my bed

Posted by meli on Tuesday, August 28, 2012 in marriage, mental heath | No comments

My bed is the one place I used to feel safe. And warm. And comforted.
And now it's the place I most dread.

I'm sitting here. In my bed. Shaking. And crying. I was having an awful dream. I could feel my entire body fighting; kicking, punching, lashing out. I could feel myself choking out sob after sob. My eyes pouring tears. One giant loud scream and I was awake. Sitting straight up in my bed. My face hot and wet. My blankets a mess. And everything I stack on one side of the bed, to weigh down the blankets on that side and create the illusion that I'm not alone, obviously kicked and pushed all over the floor.

Pathetic, right? Stacking shit on your bed for "company".  But it works for me. I like to feel the weighted tug from the other side. And now it's all over the floor. So fucking fitting.

My sweet babes used to love to sleep with me, but it seems they have mostly out grown that. And as much as I want to cry and beg and bribe them back ... I won't. I'll let them fly. Although there has been a time or two where I've just happened to pop in a well loved movie up here, and if we happen to fall asleep while watching, well....

I will, however, guilt my cats and dog to stay with me, and I have no shame about that. None, whatsofuckingever! Even if it means chasing them around the house to bring them back!

I stated in a previous post that I was feeling better. Doing better. But there was something on the horizon that had the potential to knock me back to square one. I also mentioned in an even more recent post about the impending visit from Nick for Rylan's birthday this week.

Yea ... those two things go together.

Oooh, and the cake topper! PMS! As if I needed an extra surge of hormone right now. Wasn't enough hot mess crazy going on already. Clearly I'm giving some twisted universe fuck a good laugh.

I want to burn this bed.