August 4, 2009

Dread-tastrophe... please pass the scissors, or not!

Posted by meli on Tuesday, August 04, 2009 in , , | 1 comment

After some major meltdowns over my hair (yes, there have been more since my last blog), I decided I needed to do some serious soul searching. Inward reflecting. Figure out exactly why I was becoming so completely unglued over HAIR! What I discovered was... I am a completely screwed up soul at the moment! Ha!

My dreads were (are) so messed up. Seriously. The continuous dying that I spoke of here reallllly did a number on them. Not so much chemically speaking, but having to rub and manipulate my hair to rinse the color out, over and over again, my roots became extremely loose. 4-5 inches of undreaded root hair in some areas... of course with a big dreaded knot at the bottom of that, so it wasn't like I could just re-backcomb it. And we're not talking little "dreaded" knots either. We're not talking normal "2 week old baby dreads" that are still all soft, and can be pretty easily picked apart or combed out. Nope, of course not. Through all of my taking them apart, redoing them, taking them apart, redoing them - coupled with some powerful locking accelerator sprayed on ... they were pretty damn strong and sturdy. Fully knotted, spongy feeling, cylindrical dreads were formed.

I couldn't just leave well enough alone, could I?
I really loved my dreads, and I couldn't leave them alone!!!
Now, they're just a huge mess. A really huge mess.

I can't leave them alone now. Just can't do it. With all the loose roots, they keep "mating" together, and I just do NOT have 3 hours a day to work on untangling my dreads, so they don't fuse together to form one giant super dread!

Sooo... the messing continues.

Can't count how many times I had scissors in my hand, ready to just chop the effers right on out of there! Crying would begin before I would actually pull the trigger. I was feeling so completely out of control over something that I had complete control over ... my hair! Silly little trivial HAIR!

So what came of the soul searching, you ask? Other then reminding myself how utterly screwed up I am at present? Why couldn't I leave my hair alone? Why couldn't I cut it off? Why couldn't I STOP CRYING ABOUT IT?

You don't have to read too far into my blog to understand a little bit of my lost soul. My marriage is (has been) falling apart for the past 6 years. Our children are indirectly suffering because of it. Our pay is still all messed up. The military is getting ready to kick my husband out, and we have no idea what kind of (if any) compensation we will receive... so little things like knowing if we'll have a roof over our heads and food to eat are somewhat of a GIANT question mark in our very near future. I'm feeling so totally trapped... stuck. Not sure which way to turn, no clue on how to make things right. I'm not yet at a place where I'm able to take control back. I'll get there, I'm sure of it, just haven't yet. I feel so out of control regarding our situation. Delving into that is a whole 'nother blog post in itself. Bottom line - I don't feel in control of too many things right now.

My hair. THAT was something I could control. I could mess with it, and mess with it, and mess with it. No one could stop me. I kept seeing things wrong with my dreads (even the tiniest little "out of place" hair was so blown out of proportion in my mind), and decided if I could just get THAT fixed, they'd be perfect and I'd be happy. So I continued trying to fix and perfect. Only, each attempt was making it worse. The worse it got, the more desperate I became to "fix it". I couldn't quit. I couldn't give up. I had to make it right. I had to fix it.

I knew how crazy my hair was making me. I was crying. I was bitchy. I was spending WAY too much time trying to "fix it". Like I said, I decided time and time again to just cut it off, because at least then it would be gone, and I would stop obsessing about it. Only even the thought of cutting it off seemed to set me deeper into my meltdown. I couldn't do it. I couldn't cut it off. That would be me quitting. Admitting defeat. Failing! I couldn't do that. I couldn't let myself fail.

What I came to realize is that I had projected so much of my life onto my hair, fixing my hair meant fixing my life ... failure to fix my hair meant failure with everything else ... my marriage, my children, my life. Failure wasn't an option I would be able to accept, though I wasn't realizing I would feel like I was failing at the time. I couldn't figure out why I was so feeling so bad. This thing, this hair, had caused so much turmoil - why couldn't I just cut it off, get rid of it. Why was the thought of that making me feel worse. It seemed the more I tried to make myself take the scissors and start snipping, the more awful I felt. I wasn't acknowledging WHY I was feeling so obsessive and unhappy. I hadn't yet connected the dots. I was thinking I was absolutely off my rocker. WHY was I letting my HAIR make me so upset.

When I finally stopped to breathe, I realized how little it all had to do with my hair. My hair situation just happened to be a prime dumping ground for everything I was feeling about, well, everything.

As soon I realized that, I felt a sense of calm wash over me. Ahhh... I'm not crazy. I'm not some trivial vain bitch who cries because her hair isn't perfect. It was never about my hair! I'm crazy because of many other things... my hair not being one of them! Ha!!

So, my soul feels better. Not great, not even good, but better. I feel lighter. More calm; More peace.

What does that mean for my dreads? Through it all, I royally effed them up... I mean, seriously so. Hubby and I are going through the long process of combing them out (and since our pay is STILL not fixed, we can't afford the dread remover cream, so "combing them out" for us consists of dipping my head in a vat of oil, and then taking an hour to try and loosen up ONE dread - losing 1/2 of my hair in the process. Hubby is much better at taking his time to gently pull them apart strand by strand, so I'm not losing hair at all anymore. Good man!). I could still just shave it off (it's actually something I really would like to experience one day ... I just can't do it now. Can't admit dread defeat yet. I might understand my obsessive behavior better now, but I'm not completely cured) I'm not feeling desperate about the situation any longer. I'm not feeling an obsessive need to fix them, and FIX THEM NOW, or I'll be deemed a quitter (by myself) and the entire process will just be screwed F.O.R.E.V.E.R.!!! I have half of my head still dreaded (super long loose roots and all), and the other half is combed out, quite fashionable, no?! lol.

If my hair isn't too thin after all the combing out, I do believe I'll be re dreading it again. Maybe not immediately, but I think soon. I think I'll feel better about my situation with them then I would without them, if that makes any sense to any of you non crazy people?! Of course, taking a loooong break from the process may be the more healthy route to take, instead of continuing to hold onto the feelings of being a quitter and a failure, but I don't think that's me. I just feel I'll be able to work through my issues a little easier if my dreadlock dream being squashed, by my own hand, isn't something that is weighing on my mind. Maybe not, who knows!

Plus, if my soul has been opened up this much in just 2 weeks of the "emotional dreadlocks journey" ... what else is in store for me? I don't know, but I don't think I want to miss it!

1 comment:

  1. I knew it. I really had a feeling you were projecting your thoughts, worries and feelings into your hair. Great way to deal with it. Control is nice to have in some place. I don't feel like I have any, waiting to hear when hubby comes home from deployment, waiting, in constant flux...

    You know, I would totally shave my head if I were in your shoes. Because it is like a fresh start. Its not admitting defeat, it is knowing that sometimes you need to start over. It is such a liberating feeling to have NO hair to take care of. So while you are pondering it all, add that in to the mix.

    Its not giving up, or admitting defeat. Its a fresh start, a new perspective.