December 2, 2009

it's not the dreads fault

Posted by meli on Wednesday, December 02, 2009 in , | No comments

My dreads are two months old (well, they will be tomorrow). Still very new and ever changing. Making them so easy to pick on. I had a feeling this would happen. Atleast I was prepared for it this time ... Able to recognize and curb the crazy before it took over.

Over the past week I've found myself disliking my dreads more and more. Having urges to fix this or to fix that. Even tempted on a couple of occasions to just take them out ... resigned to the fact that this journey obviously isn't for me. And knowing that taking them out this time would be a helluva lot easier and quicker then it was the first time (they're much older this time, but not nearly as thick, strong, and formed as last from all of my poking and prodding) made it all the more tempting.

But, my dear readers, I am happy to report that I recognized the distress for what it was. Again, not at all about my hair (well, maybe a little... lol), but more about the disarray that my/our lives are in. Knowing how close to divorce we were just a short week / 2 weeks ago. Seeing how that alone has affected our children, and wondering how the sudden merge together again will affect them. Being hit with the news of cancer, but not yet knowing the full extent of it. Waiting on more testing, while forcing ourselves to remain positive and grateful, and not always succeeding in that. Searching for the right way to tell the children when all the answers do finally come in. Really hoping and praying that this is the "thing" Nick has been praying for for years to give him the strength and confidence he needs to turn his life around, but being utterly anxious and terrified that I am walking face first into hell, again... putting my heart and those of my children on the line to be destroyed, again. All the while asking for a level of strength and courage and humbleness that I'm not sure if I posses. It's easier to just throw all of those feelings into, again, my hair. But, not this time!! These are all feelings I need to accept and face, not hide behind. My anxiety will NOT get the better of me this time. I'm on to myself, muah ha ha ha!

The additional testing has been scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully on Friday, early next week at the latest, we'll have more answers. That alone is a relief and something to be grateful for. Soon... soon we'll know.

Where this leaves my dreads ... I may not be overly satisfied with them right now, but I do still love them. I know that patience and time is all that is needed for these bebes to grow into the beauties I know they can be. Until then, all the loose, curvy, loopies are becoming beautiful to me.


Post a Comment