October 16, 2012

Grateful for Loss

Posted by meli on Tuesday, October 16, 2012 in , , | No comments

Today is Pregnancy and Early Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 
I lit a candle for the three precious babes I never had the pleasure of meeting. 
I lit a candle honoring these sweet souls, but I wasn't sad that they weren't here. 

We started trying for our second child when our first was a year old. We had three early miscarriages before I was able, again, to carry a baby to term. At the time it was devastating, and frustrating, and I wished it away. I questioned it, and cursed it, and sunk into an abyss of dark confusion.

It makes perfect sense to me now, though. 
Rylan was meant to be in our lives; he just wasn't ready yet. 
And in the meantime ... 
My body was letting me know I was still capable of carrying a baby. 

We went to different doctors requesting testing and options, but we were denied because we already had a child, which proved we both "worked"... coupled with the fact that I was still "able" to get pregnant (my body was just terminating any said pregnancy pretty quickly). They didn't seem concerned about that last part. We were told we would have to be trying for a minimum of 2 years before they'd entertain the idea of taking us on as patients. Gotta love the ego of medical professionals, right? It was frustrating. I couldn't understand how and why I kept losing our babies. I couldn't understand why the doctors wouldn't do anything/offer anything. I cried; every day. Praying for something. Anything.

But Rylan wasn't ready yet.

Had any of our other pregnancies been carried to term; Rylan wouldn't be in our lives.

And the Doctors. The frustrating doctors who seemed callous, as I sat crying on their tables while they said "Sorry Ma'am, but there is nothing we're going to do for you at this time; come back in a year". I hated them! But they did keep us from pursuing other avenues of getting pregnant/bringing a second child into our home during those two years. And as it turned out ... Rylan was conceived ON the 2 year mark; he knew what he was doing! 

So I lit a candle for the three amazing little souls who came into my life in the exact ways they were meant to; carrying out the exact purpose they were meant to. 
They forced me to stand in patience while Rylan got ready. 

I lit a candle for them today, and I smiled. 

And then I squeezed tight the 3 sweet souls that found their way here, and have blessed my life in ways I could never have imagined. 

My life is whole, 
and perfect. 


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