown and stretched in so many ways these past 2 months. I've learned things about myself that have long been standing in the way of my ability to let other people into my life in a truly vulnerable sense. I've gained a kind of clarity that I didn't know existed. But not until I was in the aftermath of that self purging cry did I truly feel my heart opening to my own being. A level of self love washed over me so fiercely. Looking me straight in the eye, and refusing to be ignored this time. Refusing to be pushed aside. Refusing to be tamed. I stood in front of myself and looked at all of the imperfections that used to tie me down ... and I watched them break away from me one by one. My chest inflating, my shoulders opening, my step feeling lighter.
I look into a mirror now and have such a deep appreciation for the body and spirit I see reflected there. My heart, hurt and torn, but so very open and forgiving. My mind, filled with so much fear and resistance, but ready to take leaps and embrace risks. My body, not tight and svelte, but perfectly, beautifully, uniquely mine.
My experiences in this life are mapped out very clearly in this body of mine, and I'm finding a great deal of love and beauty in every curve, every wiggle, every mark I see. A reflection of my life; my story. I am me, and I love me. In this space. In this moment. I love me. All of me.
And then I see my face, and it's so hard to hold onto the feelings of self love. Hard. Really, really hard. I'm trying desperately to hold on, but it's hard! Maybe that's the problem. Trying too hard; too much pressure. It's too forced and causing resistance. This facial skin condition/rash is not getting any better; it just continues to get worse. Just when I feel as though I'm making progress on loving and accepting that this is a part of my life; that this is me; that this is my story; my beautiful story ... new splotches show up to test me. And I fail. I fail miserably. I don't know how to love this piece of me. I don't know how to be ok with this aspect of my being. I don't know how...
But I'm not going to quit working to figure it out. And the more I talk about it; the more I unapologetically show photos of it; the more I face it and don't run from it ... the easier and easier it is to connect with it. It is me. And I love me.
Getting lost in The Shins lately. oooooh so lost. and maybe a little bit found ...
Gone For Good ~The Shins untie me, i've said no vows the train is getting way too loud i gotta leave here my girl get on with my lonely life just leave the ring on the rail for the wheels to nullify
until this turn in my head i let you stay and you paid no rent i spent twelve long months on the lam that's enough sitting on the fence for the fear of breaking dams
i find a fatal flaw in the logic of love and go out of my head you love a sinking stone that'll never elope so get used to the lonesome girl, you must atone some don't leave me no phone number there
it took me all of a year to put the poison pill to your ear but now i stand on honest ground on honest ground you want to fight for this love but honey you cannot wrestle a dove so baby it's clear
you want to jump and dance but you sat on your hands and lost your only chance go back to your hometown get your feet on the ground and stop floating around
i find a fatal flaw in the logic of love and go out of my head you love a sinking stone that'll never elope so get used to the lonesome girl, you must atone some don't leave me no phone number there
