Where have I been?
Ahh... valid question. One that I've been asked many times.
Truth be told, I've been here, waiting.
Waiting for what?
Now THAT's the real question.
It just keeps going from bad to worse. I've been waiting for that cycle to dissapate. Waiting for something positive to share. There's been nothing. I mean, of course there are good positive things that happen through-out the course of the day, just none that hold my attention long enough to blog about. It seems my entire soul of energy is spent hanging onto the good positive moments (if for no other sake then the children's), that as soon as they go to bed, I am spent. 100% spent. I can't describe the lifeless, hopeless, drained feeling I have at the end of each god foresaken day.
See... do you see why I haven't been blogging? How irritatingly frustrating is it to listen to some chick blabber on about her pathetic sham of a life when she isn't doing a fucking thing to change it?
Quite frustrating, my friends. Quite frustrating indeed.
I know this isn't the update you've all been waiting and hoping for. And on a pretty big level, I've been holding back not wanting to disappoint. I know what people want to hear is that Nick is doing better; Our family is re engaging; We're getting through this and growing stronger in the process. I know I haven't been able to say that with any kind of honesty, so instead I wait. I say things like ... "ok, this week was a wash, maybe next week will be better. Our friends and family deservingly want updates... no need to disappoint and worry them now, next week will be better; I'll be able to share with them then".
Yea, not so much. It doesn't get better around here. We're either in a state of complete dilusion and denial, so we can fake happy while being in proximity of each other for the kids ... or we're brutally honest and it's hell. Kick you in the gut, stabbing heart pain, elephant on your chest, choke on your tongue suffocation kind of hell when we're around each other.
I'm not getting better.
He's not getting better.
Ok, ok, i suppose that's not entirely true. His edges have softened a bit. I'm not getting screamed at, not having things thrown at me, and not being sucker punched anymore. He's on medication to tame that beast. But the problems and issues that are a'plenty within him ... he's not working on them. He's still the same person, just a more tame medicated version of him.
I've grown to despise him.
My compassion and empathy has turned into disgust and pity.
SO WHY THE HELL WONT I LEAVE?!
Fear, plan and simple. I'm scared shitless.
Pathetic, Weak, and a Coward.
Yep, that about covers it.
Ooh, Ooh, and guess what?
My FUCKING car wont start!!!!!!!!!!
I've already mentally trapped myself here... the lack of transportation, no way out, it's TOO MUCH!!!
I do believe I'll come back and edit this later, but for now ... there's some uncensored rawness for ya!
Worth waiting for? I know it wasn't, and I'm sorry.
Also, probably shouldn't waste your time calling ... I'm too knee deep in my self pity party to feel like answering.
Cue the music...
"I HATE THE WORLD TODAY"
Melissa it hurts me deeply to know you and the boyz are still going through this hell. You know you ALWAYS have an out, all you have to do is ask. If and when you feel like talking, I am always here for you. I love you and the boyz more then life itself. Love, Mom
ReplyDeleteI admire you for being able to write this. Teach me to let it out
ReplyDeleteTeach you to let it out; lets see...
ReplyDeleteI had tell myself that my feelings were valid, and true (even if just in the moment), and deserved to be felt freely and honestly without shame or judgement (of other people, or of myself). I had to make myself believe I had a right to express myself, and I had to give myself a safe place to do just that.
Our feelings deserve a voice, and an external review in one way or another (friendships, therapy, journaling, etc). Otherwise they're just pent up inside of us, all internal, swirling around and around ... making us go CRAZY!