Mama, I'm comin' home ...

Posted by meli on Thursday, July 09, 2009 in dread-tastic, marriage, military/retirement | No comments

Ahh, yes, that graphic perfectly sums up my feelings at this very moment. There's almost no need to actually blog! lol

I said almost...

I need to start blogging again. Yes, NEED! And no, that is not dramatic in the least, :-P

So much is going on in my life, so much that I can't control, so much that I can't make sense of ... my mind is beginning to give up. Can't let that happen. I need this space to purge my thoughts, my feelings, my sense of being. Need it, Need it, Need it!!!

I guess I'll start with Nicks work situation, since that's where my last blog post left off...
He got his rank back. We had a mtg with his dr and some of his work people. The decision was made in that meeting that Nicks rank had been taken away unfairly, without knowing his full medical history, and they would immediately overturn the demotion. So, he got his rank back ... however, our pay is STILL fucked up!!! Yea, it took them NO time at all to process the demotion paperwork in order for them to pay us less, but when it comes to processing the paperwork to restore rank, and up our pay again, well ... that "takes time". Fucking punks! Ugh. I am so sick of the military controlling our lives. Sick.Of.It! So, we're really struggling, financially, right now. Sucks! But, whatever, we'll get through it. It's only money, right? We'll be getting back pay for all of this when they finally do get it sorted out, so that will be nice. I already have that chunk of money spent in my mind (ahem, dreadlocks, ahem)! lol

OK, now onto the real struggles I'm experiencing right now. Nick and I, we're not doing too well. Found out last week that he is still stealing our money and lying to me. As much as my gut was telling me that was exactly what was going on, I made myself shrug it off and give him the opportunity to show real change.

Such a fool!

Me, I mean.

I just don't know where my head is regarding any of this right now. I can't make sense of it. I'm all over the place. One minute I hate him to his very core, and the next I want to wrap my arms around him and hold him tight. Neither one of those extremes feel real, they don't reflect what I'm living, what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling.

He is so very depressed. And I know how depression works. I really do. When I step back, take myself and our kids out of the equation, and look at him completely objectively - my heart aches for him. He is hurting so much. Stumbling around in the dark, not knowing his way, not being able to trust anyone - especially himself. I know how those feelings can lead you to self destruct in so many different ways. Objectively, I know that him stealing money and lying to the people who love him has absolutely no relation to how much he cares for said people. Objectively, I know that his love and care isn't in question by his depressed, self destructive actions. However, when I see the situation wholly, me and kids included, I get so so SO upset! We have lived this exact same scenario for so many goddamn years now. It gets harder and harder for me to convince myself that he does, in fact, still love our family. That he does, in fact, still care. I just don't feel it right now, and I am struggling hugely with that.

I am an extremely emotional and compassionate person. A natural caregiver. I take on everyone elses problems so deeply and passionately. When I can't help, I often internalize and feel guilty. Good and healthy for me? No, not at all... but it's me.

So, Nick isn't getting better, and I am picking myself apart for all the things I could have/should have done differently over the years. Blaming myself. And quite frankly, that is PISSING ME OFF!!! But do I stop? Nope! And that's not all of it ...

More negative self talk that is going on ... I have a very strong intuition / gut feeling, and very rare is the occasion where it's wrong. Over the years, with Nick, I have made myself ignore my gut much more then not. Especially as of late (the past year). I'll talk to him about my feeling, he'll, of course, deny any wrong doing. He'll give his plethora of excuses to back up that denial ... all the while raising my suspicions even more ... yet I still decide, time and time again, to ignore my feelings, and press forward. Often telling myself that his shady behavior (nervous demeanor, shifty eyes, red face, tone of voice, etc, etc, etc) was caused by all of the guilt he has inside of himself for all of the years of hurt he's caused our family. When questions are asked that bring back all of the memories of those past mistakes, of course he's going to feel bad and guilty all over again, and those feelings are going to reflect in the way he looks and acts while answering questions. Stupid and naive? Yes, I know.

Day after day, week after week, month after month of my gut screaming at me, and his shadiness, it gets near impossible to shrug it off ... and we'd often end up fighting. Me accusing him of xyz, and him adamantly denying all of it. Big fights. Lots of yelling. Him crying. And it would always end in me feeling SO horrible. Berating myself for being such a bitch. For accusing him without anything to back up my accusations other then some "gut feeling". I would rip myself a new one, each and every time. A little piece of me has been dying, each and every time.

Eventually the truth does come out, and it's proven that he in fact has been sneaking around, stealing, lying, etc. I wasn't wrong with my feelings. I wasn't ever wrong in any of my accusations. Yet, I feel no sense of relief, no calm. The abuse I had put myself through - damage done.

What makes it worse? He knows that about me. He knows what I've been putting myself through. I've verbalized to him many times in the past couple of months how guilty I make myself feel. How bitchy I tell myself I am. How sad and depressed I feel myself becoming. Many of those conversations were had with me sobbing uncontrollably. Did he come forward, during any ONE of those conversations, to say "You know, honey, I know you are beating yourself up for accusing me of xyz, and you don't deserve that. You're not bitchy, you're not crazy... your feelings are real, they're true. I have been fucking up again. Everything you've accused me of is true". Did he do that??? NO! He sat there and let me continue hating on myself, crying myself to sleep, watching it get harder and harder for me to pull myself out of bed. I mean, yes, he did tell me not to blame myself. He did tell me none of it was or is my fault. He did tell me I had every right to accuse him, even without proof, because that's all he's shown me for so many years. Told me he understands why I don't believe him, blah blah blah. But he never confirmed that my feelings and my accusations were real. He just went on denying each and every one of them. He continued to make me believe that I was crazy! Crazy for feeling so strongly that he was destructing, and bringing us down with him again. He knew how I was feeling, and he used to it to his advantage. He used it against me. Ugh, I hate him so much for that!

Again, objectively, I know that all of his crap has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. It's just hard, really hard, to believe that most of the time. I'm not in a good place. I need to do some serious self healing. I've been really inwardly focused these past couple of days, and I do feel progress is being made with my mind, my heart, my soul ... though a long road still awaits me. I'm getting better, feeling stronger. Doing what I need to do to help ME at this point. I've been so focused on helping HIM for so long, and putting myself aside. That self neglect has really taken it's toll on me, and I am now going to work on me. I do have guilt about that, don't get me wrong. Guilt about putting him on the back burner and focusing on me. And yes, I know how silly that sounds. I know that I can be of NO help to ANYONE if I'm not in a good place myself. I know that. Again, it's just tough convincing myself to embrace that fact, ya know. Nick will get better in time, I am sure of it, he's not there yet. Me continuing to neglect myself is not helping, it's actually harming every one. I don't like feeling bad about myself. I don't like feeling guilty. I don't like staying in bed for days at a time. I know I have the strength and the determination needed to pull myself out of this self abusive hole I through myself into ... and I am taking on the challenge.

"Mama, I'm comin' home..."

Ahhh, just writing this as helped immensely. I'm walking away from the computer with smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye.