August 17, 2012

Circle Back

Posted by meli on Friday, August 17, 2012 in , | 4 comments

So what does letting go and moving on look like?
It apparently involves skin, and cider, and hooping!
Other then that...
I haven't got the faintest of clues.
But here I am, doing it.
Happily even.
I'm having a damn good time rediscovering myself.

Before we go any further, that cider I mentioned up there? Yea, there's one or two in my belly at the moment. And I'm a drinking light weight. I refrained from drunk dialing; but drunk blogging is apparently something I'm ok with. Good to know ;-)

I had this truth bomb hit my inbox not too long ago...

Bring it up again if you need to. "Closed subjects" and "getting on with it" can kill revelations and breakthroughs. Be the person who circles back.

That... really resonated with me.

I have had a lot of breakthroughs and revelations recently, and looking back I can see the turning point ... like woah!

It was a few weeks ago. I had just gotten done writing a long heart felt message to him (a conversation that wouldn't happen in person because he's nearly on the other side of the country; and not on the phone because he didn't want to talk) expressing to him a few things I have realized about myself during this separation, things I was thinking about that could really benefit us as a couple, and telling him that I was still willing to try a few avenues we haven't yet tried in order to save our marriage; save our family. It was not an easy letter to write. I have abandonment issues. I have rejection issues. I have self-esteem and confidence issues. But, I also have issues with regrets, and I'm not willing to harbor any; even if that means being faced with abandonment, or rejection, or a hit to my self esteem. I didn't want to let this divorce sweep through so quickly without me saying "I love you; I think we can make this work", only to wake up 10 years from now wondering "what if". Perhaps he felt the same way, but assumed I was 100% done, and decided to stay quiet for his own reasons. It was a long shot; it was a gamble; but I was willing to roll the dice. And, as it turns out, he's not interested. For whatever reason (I'm not entirely clear what) he's not interested in trying, so okay.

I braced myself for the fallout I was sure would ensue within me. Ready for the breakdown. The nonstop tears. The screaming. The silence. I was ready to pick up the pieces I was sure I would crumble into, but I remained whole. And happy.


What the what?!

I was HAPPY! I mean, it sucked that I would be a divorcee after 15 years. It sucked that I was losing my best friend. It sucked that he didn't even want to *think* about trying. It sucked that my kids would be from a "broken home". It sucked that after 15 years together, the end of us was happening through messages, instead of face to face. It sucked. Big time. But also... I felt happy. Not happy because of his response, of course, every ounce of me wants my marriage to work. But because I didn't realize how much weight I was carrying around already with "what ifs" and silent hope. Opening myself up; speaking that hope instead of letting it remain silent was ... holy shit, it was freeing! I didn't let my fears hold me back from being true to myself. It didn't matter that he didn't feel the same way ... the simple act of expressing what I was feeling was grounding enough that I was able to handle the rejection; and come out the other end feeling happy.

Knowing is almost always better then not knowing, right? 
I think so. Knowing we are over; much easier to deal with then that silent hope that was smothering me. It's freeing! And while I don't know what moving on looks like; if it starts with a feeling of happy freedom having broken through self imposed chains ... I've got this in the bag.

I've had breakthroughs with my self love and self acceptance.
Revelations with my self esteem and my confidence. 
Big, huge breakthroughs since writing that message. 
Releasing my truth.
I've got my arms around myself, and I'm not letting go of me again!
I'm pretty cool to hang out with.
And grope. Ha!

And then that truth bomb hit my inbox.
Like it was meant for me. Written for me.
Only I had already done it.

I brought it up again. A "closed subject" ... I brought it up again. I circled back.

Validation that I'm on the path I am meant to be on?
Or a sign to circle around again at some point?

Which begs the question ... 
How many times should one circle a particular "closed subject" before they just cut ties?
When is THAT truth bomb coming?
Probably after I've figured it out for myself ;-)


  1. "How many times should one circle a particular "closed subject" before they just cut ties?"

    Personally, until you feel done and ready to acknowledge you deserve so much better than this. That was what it took for me anyway. One too many moments of realizing how demeaning and abusive his treatment was and that came, again for me, one after the other after he'd moved out and I gained the distance to begin recognizing them.

    And then I had a lot of processing to do to let it/us/him go. I ended up creating as I processed and I want to share with you it gets better with time. And then it gets good.

    But I also want to share that sometimes moments of awareness over what I lost and gain up in that relationship continue to come to the forefront of my awareness offering me yet more areas I can invite healing and release into.

    Keep hooping and enjoying your time with those great boys of yours and breathing... You're doing great <3

  2. I read an earlier post in which you said you would never feel that passion again. You may feel even more passion for someone else in your life. It's possible. . . It won't be that "first love" kinda thing, but trust me, it might be much better in a different kind of way.

    Hang in there. LG

    1. Thank you for this <3!!
      The passion I was referring to in a previous entry was not as much about passion for another person (I am such a deep, deep feeler, that I can't imagine myself NOT feeling a complete sense of love and passion again at some point), but I was rather referring to that passion I had for marriage. That may change as time progresses, but for now I just can't see myself having the same kind of passion for a subsequent marriage; and if that's the case ... I can't see myself ever entering into it again. Time will tell!

  3. Hey sweet lady,
    This message is a few months late and I know things are different right now. But coming from a different yet similar situation I want to tell you that I admire your spirit, your strength, your courage. As well as doing right now what feels right for you and your family. Keep looking Within. I know first hand how it feels to give in to the feelings but my boys keep me going making me want to be the best I can be.

    Keep on trucking!! <3