June 13, 2010

Hey, let go

Posted by meli on Sunday, June 13, 2010 in , , | No comments

I lied in bed last night, tossing and turning, not able to sleep.

I don't know why it took so long, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. Took my breath away. Scared me to the point of non stop tears. It wasn't true. That last blog post I wrote; it wasn't true.  "I lost him once ... I can do it again". Lies. All lies. I didn't lose him 7 years ago. Not in my mind, my heart, my soul anyway. I held onto him. Not daring let go. It was just the memories of him that I was holding onto, but I held on damn tight. I had the physical body standing there, and I had the emotional memories inside of me. I didn't let him go. I wouldn't. I couldn't.

Partly because of reasons talked about in that last blog post. I wasn't ever able to fully and completely grieve and move on with him. The little I was able to get out was quickly thrown back at me, so I learned to ignore my feelings. Not deal with them. Put them off. You can't let go of something that you're ignoring; not dealing with.

And also partly because I didn't want it to be true. I didn't want to let go. Letting go meant he was really gone. We were really over. I didn't know how to do that. I DON'T know how to do that.  I don't know how to endure that type of pain. What if I'm not strong enough? What if I can't recover?

When I was finally able to cry myself to sleep last night, I had a dream. I haven't seen the movie in forever, but the scene was one of the last from Titanic. Rose has to make the hard decision to release Jack... she has to let him go in order to save herself. Only in my dream, it was me, struggling with that very same decision. I could see my way out, my rescue, my help ... but I first had to let go of the man I loved more then life itself. A man that wasn't really even there anymore, he was already gone, but I was still holding onto the memory. I didn't do it. I didn't let go. Crippled by sadness, and heartbreak, and fear ... I stayed still, unable to release myself from the past, and in the end that great big ocean swallowed me up. The end. Life over.

Begin (Nicky Mehta)

Hey, maybe the time
just wasn't right to hang on
When are you gonna learn
Things sometimes turn instead of turn out

Hey, when are you gonna stand
Stop looking over your shoulder
Me, with a head full of words
And not one useful expression
Hey, let go

We, with holes in our hearts
Were whole at the start
Our story began
We film ourselves 'til the end
Try to suspend our lives in the dark

Hey, when are you gonna stand
Stop looking over your shoulder
See, there's a sun in the sky
And a moon that will take us til morning
When are you gonna stand
Stop and begin this moment
Hey, let go
Let go


Post a Comment