October 29, 2010

I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone (literally)

Posted by meli on Friday, October 29, 2010 in , | No comments

photo taken on our way out to hilton head island a couple of weeks ago.
i love sunsets.

Wow, what a mouthful yesterday, right?
That had to have been building for a while.
My car not starting (without the normal jump from a neighbor) pushed me over the edge, and I exploded ...

I feel better, and I again credit that to having a space where I can unload my feelings. Though I do feel more censored in what I express here now, with so many family members that read. It's not like my older blogs. Blogs that I didn't share with anyone I knew. Blogs where I felt 100% free to express the deepest parts of myself, without fear of being judged, because, well, noone knew it was me. I no longer have that feeling, but I'm working on it. I love blogging. The therapeutic feeling it gives me is unmatched (and free! lol).

So now that I've spiraled back down to earth; clawed myself out of the pity part ditch I chucked myself into; seeing clearly again through the fog that overcame me ... I'm going to elaborate a little more, give a little more well rounded update.

No, things aren't peaches and cream here.
We're a family in crisis trying to find the other side, things aren't going to be rosy.

Nick is working on his problems with therapists, group meetings, books, etc. Yesterday I made it sound like he wasn't doing anything to get better. He is ... he works on his issues, but the center of his whole being, fear ... it over takes him. He lets fear absolutely control his life, and it washes away the hours of work each day that he is putting in to work on the very issues that fear is creating. So, it doesn't feel as though it's getting any better, at all. We're still facing all the same crap because he's still letting fear run our lives. The work that he's doing is helping him to recognize that this crippling fear is controlling him, instead of the other way around ... but that hasn't done a whole helluva lot to confront and attack it. To stop letting it railroad himself, me, the kids.

It's a process, right? I'm tired of hearing that. I really am.
I've been working double time for many years, by myself, to get us through the muck and keep this family together. I'm exhausted. I'm hanging on by a fingernail. The last thing I want to hear is that it's a process! I don't want to quit. I don't want to walk away. Just not sure how much longer I have in me. I'm losing hope. I'm losing patience. I'm losing love.

But again, a million times better then yesterday.
Based on that explosion of feelings that were building up in me for some time... I've obviously pulled away from this.
I've obviously shifted from doing what it takes to help us through this, to doing only what it takes to keep us afloat.
Survival mode.
Perhaps I need to overcome MY fear of being hurt by him again, and reengage, reconnect, recommit.
Maybe that model of example will inspire and give him the confidence he needs to do the same.
It's worth a shot, right?

It's been rainy for days ...
nice surprise to see the sun shining when I woke up this morning.
Gonna take that as a sign, and smile!


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