August 13, 2012

Light My Fire

Posted by meli on Monday, August 13, 2012 in , , | No comments
I watched a meteor shower on Saturday night.
A spectacular meteor shower.
Seriously, it was spectacular.
The sky was lit up ... in spectacular fashion.
I've never seen so many shooting stars in one night.
I lost count after 25.
Twenty-Five shooting stars!
And that's just when I lost count!
That's amazing.
Big, and bright, and beautiful, and ... yes, spectacular.

this... clearly not a meteor filled sky.
I tried to take a photo of the brilliance, but all I ended up with was pitch black shots.
Sooo, this is a photo of Friday nights *spectacular* sunset, as seen from the bleachers of the lawn mower races.

Sitting under the night sky is something that he and I did together almost every night of the first 5 months that we dated; at which time he left for marine corps bootcamp. Before we moved in together (after only 3 months; and 17 years old) he lived only a 5 minute drive from my house, but it was way back in the outskirts of town - isolated from the city. One long, dark road leading in. And we pulled over on the side of that road often on the way to dropping him off at night (he didn't have a car; I drove). We watched the stars almost every night together.

These thoughts were definitely present on Saturday night as I sat under the same sky he and I shared countless times. The memories were right there with me, clinging. I waiting for the sinking feeling to wash over me. I waited for the grasp of loneliness to take hold. I waited for the emptiness to swallow me up. Nothing. Nothing but a smile. I sat in the bed of our truck, looking up at shooting star after shooting star, and I was able to smile over all of the stars shared and wishes whispered in our life together. Sweet memories. Happy memories. And I embraced them.

And I was also perplexed by them; by my reaction to them. Wondering when the gut wrenching darkness would overtake me. Would it be later that night. After I went inside. As I was curling up in bed ready to sleep. Would grief hit me then; robbing me once again of a decent nights sleep. These wandering wonder thoughts never lasted long. Just little blurps in an otherwise very peace filled night. The only reason these blurps were even there, I'm sure, is because I was so curious about this state of peacefulness under circumstances that I could only assume would render me beaten down and heartbroken... again.

No stomach churning sadness whatsoever.
I lied in my bed that night and felt nothing but contentment.

I've felt a deep sense of self love, self forgiveness, and peace in these past two weeks ... since that huge cry I blogged about here. I don't know why, or how, but there has definitely been a huge shift in me. I haven't put too much stock in it; I've had good days before. I've been downplaying and assuming this is just another part of the grief pendulum I'm swinging on, and I'm waiting for it to swing back down again. But it's real. And even if it does swing back down again at some point, it's here now, and will come back again. I believe that now.

Star gazing.
An activity that was so very dear to me and him;
it didn't bring me to my knees.
The sky was on fire Saturday night;
And my soul is on fire, too.
If the universe sent this to test the new found level of peace-ness I've found,
or to maybe show myself how far I've come;
I'm happy to say ... noted!

And just as I jumped over that self assuming hurdle; I find myself face to face with another. Bigger. Much bigger. Loaded with all the capabilities of knocking me back down to square one. Step one. Breath one. Staying present, and waiting to see what emotions come...


Post a Comment