Pass me the scissors and set me free!

Posted by meli on Sunday, January 01, 2012 in celebration, cleansing, dread-tastic, inspired, marriage, meli-ness, mental heath | 3 comments

freshly shaved head ... marinating in the weightless freedom

I sat on a blanket on the ground; watching the fire dance as the smoke was pulled up the chimney. My face soaking up the heat; my breathing slow and deliberate. Feeling such a deep sense of peace and calm; enjoying the moment so immensely. No thoughts; just wide open enjoyment and appreciationfor life. For my life. Two little words washed over me so strongly ... "I'm ready". 

Right here, tonight, I'm ready. 

I've wanted to shave my head for a few years, but I wasn't yet ready. Fear and Intimidation stood in my way. When I dreaded up, I knew that shedding my dreads would only come when I had enough trust in my inner strength to take that leap.

Earlier this year I made a comment to a blogger friend. Her daughter had just gotten a cute little pixie hair cut, and I replied that I may soon be sporting a similar cut. The comment came so quickly, so naturally, that I didn't really have time to process it before I sent it. It was just matter of fact. As soon as I read it back, my heart pounded. And for a couple of days after that I struggled. I struggled because I was rushing my journey. Putting undo stress and pressure on myself to "just do it already". After a couple of days, I dropped all expectations and stopped focusing on "to shave or not to shave". I stopped thinking about it ... until a couple of months later (this summer). 

I don't know what shifted in me this summer; I can't pinpoint it ... I don't think there IS anything to pinpoint, actually. I felt myself opening up. I felt myself deeply appreciating who I am as a person. And I felt myself starting to trust me. I wasn't going to rush the journey. I still felt a lot of fear and intimidation, and I was't going to rush it. I trusted my ability to work through it. No need to rush. 

An inspirational blogger friend (one I would have been able to meet in person when we toured Lambeau earlier this summer had either one of realized who the other was. Standing literally inches from each other, ha!) Tara, The Organic Sister,  released her dreads in December. Her words, her photos, her radiance ... so completely inspiring. I felt this instantaneous urge to again "just do it". I sat with that feeling for a few moments, and then thought "New Years... that sounds like a great day to take the leap". And 2 seconds later my body was so tense, my knuckles white from my clenched fists, my breathing labored. I wasn't ready. I was afraid. New Years was just a week or two away. No way. I need more time. I can't let go of my dreads. I'm not ready to shave my head. My dreads are part of me. Who will I be without them?

I took a hot, hot, hot bath and mediated. Slowed down. Calmed my brain. I loved my dreads, and I wanted to enjoy them for however long they would remain with me. So, New Years is too soon. That's ok. If I wanted to commemorate the experience with a special date; there will be plenty more opportunities. Spring! My favorite season. I feel so deeply connected to it. It's indescribable. A time of rebirth could provide a wonderful backdrop to my own personal release and rebirth. I loved that idea. And if I wasn't yet ready when spring rolled around, that would be ok, too. Because there would be summer, or the date marking our jump to full time travelers, or my birthday, or NEXT New Years. Or any day in between. I wasn't going to rush this journey before I was ready. I felt at peace. I felt great. And I stopped thinking about it, completely. Trusting that I would know when I was ready. 

We're not a religious family, so christmas doesn't carry any christian meaning to us. We do like to exchange gifts of love and appreciation during this time of year, though. It's a tradition that we've tweaked a little to fit into our beliefs, but one we still want our kids (our family) to experience. We celebrated christmas day with extended family this year; which was great! It's been so nice living near family again. But because of that, we decided to push our intimate family tradition to New Years Eve so we wouldn't feel rushed through it (having to do it before we left for Grammas, or squeezing it in after we came home). And we didn't want to do it the day before or the day after; we like to be able to savor the experience for many days after. So we waited a week. Let the excitement of the holidays with extended family settle into our hearts before we celebrated on our own. And can I just say we LOVED it. I do think we'll exchange our annual gifts on new years eve every year! It felt right to us. So special! 

Anyway, so Nick and I were up all night setting up the basement (an area we never use) because that's where the fireplace is. We carried down a couch and chair, threw blankets and pillows all over. Brought down our little ornament tree, and placed all the gifts under it. Decorated with twinkle lights and paper snowflakes. And hung the stocking on the mantel. It was magical down there. So sweet. Small and cozy. It felt like tiny little cabin isolated in the woods! 

With wrapping paper and gift bags everywhere. A warm fire blazing. Lego pieces covering the floor. Laughter filling the space. I sat in front of the fire soaking it all in. 

And right then I felt it. 

My dreads, my journey, the furthest thing from my mind ... 

Seemingly out of no where it washed over me. 

I was ready. 

No fear. No doubt. No apprehension. 

Just stillness and peace. 

A huge smiled spread across my face.

Because I slowed down and took the pressure off. Because I wasn't rushed. Because I trusted my ability to venture through this journey and know when I was ready. It happened so naturally. So organically. 

Pass me the scissors and set me free!

Part Two coming soon... with lots of photos!