February 28, 2010

Funk, Funk, Funk

Posted by meli on Sunday, February 28, 2010 | No comments
I've been in such a funk lately.
My anxiety and depression weighing heavily on my heart and soul.
It can be so difficult; trying to live each day fully; when there is such a dark cloud hovering over head.
The waiting for that dark cloud to explode and destroy me is absolutely robbing me of my life. My freedom.
I feel chained to that cloud.
I know I have complete control over this. I know I do. Yet at times, I feel as though I don't.
Like I am stuggling against an unseen force.
A force hell bent on seeing me squirm. Seeing me suffer. Seeing me give up.
And then I realize ... that unseen force is me.
I'm struggling against and with myself.
Pushing myself.
Testing myself.
Waiting for me to give up and fail so I can say "see, told ya you were weak. Told ya you couldn't make it".
Realizing, again, that no matter what obstacle gets thrown in my path,
I am now and always have been my worst enemy.
I'm the one standing in the way of what I want. Of course I am.
I've always believed that. Always known that.
It's just finally to a point where it has eaten away enough of me that I'm raw and exposed now.
I know I've learned this lesson before, but apparently it's one I need to learn again...

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