Climbing Out

Posted by meli on Monday, May 19, 2008 in marriage | No comments

I've been twirling around in the dark for a while now. Having so much to talk about, but not wanting to let those feelings out. Being so sad, and feeling so alone. While things are still really very unsettled, I am finally letting myself see a bit of light again, feel some warmth.

I had a miscarriage. We weren't exactly trying, but it still hurts.

Actually, Nick (my husband of 10 years) and I have been fighting quite a bit lately. And that is very much an understatement. So much so that when I found out I was pregnant, I wished it away. I asked for it not to be true. I asked for it to just go away. I remember very clearly thinking "ok, a heart isn't beating yet. If this just goes away, if my body just makes this go away, it'll be fine. There's not *really* a baby there yet, just a mass of tissue trying to form into a baby".

I got exactly what I was asking for, and the amount of guilt I am feeling is unbearable. I am very much pro-life. I would never do anything to "kill" my baby ... but I am feeling as though I did just that.

I'll be ok. I have just been taking some down time to really let myself heal from this. Allowing myself to feel all of this feelings (no matter how irrational) I am having, so I'm able to really work through them and move on.

I'm climbing out. Slowly but surely I AM climbing out.