January 18, 2012

the Beach before the Storm

I shaved my head.
I felt I could conquer anything.
I chose TRUST as my word for the year.

We went to the beach. In January. In Wisconsin.
The universe loves the crap out of me! 

The sly bitch (we're still talking about the universe here) was just buttering me up for a giant "you want trust to be your guiding force this year ... okay, I'll throw some shit at you; we'll test this trust thing out for realz, yo". 

In the last week ... 
  • We have a little more then 3 weeks before we have to be out of our house. 
  • Our credit sucks (damn rental foreclosure still plaguing us); so we weren't able to finance that super great freaking deal on a 5th wheel. 
  • My husband has decided to come off of his meds; making his moods and actions fall firmly on the end of unstable and unpredictable while he levels out hormones and learns to cope with his underlying issues med free. And you can go ahead and read that to mean he is driving me completely bat-shit-crazy! And that's on a good day.
  • Our van decided that she'd had enough of this shit; and died. On the interstate. Leaving us without a vehicle. Helloooo ... our food supply is almost gone! Not to mention finding another vehicle is not so easy when we can't get out to, you know, find one.  
  • Winter has finally hit. Making the walk to the store to get more food SUPER unappealing. I think I'd rather sit here and starve. And complain. And starve some more. 
  • Oooh, and the va disability compensation STILL hasn't hit (8 months later), so the little savings we had stashed away has since been spent living. The whole no money thing will probably be a factor in that whole finding a new vehicle thing. Probably. 
  • This one is a couple of weeks old ... but I broke my camera. My big, should just have it permanently attached to my hand, feel naked without it, camera. It's broken. And a couple hundred to fix. Relying on just my iPhone camera these days. Kind of resent my iPhone a little because of this. Kind of think my iPhone resents me a little back. 
So, to recap, I wanted more trust in my life ... thanks! Good to know you got the message. Maybe lay off for a minute so I can breath. Or at least long enough to take a swig of some heavy duty liquor. 

It's not been easy. Breathing through this and leaning into trust. And to be perfectly honest; I kinda totally suck at it! Screaming fits. Crying fits. Fits of total silence (the scariest of all fits!). But I'm working on it. I find I'm cycling through xyz fit faster then before; just seeing the word TRUST pop into my brain is enabling me to find my breath and my calm a lot quicker. And hey, I haven't killed anyone yet. I'll chalk that up to a big giant WIN, thankyouverymuch! 

For now, let's relive some more beach day. Because again ... we were at the freaking beach, in January, in WISCONSIN! And it was SUNNY!!! The universe might be a sly bitch who gets her giggles by fucking with people who ask for it (I did, after all, ask for this. in a perverted sort of logic) ... but she also gave me this beautiful, warm, perfect day! I guess I kinda like her. 

1 comment:

  1. Wow you look beautiful with a shaved head! It is so freeing isn't it? I don't think I will ever go back to shaved, but I contemplate short short again, especially now, that my hair is long (to my nipples if I wear a bra, haha) the longest its ever been. Right now I know I am totally hiding behind my hair, using it to shield myself as I get started in my new space/home/city/life. But it needs to go. And thankfully my hubby loves the short short hair he met me with.