Deliberate Steps... "do it for the vote" tour

Posted by meli on Tuesday, July 10, 2012 in family, marriage, mental heath | No comments

Yoga kicked my ass this morning, hard! My legs still feel a bit wobbly... hours later. Doesn't help that I haven't done much resembling exercise in almost 7 weeks. Reeeally doesn't help that I've been comfort eating my way to about 20 extra pounds in those same 7 weeks. My wrists aren't used to holding all of that up; sorry sweet wrists.

I've been being really gentle with myself during this transition. Allowing myself to just be; to feel whatever emotion comes to the surface and sitting with it. Sometimes eating with it, haa.

I'm feeling more and more ready and able, now, to take deliberate steps into my new life. Starting with yoga this morning; and it really truly kicked.my.ass!


Painful and uncomfortable, inspiring and open. I don't scare easily ;-)

Not to say that I've found the "other side" and am emerging through it. I've not really thought about it in those terms. I don't think I am. I don't really know; having never been through something this life altering before, but I'm still really raw, vulnerable, hurt, angry, lonely, and so very disappointed. Disappointed that I wasn't able to figure out a way to hold this family together. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I still wish for that outcome daily, numerous times daily, actually ... this family somehow finding a way to piece itself back together, whole. Maybe. Since I was a little girl, having a strong nuclear family was my biggest dream. And the suffocating feeling I get when I think of that being broken is almost unbearable. So this "other side", while I don't know what it is supposed to look like or how it's supposed to feel; I can't imagine it's this. I'm not there. Not yet. But I am also feeling strong, and capable, and full of love and appreciation. If each day is bringing me closer and closer to my leaving this earth; I want to embrace each one, fully present and open. Letting new dreams fill me up, and taking slow, deliberate steps toward them.

There's a music festival in California the beginning of August that Nick and I were hoping to attend with the boys. While I don't want to go there myself with the kids, I am thinking of possibly arranging for the kids to stay back while I go by myself. It's scary, but I know it could be so very good and healing for me. As I may have mentioned in previous posts; I'm broke as shit, haa, so I've entered this photo contest to win a pair of tickets to the festival (which would make my being able to go at least attainable; that is if I'm able to leave the boys ... which is the biggest and hardest obstacle in my way). Sooo, I'd love it if you'd hop over and vote for my photo. It's a Facebook page vote that you can find here. Look through the photos until you see my hooping collage and vote. You can vote once a day, and I'll love you to the moon and back. Share it on your wall, too ... cuz I'm worth it <3

Much love and many hugs to all of you for your kind gentle words and support during this time. It means more to me then I'll ever be able to express, but get anywhere near me and I'll hug the shit out of you <3
I love you all!