I am often faced with challenges that shake me to my core, and force me realize the strength I have inside myself. I have more often then not thought of myself as weak. As not able to handle conflict, struggle, challenge. As a quitter ... running when things got tough. Now, I can't tell you WHY I've felt that way about myself. I can't think of a single time that I ran when things got tough. I can't think of a time that I was unable to work through conflict, struggle, and challenges. But all the same, I've viewed myself as weak for a great majority of my life.
3 1/2 years ago I was faced with the biggest obstacle in my life. I wanted to run ... I wanted out. But, I didn't. I thought "running away is easy, sticking around to try and work through this - on the off chance that we make it... that takes courage". I stayed, and it was in that decision that I had felt real pride in myself for the first time! Although that same decision also has me feeling, at times, ashamed, weak, pathetic, etc, etc, etc ... it is a decision I will never regret. The feeling of pride was strong. It was the catalyst that lifted me up out of my severe depression and self hatred. It was the step up I needed to see myself through a new set of eyes. It changed my life entirely!
I am a strong a woman! I have a strong heart, a strong mind, and strong capable hands that are able to help my family get through the darkest of hours. I am emotionally reactive, and often don't believe in myself, but when I'm able to step back, breathe, gather my thoughts ... I know I have been faced with so many challenges because I'm fully capable of steering through them. I am!
There are some that aren't at the same point in their lives right now. I am specifically talking about my husband. A wonderful, wonderful man that has lost his way. While, from the outside, it looks as though I am getting a bum deal, and should just cut my loses (how much can and should one person take... a very valid question and worry), from the inside, I can't help but think perhaps we were brought together by fate (and not in the christian godly sense, mind you ... soul mates, perhaps? been here done this before? I don't know) because I AM able to endure. I am able to see past the initial hurt and betrayal that I feel, and look deeper. See the desperation he's living, feel the screams for help, and know that I am fully capable of taking it on. I am able to pull myself together and let my strength lead the way.
I don't know what I'm going to do... but I do know that I have enough strength, courage, and willingness to do what it takes! Whatever that is.
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