... that is what I've lost

Posted by meli on Tuesday, July 31, 2012 in marriage | 2 comments

I showed up.
I fought.
I lost.

But I loved.
Oooh, I loved.
First love. A love I will never again experience.
Marital love. A love I will likely never again experience.

I believed in marriage. I believe in marriage. From the depths of my soul I believe in it. Two people, working together, fighting through obstacles and overcoming. Waking up, everyday, and choosing each other. Over and over again. Forever. I believe in it. And I can't see myself entering it again. Not to spare myself this kind of hurt; though that seems like a pretty damn good reason right now while I'm in the midst of it. No... to feel that kind of love again I would risk this hurt a thousand times over. That's not it. Knowing that it didn't last forever. Knowing that there is a breaking point. A turning a point. A point in which you actually do walk away. You don't just think about it. Or talk about it. Or threaten it. You actually do it. You walk away, and it's over. I can't see myself entering into it again. I wont have the same passion. The same confidence. The same fight. I can't give half of myself to something I fully believe in. It's not who I am. An obstacle comes up, and instead of every last ounce of my being knowing that we will get through it because our love is strong, our vows are forever, and we don't have the option to bail ... now there will be a piece of me that knows that isn't true. The option is there. It's been exercised. Awakened. Fed. It's there. All of me will never again be able to hold the steadfast belief that it's not an option for me. Because, it already was. Maybe not by my choice. I'd give almost anything to have my family whole again. But my circumstances, my decisions, my actions ... I helped lead us to this. I helped the wheels continue to spin in this direction. I helped make this our reality.

Marriage; I believe in it. I root for it, always. I hold fairytale hopes and dreams about it. I love being a wife. I even love the word "wife". Hearing it fills me with such a light happiness. And I don't think I ever want to experience it again.

And that...
along with my best friend
my childhood sweetheart
my nuclear family
...that is what I've lost.




***I know it's very early in the process. I know I'm making blanket statements. I know my exact reasons for feeling like I couldn't or wouldn't enter a marriage again are the very reasons that may make a second marriage stronger. Knowing it's breakable can obviously make you work harder. I know. But I don't believe it. Not now; and I write in the now***