Had a late night picnic park date with my teensy 6yr old sweetie pea, Owen (he likes to call it our "privacy time"). What came of that privacy time are memories that will leave us in stitches for a life time!
We packed up some food from home, and then stopped off at EarthFare (health food store) for some special treats. As most of you know, we're mostly raw vegans. (*mostly* means we're probably about 95+% raw w/the occasional non raw (but always vegan) item thrown in here and there). We picked up a healthy baguette, and a small pack of vegan chocolate chip cookies.
Onward to the park!
The sun was all but set when we got there, and by the time we got everything out of the car it was dark. We layed out our spread and dug in! Midway through our meal Owen had to use the restroom. The park was empty, so after a quick stop at the car for the flashlight (no lights in the bathroom) we headed off to the potty. He finished his business, washed his hands, and we trekked back to our picnic. Thank the universe we were still holding the flashlight (no lights in the park, either ... we were using the glow from the street lights waaaaaay over there to aid us in our picnic eating prior to the potty break) because the scene playing out ON our picnic was one we wouldn't have seen without the extra light...
ROACHES! OMFG!!!
If you know me, you know my nemesis is the roach. I.CAN.NOT.STAND.THEM! Seriously, the little fucks cause such a hyperventilating, nauseating, dizzy, sick, panic that chills my spine kind of feeling in me ... I HATE THEM! I wish them no ill will. Don't want them wiped of the face of the planet or anything (I'm too buddha zen for that); if they would just stay the fuck out of my path, that would be super, thanks!
So, to see them all over our spread... again, OMFG!
The baguette was closest to me, with it's end kind of hanging off the tables edge, and a roach sitting on the end of it. My gut reaction consisted of a simultaneous scream with fierce karate chop. The bread, roach and all, went flying. Another scream escaped as I ducked my head; afraid the airborne roach would fall into my hair!
Lots more screaming as I frantically ran around the table knocking each one (along with whatever food item it was sitting on) to the ground. Owen was standing on the picnic table bench, stunned at the pace in which I was moving, lol. It all happened so fast! As soon as we were pest free, Owen was still hungry, so we went through the food to see what hadn't yet been opened... what was still edible. Not much, but we made do.
In my hyped up panic and super vigilance, I was extremely jumpy (it takes a lot to scare me, but when you do, forget about it ... it's over. my nerves become shot, and I'm an easy target). I was yipping and yelping at anything that moved (ie, the air). I was jumping and whacking my weapon (the flashlight) at anything that made noise (ie, the air). I was cussing at and cursing anything that seemed suspicious (ie, the air). You get the idea ... I was paranoid! I was running flashlight patrols all over our area. Back and forth, back and forth, over and over. I spotted a GIGANTIC spider under the table next to us, and let out a GIGANTIC scream to match ... Until I realized the spider was in the corner of her even bigger web, hunting, and I realized she was on my side ... she was after the roaches!!! Ahhh, allied forces!
Owen finished eating what he could, so we cleaned our stuff and got up to leave. I saw something big, getting bigger, coming at us. The loudest, deepest, most horrifying blood curdling scream came out of me, and Owen let out a little squeak, grabbed my thigh, and jumped behind my leg. His movement around me made me realize that the big growing figure that was approaching us was MY SHADOW!
OMFG! Seriously, nerves shot. Shot all to hell!!!
We decided to get the heck out of the picnic area, and headed down to the playset to eat our cookies. Owen only had 1, me only 2. They were good, no doubt, but something about them didn't sit very well in our bellies. The sugar? The cooked factor? The soy milk? Not sure. We played on the equipment a little bit, but Owens belly was hurting, so we decided to just head home and play a game of candyland. On the way to the car, I felt my stomach churn. Oh No! Here it comes!
I made it to the dark bathroom just in time for my projectile vomit fest to start. Between my shot nerves and that cookie ... I barfed, and barfed, and barfed. I barely ate anything, I don't know WHERE the hell it all came from. Being a recovering bulimic, my gag reflex is sooo sensitive. As soon as I start, my body doesn't let up until every drop of anything is out of me. I was making some god awful sounds, and my throat felt like it was on fire. Owen was SO freaked, it took all I could to tell him, between heaves, that he could grab my phone to call Daddy if it would help him feel more safe. He did! I could hear him saying that Mom's puking sounded like monster noises! lol. It was awful! Holy crap!
As soon as my stomach emptied itself of all it's acid (yum), my body relaxed, and I felt better. Cleaned my face, hugged my sweet boy, and assured Nick that I was ok and we'd be home in 5. As I was buckling Owen into his seat, his poor little face was so tense. I smiled at him, and told him that I really enjoyed our privacy time. He grimaced at me. I told him that we would probably be laughing about this very soon ... karate chopping cockroaches, screaming at shadows, projectile vomiting ... it WAS pretty darn funny! He looked straight into my eyes, face as serious and still as a stone, and said "No, Mom, this ISN'T going to be funny to me, EVER. You were puking A LOT, and I care about you TOO much".
Is he the sweetest thing or what???
By the time we got home (about a mile away, lol) ... he was already cracking up, and I was laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face.
Hands down... the most memorable privacy time to date.
OMFG I am still laughing cuz I know you and cock roaches and acting all tough and cool and then sick as hell and can't do anything about it. This story is so funny to me, but if I'd have been there, it wouldn't be so funny. I am itching and everything right now just thinking of roaches...
ReplyDeleteThat so would have been me too, especially the part about the roaches, SC roaches are huge...and I definitely would have been terrified of one getting in my hair, on my clothes, etc......a nice, lon, lon shower would have been in order after all that, lol. Very memorable, indeed.
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