August 25, 2009

Divine Sisterhood of the Traveling YaYa's ... (wait, no, that's not it)

Posted by meli on Tuesday, August 25, 2009 in | 1 comment

Is she blogging about Sisterhoods again?
Yes, my loves, she is!

As some of you may remember from my previous blog post, I've longed for a "deep and meaningful" sisterhood of friends. I miss it, I wish it, I crave it.

I do have some really good friends around me right now. Friends that I know I could call up in the middle of the night if I needed them. Friends that would and have been there for me as much as I would and have been there for them. Friends that I hope to have for a lifetime.

I have different friends, from different circles, and the relationships I have with these women separately are great ... as a whole, however, the void is still there. I haven't yet found that tribe like atmosphere that I long for. That group of strong women who honestly and deeply care about one another wholly. Sure, some in the group may be better friends with others, but as a whole, they all get a long. They share trust, respect, kindness, love... that's my dream. It's what I want.

You have to take the good with the bad ... I've been told. But you know what, I don't want to! Perhaps that makes me stubborn, childish, and a bit of a snob ... but honestly, I don't want to. When it comes to pouring my heart and soul into something, like a sisterhood, I'm not going to do it when there are people whom I don't trust lurking the borders. I'm guarded in that respect. As such, I don't have the level of trust and comfort and self assurance needed for the next level here. And as it stands, I don't know that it's going to be possible here.

As much as I am so absolutely not interested in the petty cat fight drama that can come with groups of women, it seems that I am right smack dab in the middle of some. It's getting so old. Really, so very damn old. So much so that I finally put an end to it, and removed myself from the situation. I've pulled away greatly. In theory, I had no "reason" to pull away. I wasn't the snakey and manipulative one. I didn't betray trusts. I didn't talk crap behind peoples back. I didn't take advantage of some really wonderful people. I didn't seek out ways to hurt. I could have stood my ground, and instead made the other person feel all uncomfortable and awkward, which would have made her retreat, but that just isn't appealing to me. THAT is what would make me feel stubborn, childish, and a bit of a snob. Instead I put some distance up. Distance that isn't fair to the other women in the group, and my heart aches because of it, but distance that I had to put up for myself.

I don't want to be around people like that, I have zero desire to. I mean, if push comes to shove... I am an adult, and I can be cordial if a situations come up, but I'm not about to knowingly and openly invite those situations any longer. This person hurt me, time and time again. This person is going out of her way to continue slinging jabs at me, even now. This person has negatively talked about and manipulatively used and taken advantage of people I care about. She's a self involved liar ... and I have no interest, whatsoever, in being around her.

What does that mean? Just what I started this blog post with ... I am longing for a sisterhood. One with trust, with kindness, with respect, with love. One similiar to this ... a blog I frequent.

Pie in the sky? Perhaps ... but I wont give up the dream!

1 comment:

  1. Don't give up my sweet friend. This is hard thing to find when your life revolves around moving BUT it will happen if it is what you want (I know this about you!!!) All is not lost my friend it is just not found quite yet. BIG HUG to you and all those "big" boys of yours (kittens too...don't forget the kittens!)