October 8, 2009

Bring on the Party...

Posted by meli on Thursday, October 08, 2009 in , | 1 comment
... because I'm about to dish up a heaping serving of pity!

No, seriously, I really am. Nose deep in self pity mode at the moment, and I just don't feel like climbing out of it yet. I want to feel mad. I want to feel sad. I want to feel resentment, and hate, and burden, and every other negative feeling I can think of.

I don't want to feel guilty for wanting to complain. I don't want to "shut up and appreciate what I've got". Not right now, anyway. Right now I want to complain!

I want to cry, and never stop. Well, maybe that one isn't true. I've already been crying a great deal, and I have a massive headache to show for it. I hate headaches.
Ahh, there we go, more hatred!

I am in SUCH a bad mood... I'm sure you could tell.

About what? Well, about everything, in particular. How's that for sweeping generalizations? Ha!

About my husband. I'm just, I don't know... sick of it. So SO sick of it. I want a break. I want him to put his illnesses on hold and GIVE ME A BREAK! Some freedom. Some peace of mind. Some CALM! I know, I know, not possible... but goddammit, find a way and give it to me!!!

I just feel so... stuck with him. How shitty does that sound? See, right there, trying to make myself feel guilty for this bitch fest. I don't want that. I want to EMBRACE this bitch fest! For once I don't want to put a "hopeful" spin on this. I want to feel it for all it's darkness!

Honestly, I don't know if I stay with him out of love or out of fear. I just don't know anymore. It's probably some of both at this point, with no clear winner at any given moment.

It's hard to share this with people. Real, in the flesh people, I mean. They just don't see it. They're not exposed to the darker side. They see a man who is out at the park with his family, smiling, laughing, chasing the boys down the slide. They hear a social man who isn't shying away from conversations with them, but rather engaging in them. They see a man who loves his wife, and bends over backwards for her. And yes, while all of that is true, all of that is just a small small part of him now. It used to be all of him, and now it's just a fraction. A small fraction that I get to see every once in a while. So as much pain as I have inside of me, I hold back from in the flesh people. Fear and anxiety kick in. They aren't going to understand. They wont "get it". They'll see me as such a complainer, when really, it doesn't "seem" like I have much to complain about.

Rationally, I know these are all my own issues. My insecurities and anxiety. I hold back. Don't let anyone get too close. Don't want to feel like a bother or a burden. Don't want to be seen as, like I said, the complainer, fear of rejection, etc... it all holds me back. How can you complain about feeling so alone when you wont let anyone get close? Good question! I might not have reason to complain ... but I'm going to continue to do it anyway!

Speaking of in the flesh people, this sisterhood that I long for... I just don't see it happening any time soon. I don't have enough me to invest in one. I know I am a good friend. I know I am. But I haven't been one lately (and by lately, I mean yrs). I don't have the time or the commitment to give right now, and friends deserve nothing less.

Nick takes so much time, and energy, and planning. With kids to think about... I'm reluctant to make plans for fear I'm going to have to flake, and consistent flakiness does not a good friend make! I hate that flakiness has been used to describe me! Hate it!! It's not really possible for me to commit to much of anything, and when I do, I ended up feeling like a horrible friend, because I'll often have to cancel.

How is Nicks mood? Is he patient enough to stay with the kids tonight? Is he showing signs of his ptsd flaring? What about his sleepiness, how much time before the kids go to bed, does it seem as though he'll make it till then? How have the kid been today? Will their antics flare up Nicks anger?

The questions are endless. Even if everything lines up perfectly, and I feel confident in leaving him with the kids, there's always that fear. I know he can change in an instant. It doesn't matter what kind of signs he's showing (or not showing) before I leave, because as soon as I pull out of the driveway, they could vanish and be replaced by anger, and meanness, or a complete narcoleptic episode that the kids can't wake him from. And quite honestly, it often is. I often come home to learn there has been some big blow out over something or another, and then I feel an immense amount of guilt for putting any of them in that situation. It's becoming not even worth it anymore.

So where does that leave my friendships? Well, I don't know. Not very good, I'd say. It's seeming to be too much, really. A sisterhood someday, I hope... but I'm beginning to see why it hasn't worked yet. Let it go.

Why did this come about tonight...
My favorite band is in town tonight for a concert. A really dirt cheap concert, mind you, and I had SO been looking forward to this night for months. However, my inability to create many meaningful friendships equalled that even if I had felt confident in leaving the kids with Nick (which, now that it's here - it wouldn't have happened. He is passed out asleep, unable to wake himself for the 2 minutes it takes to listen to one of his children tell him something)... I didn't leave myself with anyone to go with. Spectacular lonely little life I've given myself.
Second helping of pity, please, with a side of cheese!

So, ok, why not get a sitter for the kids, and go to the concert with your husband? Sounds like a good solution, right?
Umm, yea, no thanks!!!
I'd like to do that about as much as I'd like to stick a cattle prod in my eye!
Nick can't handle crowds. He doesn't like tight places packed with people. His anxiety goes into over drive. He becomes super vigilant. His jaw becomes clenched, his temples vibrate, his eyes become darty, his hands ball up. Not a real fun energy to be around. It's miserable. He doesn't want to be like that. He wants to be in crowds and have a good time. He becomes intensely defensive if I mention to him that he seems tense, and we end up fighting. Just so not interested in that scene.

So, I miss out, again.
Feel trapped.
Resentment boils
And here I am ...
drove myself to the middle of Pity Town, USA!

Such is life.

*because I just can't stand it...
I am usually an optimistic, hopeful person.
This isn't normal for me, and it's certainly not normal for one of my blog post. I often start out complaining, but usually my hopeful nature kicks in, and I can see the bright side, the silver lining, the good. I know I could get myself there right now if I tried ... but I don't want to. I just want to wallow for a little while. Is that so wrong?

1 comment:

  1. I agree - you can wallow for a good amount of time, and writing all the bad feelings out is a good thing to do. I have a journal that I started in 8th grade that I still write in now and then and it is filled with this kind of stuff -when I am so mad and pissed and everything is WRONG - it goes in there and then I shut it and doen't read it again and I feel a little better and can get on with it.