Visit to the Farm

Posted by meli on Thursday, June 17, 2010 in doctors, family, marriage, military/retirement | 1 comment

Went to visit Nick tonight. He seems to be doing better. He was talkative, so that's progress over the past week. He has a positive attitude and optimistic outlook about the whole thing, so that's also progress (he tends to dwell on the negative). He said his group appts over the past couple of days have been helpful, and he's looking forward to more. He's working on letting go of some past hurts, guilt, and regrets that he's been holding onto for years ... hoping to take steps to forgive and move into the future, instead of being tied to the past. He's hopeful.

Also found out that he'll only be there for 5-7 days (10 at most). Apparently this place is only a temporary inpatient facility with emphasis on an intensive outpatient program they put you on once you're released. He should be out of there soon. Where he'll go once he gets out is another obstacle needing to figured out. He's been staying in the barracks with a roommate. Apparently they are moving some people around, both Nick and his roommate are being moved into separate, individual rooms. Can't imagine that would be the best place for Nick ... all alone in a tiny depressing barracks room. It's what helped push him this close to the edge in the first place, only now he wont have a roommate there with him.

His command still has a limited no contact order in place which prevents him from coming to the house under any circumstances. There isn't anywhere else for him to go. Worries me. We have a spare room, and I am more the willing and wanting him to be here while he heals ... but I don't see his command budging. They've demanded that both Nick and I attend marriage counseling, which will be monitored by the commander. Once they feel ample progress has been made in our relationship ... they'll remove the no contact order.

Who out there knows me? Even just slightly? Do you think I'm the type that is ok being ORDERED by the military to do ANYTHING?

OH HELL NO!!!!!! In the beginning, I tried to put my stubbornness aside. Took some deep breaths, bit my tongue, and tried to be a team player. I knew Nick and I wanted to try marriage counseling again anyway, so what was the big deal. The only thing I requested was that our sessions be with a civilian provider off post. Commander told me that was fine, they'd set it all up and get back to me. A couple of weeks later I was informed that off post was no longer an option, they'd be setting up the appts through a provider at the hospital on post, and our files would be assessed monthly to see how much progress was being made.

Nope ... no longer playing. They can kiss my ass! I didn't sign that damn enlistment contract, they can't order me to do a damn thing, and I'm no longer going to roll over and let them think they can. No way will I let them have that amount of control over MY life. And there is NO WAY I'm ok going through with therapy sessions knowing damn well that everything I say is going to be open book for his command. Yea Fucking Right!!! Nick and I will get therapy ... but we'll do it our way, we'll do it in an environment where we feel our thoughts and feelings are safe and protected, we'll do it for US ... not because some commander fuck head on a power trip thinks he can bulldoze over me with orders and intimidation. FUCK HIM!

Bitter much? YES! I am so goddam sick of the military. SO.SICK.OF.IT.

Nick has been asking for additional help for quite a long time now, but he keeps getting doors slammed in his face. Told they don't have the resources. They don't have the man power. They don't have the time. It's hard for him to ask for help, and being told no time and time again ... it's discouraging. Eventually you just stop trying. And then we all wonder why there are so many soldiers coming home committing suicide, or killing their families ... Ummm, HELLO!!!

SICK.OF.IT!

Wow, so didn't mean for this to turn into a vent. I hit a nerve ... lots of rage inside regarding this subject there I guess, lol.

Back on point ... Nick is doing better. He has a long, long way to go ... and he finally acknowledges that. He knows there are no quick fixes or sure things. It'll be a lot of work, over a long period of time ... a one foot in front of the other, putting in the effort on a minute by minute basis. Lets all send some good thoughts and prayers out there for him.