July 25, 2008

Shining Through

Posted by meli on Friday, July 25, 2008 in , | No comments
I suppose it's time for an update, eh?

Things are getting better. They're not "perfect", not even close, but better.

The night of July 2nd, into the morning of July 3rd Nick and I had a pretty gut wrenching, emotional conversation. What came out of that was a decision to try marriage counseling, moreso because of the kids then anything else. We decided we needed to take this one last step to try and fix us because our kids deserve nothing less then BOTH of us trying EVERYTHING. I know a lot of people don't agree with making decisions based on the kids, but I do. These boys didn't ask to be here. They didn't ask for their parents to let their marriage get so bad. And they certainly don't deserve the impact of divorce without both their Mom and Dad doing everything under the sun to prevent that. No amount of telling me otherwise will change my mind about that. It's what my gut tells me, it's what my heart tells me, and it's what my head tells me.

It's been a little over 3 weeks since that conversation, and honestly, things are better between us now then they have been in at least 4 years. We've had a few pretty heated arguments during the past 3 weeks, but we were able to hash them out before they turned ugly ... a skill we had lost during the last several years. We've been pretty happy together during this entire 3 week stretch, which quite frankly, I didn't think was possible anymore. As sad as it is, our last several years together were mostly spent in anger and solitude. If we were happy for a two day straight period - that was like, the best! And the "best" didn't happen too damn often. How sad is that? We both became so accustomed to pushing the other away, putting up walls, and playing both the blame game and the "prove it" game.

Yes, it took the kids to, in a sense, make us feel "forced" into giving this one more shot. That was a common goal that we share. That was what connected us again. That was what got our heads back into the game. Nick and I do still love each other - completely. We do want our marriage to work. No, not FOR the kids, but yes, the kids were the main (and maybe only at the time) reason we decided to try again. You have to do what works.

Our first counseling session is on Monday, and honestly, I'm a bit nervous. I'm a pretty open book with my feelings. Nick knows just about everything I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, what I need from myself, from him, etc. During these past 3 weeks he is absolutely MUCH more open with me, which is no easy feat for him, but I'm still fearful that there is so much more inside of him that he hasn't let out yet. Things that can and will hurt me, him, us. It just has my nerves all up in arms right now... but, if there are things in there, no matter how hurtful, they do need to come out so that we actually have a chance. So as nervous and fearful as I am, I'm also very optimistic and filled with hope!


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