October 24, 2011

Holistic Blogging

lake michigan

Some people ask me why I don't keep blog posts like that of 3 days ago private. If I need an outlet for such intense feelings (which I guess is socially acceptable *shrug), why wouldn't I choose to instead write them in a journal, or some other secretive place; just for me (anything else is socially unacceptable I guess *double shrug). Or at the very least ... why don't I just delete the psychotic post once I'm feeling better.

The simple answer is probably because I'm lazy. It's easier to keep everything in one place, right? Less confusion for me. And actually, even if that were the only reason; that would be good enough for me! *Cheers! I'm out!

But... that's not the only reason. *'Nother round, boys.

Some believe I'm just mean spirited and lashing out to hurt others in my time of despair and / or it must be my *unhealthy way of asking for help. I'll call bullshit on both of those blanket judgements. Reality is, sure, sometimes I'm lashing out, and sometimes I may be crying for help. Not in a high school "I'm going to go on my blog and verbally bash him; that'll show him, and THE WORLD, how much he hurt me ... maybe then they'll feel bad enough to actually care and help" kind of way. Please! I don't blog with the intention of lashing out OR crying for help; but in the depths of my frustration, both can come out while writing (or talking, or looking, or... we all do it). All times, though, I am being 100% me. The good and the bad. The happy and the sad. I'm on a journey, and I have chosen to document and share that journey through writing and photography ... authentically. The raw reality of my journey; without censorship. I don't share all of everything, but I do share a little bit of everything; The whole spectrum. It's colorful up in this bitch - you have to give me that!

I can't come on here and share only feelings of happy sunshine and roses; to do so wouldn't be honest, or responsible, or in line with my purpose. And anyway, it would bore me to the point of sticking forks in my eye sockets just for sport. Not cool.

I wouldn't want a woman in despair herself, looking for a connection or understanding, to stumble upon my blog and assume the false impression that I have it all together. That sure, I have xyz going on in my life, but I'm able to maintain a clean home, am raising well adjusted kids who don't have a problem in the world, and have a calm demeanor at all times. I have no desire to portray the picture of strength and class in moments of pure hell. It's not me. It's not my reality. I don't have it all together. Not even close! My life gets messy. Really, really messy. I have intense reactions to intense situations sometimes most of the time. And that intensity can absolutely get explicit. Fuck! It would be dishonest, and even irresponsible of me to pretend otherwise.

I've visited blogs that share stories but not journeys. Example ... A woman who may also be dealing with her husband walking out on her. Oh, a kindred spirit, I'll think ... and I'll immediately feel close to her. Wanting to get to know her. Wanting to cling to a connection, an understanding, a likeness. I'm all vulnerable and sinking, and here's this gift (sick and twisted to call another woman's husband ditching her a gift, I know, but stay with me). This precious gift from the universe of another soul walking this path with me. I'm not alone. I already feel comforted, so I start to read. She writes calm, well written, zen like post after post about her enlightenment and optimism. No mess. No anger. No sadness. No confusion. No worry. No pity. Pure class, 100% of the time. WHAT?! When I'm already feeling so vulnerable and broken and looking for understanding from others who are on the same roller coaster; and those are the only types of blogs I find ... I walk away feeling even worse about myself. A weak failure. I'm struggling to even change my socks on a weekly basis; and here's Miss Zen Poppins (the lesser known of the Poppin sisters) over here all meditated and blissed out. Home is sparkly clean. Kids are not affected by the loss because of her tireless devotion and attention to the little darlings. She doesn't have dark circles or puffy eyes. And there is no way she sleeps in his old t-shirts! What kind of pathetic frumpy loser I must be!

Yea yea yea ... you can't compare yourself to others, blah blah blah. I'll call bullshit on that, too. Because when you're vulnerable and lost and looking for a connection - it's hard to not be affected by a blissed out Poppins, am I right? I mean, sure, it's something we should all strive for; not comparing ourselves to others. The thing is... that can be trying in the best of circumstances; when we're filled with exuberant amounts of confidence bursting out of our ears, and our sense of self is top notch. But in bad moments, really really bad vulnerable sinking into ourselves moments; it's an uphill battle that you wont always win. Try for it, sure, but you wont always make it. So, yes, Miss Zen Poppins on her yoga mat while simultaneously whipping up a batch of "made from scratch" waffles for little johnny while also putting little becky's hair up into a perfect little french twist is, well, fucked up!

That's not me. Obviously. And I wont pretend it is. Not for me. Not for my children. Not for my readers. I am much more drawn to the 100% authentic, raw, gritty, organic blogs that aren't afraid to show their less then perfect sides ... like mine. I'm so thankful I have this space to turn to when the intense darkness starts setting in. It's great therapeutic help. And then to come back to this space and share when I've worked through my despair, and can again see the light. It's the whole; and anything less is not acceptable for me.

I'm calling it holistic blogging. Go forth and spread the word...


  1. True that...when the moments strike me to dig deeper, I do. I tell it like it is... Right now, I'm not in that space.

    I have been. Oh, how I have been. And woe to those around if there had been blogger back then, haha! Because unlike where you are just telling your story to gain perspective and find community, I think I would have been out for blood, haha. Maybe. Probably.

    Keep speaking your truths... Down with the naysayers!

  2. I'm sorry, maybe there is another anonymous (that would make sense, right...given the denotation of the word)--I've never commented on your blog before. There is no personal agenda here. This is personal on the level of ethical writing and publishing.
    When I referred to opening your mind, I really meant about the publishing aspect--not your truth or opinion.