You know that moment between sleeping and just waking up. The moment you can hear the day being started by those who woke before you, yet you're still living in your dream world. A dream world that feels so vivid, so real that you can't distinguish between the two. The lines between real and fake are so blurred. The moment when the two worlds collide and feel as one. The in-between.
In that moment I can feel so safe.
So warm.
So happy.
And I will myself to lie still.
Be still.
Don't move.
Don't lose this moment.
Hang onto it.
Be still.
And then you feel your eyelids getting less and less heavy. The dream you were living in becomes foggy. Distant. The outside noises become louder. Present. The lines between real and fake turn more clear. That moment when you're smacked in the face with truth. With reality.
In that moment I can feel so defeated.
So weak.
So hopeless.
So unwanted.
And I will myself back to sleep.
Be still.
Keep your eyes closed.
Sleep.
Sleep.
I think I figured it out. That's why I'm having trouble sleeping at night. That in-between, that collision, it feels so real, and I want it. Being slapped with my reality just moments later; it hurts. A lot. And it's repeated... daily. No kidding I'm instinctively working to escape such a constant state of pain. If I don't sleep there are no dreams with which I will be forced to wake up from.
I'm so tired.
Maybe now that I've figured this out; put words to it... maybe I'll be able to work through it. I played the denial and avoidance game; I know it doesn't work. Apparently my instincts. Or my subconscious. Or my self protective shell didn't get the message. Facing the ugly truths, no matter how much hurt they bring. Being present and honest with my feelings. That works. It's long, and hard, and messy, and ooooh so painful. But it's the way.
Not forcing, just listening.
I'm so tired.
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