Sunday's Songbird ... Check the Level

Posted by meli on Sunday, August 26, 2012 in inspired, marriage, mental heath, military/retirement, songbird, stories of my youth | 1 comment

A blogger friend put out a challenge months ago for each of us to pick a theme song for the year.
This is the song I chose.

I didn't have a peaches and cream childhood.
My marriage wasn't full of roses and rainbows.

For much of my life I let others tell me I wasn't good enough; I let them define me. Intentional or not on their part, I let the words, thoughts, and actions of others label who I am. My entire being was neatly folded into tiny, stifling little boxes that were assigned to me.

The things I went through and saw in my childhood shaped me, obviously. Growing up I always felt, on the inside, that I was this vibrant, happy, extroverted girl ... but in reality I was quiet, and reserved, and full of so much self doubt. Locked up in the boxes I was shoved into. When I became a teenager, the struggle inside of me to break out of those boxes grew into self destruction that carried through into adulthood.

Just when I felt I was finding my footing... my world was turned upside down. The circumstances surrounding Nick leaving for Iraq 9 1/2 years ago rocked me to my core. It was an experience that, when I write and/or talk about, it doesn't seem that catastrophic. But it hallowed me out. Nick was the one floating vessel I found that I could hold onto in a world that I felt was trying to drown me. It was his love and patient understanding that gently guided me through my self destruction early in our relationship. And the way in which he left was a huge sucker punch that I never, in a million years, would have guessed was coming. Suppose that's why they call them "sucker punches", eh?! It chewed me up and spit me out. And while I was there, on the ground, all broken and writhing, I had a breakthrough. I was strong. I was capable. I was more then enough, on every level imaginable. I had proven that to myself countless times throughout my life, but I never noticed it. Not until that moment did I feel it inside of me. The shit I went through as a kid sucked, yes, but it gave me this undeniable strength. An incredible amount of compassion. And a steadfast determination that I was just in that moment recognizing. I finally released all of the pain and anger I was still carrying with me from my childhood, and I found forgiveness. I found gratefulness, even. While Nick was gone I started to find myself; redefine myself... on my terms.

Little did I know that the way in which Nick left for Iraq was just the tip of the iceberg for sucker punches I would absorb.

He came home. With all of his ptsd and brain trauma causing severe personality changes. His issues took over our lives, and every last ounce of energy I had went to helping him. I thought I had made enough internal progress with myself that I could handle taking a step back, and not let it affect me. I, once again, took a backseat. Fell into the selfless caregiver roll that I was so familiar with from my childhood. And as he self destructed, and lashed out, my new found confidence and strength was being chipped away at. Daily. I found myself hopping back into the boxes he needed me to be in for his "recovery". I kept telling myself that I was strong, and fully capable of dealing with this. This situation was temporary. A temporary sacrifice for a man who gave so much to me. He was my husband. For better or worse. And I was strong enough to carry us through this stretch of worse. I believed that with every ounce of my being. But then days became weeks, weeks became months, months became years. And the lines between who I knew I was, and who I was letting myself be for Nick became blurred.

I made small steps for myself, but they were cautious steps. Very meek; mild. Everything I did, or didn't do, was carefully thought-out and weighed against any potential effect it would have on the healing process of Nick. My mind was constantly "on". It was exhausting. I was exhausted. It just didn't seem worth it. I pulled away from all of my friends. I dropped all dreams I had for myself. I stopped trying. I gave up on me.

It was the very last day of last year that something shifted inside of me. I had felt myself slipping further and further away for months. Closer and closer to that depressive, suicidal, self destructive girl I used to be. I wasn't going to let that happen. I was finally honest with myself about the fact that there was nothing I could do to help Nick, but there was a whole helluva lot I could do to help myself. I shaved my head. Chose the word "trust" as my power word for the year. And I worked my ass off to overcome fear, and rediscover myself. I stumbled some, and fell back into the same self sacrificing roll I've been known for my whole life several times. It was a messy process, but I didn't give up. It was a hard choice to make... picking me. I knew doing so would likely end my marriage. But I held onto hope, knew I was worth it no matter what, and I chose me. I do wish that he would have stuck around to see that by choosing me; I was also choosing us. I couldn't help him, or give fully to our marriage if I wasn't whole first. But we didn't make it through the messy transition. Even knowing that... I wouldn't change the choice I made. I still choose me.

This separation leading to divorce has tested me. Of course. Through it all, though, I never felt I was losing touch with myself. On the contrary, I have felt a deeper understanding of who I am during these past few months. I've broken through a few hidden boxes I didn't even know were there. Going through something so gut wrenchingly painful can bring such an amazing sense of self awareness if you're listening. Open. Full of trust.

I've listened to this song almost daily since that challenge to find a theme song.
And I hoop my ass off to it constantly.
It sings to me.
Reminds me ...
Don't give up.
Don't let others define you.
Rock your shit your way!

I figured out how to take the negativity and turn it all around.

Check the Level  ~The Dirty Heads
Her name was Lily his was Todd
She was tall and he was odd,
And all the other girls said she was too fat for the squad
She just wanted friends yo
And he just wanted broads
I'd do anything for pussy, change my ways, I swear to god
He needs to straighten up
He isn't smart enough
I wouldn't be his date
He doesn't dress like us
Remember all the times that he got beat up on the bus
But what he learned from that was to be careful who you trust
He knew that they were wrong, so he took it with a yawn
He knew his time would come, yo, and he'd be moving on
So he locked himself inside a room, and started writing songs
You could catch him in the back of class singing all along like

Check the level cause somethings coming over me

Check the level cause somethings coming over me

Check the level cause somethings coming over me
Somethings got a hold of me always controlling me

It's in the audio

It's in the air

It's in the way you move
It's everywhere

It's something beautiful

That you don't know
So feel the audio

And let it go

Yo, well back to miss lily when she used to let the days pass
Sitting home alone sucking food up off her place mat
They used to call her fat, so she started losing weight fast
Got sick in debate class, to throw up what she ate last
She didn't know that the things they said that left her hurting
Would actually turn out to make her a better person
She locked herself inside her room got to the rehearsing
Walking down a runway in a dress she made from curtains
So she was slimming up
She was tall enough
She became a model, she was paid, and she was loved
See what they thought they knew about these two was givin up
Cause no matter what they said these two just didn't give a fuck

They had it all along they just figured it out
How to take the negativity and turn it all around
Now lily's turning heads up on the runway in Milan
And Todd is selling millions while his fans sing along like

Check the level cause somethings coming over me

Check the level cause somethings coming over me

Check the level cause somethings coming over me
Somethings got a hold of me always controlling me

It's in the audio

It's in the air

It's in the way you move
It's everywhere

It's something beautiful

That you don't know
So feel the audio

And let it go

It's the six string slayer, the rhyme cultivator
Picking home grown rhyme straight out the incubator
Cross fade to the right while I slide to the left
There's something coming over me controlling every breath
Gasping for air my fears burn through
If there's something in the audio then what they said was true
Full speed ahead code red phase two
The sound waves control the minds of me and you

It's in the audio

It's in the air

It's in the way you move
It's every

It's in the audio 

It's in the air

It's in the way you move
It's everywhere 

It's something beautiful

That you don't know
So feel the audio

And let it...

GO