May 29, 2012

My Rollercoaster

Posted by meli on Tuesday, May 29, 2012 in , , , | No comments
I intended to sit here and write about the amazing time we had at our first unschooling conference, LIFE is Good, but instead this came out... 
(I'll post another entry with the photos and possibly a video or two of our time there. All trauma aside; it was a fantastic experience!)

scary as this new chapter looks and feels right now;
I'm finding peace, comfort, and strength in knowing that I will find my way through it...

There is a shift happening in my family. It has been coming for a while, but we tried to forge ahead while holding onto hope. Seems as though hope ran out after day 1 of the LIFE is Good unschooling conference. Shit hit the fan, and I walked around the remainder of the conference in a distracted fog. I wasn't as social as wanted to be, and didn't make the connections I had hoped for. But being in such a safe, warm, friendly space while walking through the vulnerability I was feeling really did help immensely. And the dancing. Oooh, the music and dancing. What an outlet for raw emotional upheaval, lemme tell you!

I wasn't the only dealing with the trauma unfolding before us. My children were right smack in it, too. And again, the distraction of the conference helped them so very much. And that alone helped me so very much. When the kids were happy, running, laughing... I was able to pour all of my focus outside of my head and into them. We had moments of shutting down and crying in our room, but then one of us would remember a great funshop about to start, or a mail tube that hadn't been checked in a few hours, or a new friend they promised to meet in the lobby, and we'd all gather ourselves and run out for some more fun. Knowing that we could walk around the halls and rooms with puffy eyes, tear stained cheeks, and a look of distraction in our eyes without eliciting judgement made us feel so safe. I can't think of a better environment for us during those first few intense days of this uphill climb. 

Obstacles. It's so easy to curse them. To pity yourself because of them. To feel their weight, and their unrelenting pressure. But there is something enchanting about them. About their presence. The vulnerability felt while being faced with them is raw, it's real, it's beautiful. They build a level of self confidence and strength you otherwise wouldn't know existed inside of you. They give you the gift of you. Challenging? Oh hell yes! But exciting, too. Exciting to see where they lead you, what you let them teach you, and who you become because of them.

Our traveling dreams are put on hold. Perhaps permanently; maybe just temporarily. I can't say right now what the future holds for the kids and I. I can say, though, that we will get through this, and become stronger because of it.

"Our roller coaster has the biggest ups and downs 
as long as it keeps going around 
it's unbelievable"


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