I miss you Tony, always

Posted by meli on Tuesday, June 14, 2011 in extended family and friends, stories of my youth | 1 comment

post graduation hug

It's been 12 years since we lost him, but I still feel his presence. His memory can send me both into a full belly laugh complete with happy tears streaming down my face, as well as crumbling sadness that has me gasping for air through hysterical sobbing.

He was my Tony. I never called him Dad, but in the short 5ish years that he was in my life, he was every bit a Dad to me; and more. The relationship I had with my Mom at that point in life was pretty tumultuous. He was my saving grace. I could talk to him about anything and everything. He would listen quietly, and only offer his opinion/advice if I asked. He was so positive and optimistic, that you couldn't help but feel so much better just being around his energy. We mostly laughed; he was a hoot! A serious friggin hoot!!!

He wasn't without faults. Demons that crept up into the relationship that he and my mom had. Shortly before the end; my Mom asked for a break, and they got separate apartments.  I was young, and ignorant, and judgmental, and I took my Mom's "side". I was so furious with him for messing up another chance. I was so furious that my Mom was hurt again. I had just had my first baby, and moved out to Virginia a couple of months prior to be with Nick. I wasn't really speaking to Tony at the time. This man who felt so much like my rock through my hard "angsty teenage years", and I wasn't even talking to him.

He killed himself. One shot to the heart. Gone.

And the sadness and regret that I feel for essentially turning my back on him when he so desperately needed someone, for not making sure he knew just how much I loved him, and how very important he had been to my life, is so completely crushing some days. Most days I'm ok. I've moved through the grief and the blame, and I found acceptance and forgiveness in myself ... most days; but not all.

I'm pms'ing. Nick and I are fighting. I threw my back out the other day which has really made it difficult to pack, load, and clean to get out of here. I've already been crying for the better part of two days. It's just a perfect recipe for today to be one of my lesser forgiving-of-myself days.

I miss you, Tony! Your great big bear hug would feel so comforting right now. And the stupid joke you'd make afterward would make all my tears disappear.

The kids and I just talked about some of your most funny antics in an effort to turn this day around. My kids love you without ever even knowing you. Sharing memories of your life, your personality, your wit ... the tears have already stopped; replaced by a smile. And maybe, just for kicks, I'll throw on some of Nicks old army pants and combat boots, I'll stuff the pockets full of cleaners, brushes, and sponges, and I'll go tackle the bathroom "Tony Style".
I'm goin' in ...